


Tangled Web

by ArabellaFaith



Category: Okane ga Nai
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 21:40:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 63,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13773129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArabellaFaith/pseuds/ArabellaFaith
Summary: An original work based loosely around the opening plot of the manga 'No Money,' with Beauty and the Beast elements as well. Warnings for non-con, dun-con, mild violence, past child abuse, and ambiguous morality.*Jaerim Black has it all... except the innocent man who gave him the strength to go on four years ago.  When he attends an underground auction and sees the man he's been thinking about for so long up for bid, he buys him thinking they can finally have a relationship. But Cain doesn't remember Jaerim, and cant believe that it was his own cousin who sent him to be auctioned off. Unbalanced and desperate, Jaerim makes Cain his prisoner, willing to do whatever it takes to keep Cain by his side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, hi there! Thanks for taking a chance on reading this original work! I hadn't planned to post this when I first wrote it, but ended up putting it up on FFN a year ago. I'm slowly moving all the stories I have up on FFN to AO3, and this is the first of the bunch. Mind the warnings in the summary, please, and enjoy this new/old work :D

Jaerim was giving up.  He'd tried.  He'd done everything that had ever been asked of him, and still, it wasn't enough.  When the deal had gone bad, his father's men had left him to bleed out in the alley, and he saw no reason to try to get up.  He was as worthless as they'd always told him.  What was the use in trying to fight the inevitable?  They all knew what he was, they knew what had been done to him.  Even if by some miracle he outlived his father, none of the men in the organization would ever respect him enough to follow him.  No, it was better to close his eyes and wait for the wounds or the hypothermia to get him.  He wondered which would kill him first.

 

“Um, hello-o there!  Are you al-”  _ hic  _ “-right?”

 

Jaerim's head snapped up and he blinked to clear the haze from his vision.  It was too dark to see clearly, but there was a figure standing over him.  He tensed, expecting pain of one kind or another.

 

“Sir?”  The voice was nearer this time.  The figure had knelt down and placed one warm hand on his forehead.  “I ttthink maybe you neeeed a doctor.”  

 

“Leave me alone,” Jaerim whispered hoarsely.  Still, he couldn't help but turn his face closer to the warm touch of this stranger's hand on his face.  Was he really so weak that he couldn't resist his baser urges?  He was disgusted with himself but too tired to care.

 

“Here, let me help you sit up.”  The hand on his face was gone, and suddenly there were arms wrapped around his torso.  He was heaved, slowly and gently, upright until his back was against the wall.  Suddenly, unusual aqua blue eyes swam into his vision.  “There, that's better.  We need to get you waaaarm first!”  The stranger unwrapped his scarf from around his neck and slipped it around Jaerim's own.  It was still warm.  He shuddered.  “Can you s-stand?”

 

“I'm fine,” Jaerim managed to say.  He wanted to be angry.  He'd just made up his mind to finally let go of it all, and here this man – shit, he wasn't much more than a boy! - was stopping him.  Instead, he felt a curious tugging inside his chest.  “If you're here to pick my pocket, you could've done that while I was lying down.”

 

Laughter rang out softly in the cold night air.  Not forced laughter, or nervous laughter, but genuine amusement.  “Why would I do that?”

 

“No one does something nice for free.”

 

“Weeeell then, I'm No-one.  Nice to meet you.”  He smiled, flashing a small dimple on his right cheek.  “Let's get you on your feet next.  I'm not sure I'll be much help considering how much bigger you are than meee, but I'll do what I can!”  And he slipped his shoulder under Jaerim's arm.  They staggered, nearly fell, but then made it upright.  Jaerim's injuries screamed in protest, but suddenly he didn't give a damn about them.  His head was filled utterly with the scent of the man beside him, the feel of his body heat seeping into Jaerim's own chilled form. 

 

“What do you want from me,” he asked, turning so that he had the other man trapped between him and the wall.  The stranger looked up at him with those piercing eyes and gave him another smile.

 

“Just wanted to help.”  He shrugged.  “Everyone needs a liiiittle help once in a while.”

 

“Do you have any idea who I am?”

 

Blonde brows drew together.  “No... are you a movie star?!  I haven't seen many movies yet, but Tien says that some of the actors live here.  I'm so happy to meeeet you!”

 

By the look of him, Jaerim assumed the boy had to be at least eighteen or nineteen, but he spoke like someone much younger.  He seemed somehow totally innocent.  Something within Jaerim purred to life.  This stranger had no idea who he was.  Had no ulterior motive for helping him.  Had done so simply because he wanted to.  Were there really such untainted things left in the world?

 

Ten minutes ago, Jaerim wouldn't have believed it.  Now, though, he knew it to be true.  And he craved it.  It drew him like a shark to fresh blood.  He put on hand on the wall by the blonde's head and used the other to tip his face up.  There was a soft gasp, then their lips met roughly.  Jaerim pressed forward until he could feel every line and ridge of the body against his.  He slanted his head to deepen the kiss, tasting mint and citrus and... alcohol?  He lifted his head and glared down.

 

“Are you drunk?”

 

“Oh... that was looovely...”  The stranger lifted his hands to his lips and pressed them there softly.

 

“Are you drunk,” Jaerim repeated, more harshly this time.  The giggle echoed around the alley seemed almost feminine.

 

“I'm not sure, really.  I've never had alcohol before tonight, and Tien said I was a light-weight if I couldn't drink at least oooone, so I finally gave in!  But then they left and I can't find them.  Do you know where Ivy street is?”

 

Definitely drunk, Jaerim realized.  That explained his weird speaking.  And he'd only had one drink?  Whoever Tien was, he was right, the kid was a total light-weight.  Especially since, judging from the taste, it was something fruity that contained little liquor.  The giggle came again.  Jaerim looked at the lips he'd just kissed.  The kid was drunk, and had to weigh at least two stone less than he did.  It would be so easy to just...  He leaned close again, slipping one hand between their bodies.  His cold fingers found the buckle of the kid's belt.  No one would have to know.  The kid could hardly fight him off, even if he decided to try, but Jaerim doubted he would based on the way he'd reacted to the kiss.  He could just give into the urges that were constantly wracking him, could take what he wanted...

 

“Ooh!”  The kid jumped, and Jaerim realized his freezing fingers had brushed against skin.  “Do you need a belt?”   Warm fingers were over his for a moment, then there was a soft click and slide of a buckle being undone.  “It might be a bit tight on you, but you can have this one.”

 

Jaerim just blinked down at him.  He'd heard the expression “give you the shirt off their back,” but he'd always assumed it was some parable bull shit.  No one actually gave up something they needed to someone else.  That wasn't how the real world worked.  And yet, this fucking kid had read Jaerim's actions all wrong and was offering him his own things without a second thought.

 

There was a stir between them, and Jaerim realized his fingers were shaking.  He was a son-of-a-bitch, but suddenly the lecherous thoughts that had overtaken him vanished.  Not even a bastard like him could push it any further.  He put his hands down to stop the kid from taking off his belt.

 

“No, I don't need it.  You should get home.  I can show you were Ivy street is.”

 

“Can you really?”  Those wide blue eyes looked up at him as if he was some kind of deity.  He swallowed uncomfortably.

 

“Yeah, come on.”

 

“Oh, but you're hurt!”  The kid stopped him and pointed to the blood stain on Jaerim's jacket.

 

“I'm fine,” he lied.  “Just a scratch.”

 

“Are you suuure?  It looks like a big scratch.”  

 

Jaerim barely had time to catch the kid's hands as they tried to reach under the fabric and check the wound.  “It's fine,” he repeated, gripping the wrist in his grasp perhaps harder than he should have.  “Really.”

 

“O-okay.”

 

“Ivy street is down that way.  Two blocks.”  Jaerim pointed towards the intersection west of them.  “Can you find your way from there?”

 

The kid thought for a moment, then smiled.  “Yep!  What about you?  Do you know how to get home?”

 

“Sure,” he replied gruffly, wondering if he'd ever applied the term to any place he'd lived.  There had been many houses, but a home?  Home implied warmth, security, family.  Things Jaerim had never become familiar with.  “I'll be fine.  You should go.”

 

“I'm sure Tien is worried about me.”  He started to turn and walk away, then stopped.  “You're a good person.  I'm sure you'll get everything you want from life.  Hard work pays off!”  Then he grinned somewhat drunkenly and headed in the direction Jaerim had pointed.

 

Jaerim stared after him, dumbfounded.  A good person?  The idea was laughable.  And getting everything he wanted from life was about as likely as the sun and the moon colliding.  The heat that had blossomed in his chest began to fade away, as if the man walking away from him was taking it with him.  Not ready for it to be gone entirely, Jaerim followed him at a safe distance.  He'd learned at a young age how to be discreet when tailing someone.  One drunk, naive kid wasn't going to notice him.

 

Two blocks down, then ten more blocks over.  A gate creaked open and the kid went through.  There was a slam of a door, then muffled yelling.  Someone who had been worried about the kid?  Who was relieved that he'd returned home safely?  In all his twenty one years of life, no one had greeted Jaerim that way.  There had been plenty of yelling, all right, but never with worry, never with relief.  He turned, disgusted with himself for having followed at all.

 

His body was screaming at him, but he was a tough bastard.  It would take more than these injuries and a little cold to take him out.  Now that he'd gotten up, he wasn't going down again any time soon.  He would put the kid from his mind and-

 

He stopped, startled to feel the soft ends of the stranger's scarf brush the back of his hand.  For a brief moment, he considered ripping it off and tossing it in the gutter.  It was meaningless.  Just a random piece of wool from a drunk.  Instead, he wrapped the ends around his neck a second time and continued on his way home, determined that he would never be brought so low again.

  
  


**Cain**

 

I started to think that the car behind me was following me.  It had been there two blocks ago, and I thought I'd seen it when I walked out of the convenience store half a mile back.  I picked up my pace and turned a corner at random, hoping that would throw it off.

 

But why would someone be following me?

 

It wasn't as though I had anything that would be worth stealing.  And no one I knew drove a car like that, so it wasn't someone checking up on me.  Tien had gone out of town two days before and wasn't expected back till the day after next.  He had a few other relatives that lived in the city, but I'd seen all their vehicles and a black sedan wasn't one of them.

 

The bright sunlight illuminated the well populated street I was walking on, and I chided myself for my paranoia.  Why would someone even want to follow me?  In a city this size, I blended in and got lost.  Which was probably for the best.  Despite having moved here four years previously, I'd never really adjusted.  I was too quiet, too timid, too trusting.  Naive, Tien would call it.  Perhaps that was true, but what did he expect?  I'd lived in a secluded commune for the decade after my parent's deaths.  Before going out on my own at eighteen, I'd never seen a television, a cell phone, a fast food restaurant... hell, even cars were a rare sight.  I still didn't know how to drive one.  Not that you really needed the skill in the city.

 

I was actively working to learn all I could about the world around me, and it never felt like enough.  The city was still foreign to me, and I allowed myself to blend into the background where no one really noticed me.

 

The store was just up ahead and I pulled Tien's list from my pocket.  He'd asked me to pick up a few things while he was gone, and the store that sold them was apparently only open at certain times of the week.  I didn't recognize anything on the list, but he had assured me before he left that all I needed to do was give the list to the clerk and they would take care of the rest.

 

I tried not to be irritated at having to miss a class.  After all, it wasn't Tien's fault the shop was only open during one of my courses.  And one absence wouldn't hurt me.  I'd been slowly working my way towards a degree.  The job Tien had gotten me at the restaurant took up a lot of my time, but I wasn't willing to inconvenience him, so I'd arranged my classes around my work hours.  I owed him that much, and more by far.

 

When I'd first left the commune, I'd thought I had no living relatives left.  It wasn't until a solicitor for my parent's estate mentioned a cousin that I realized I wasn't wholly alone in the world.  I'd been overjoyed.  While the people who had raised me had been perfectly capable, they'd been rather... distant.  I wasn't actually a member of the commune, I was an outsider.  And I felt that every day.  But a cousin!  That was a blood connection.  Something concrete and unchangeable.  

 

Tien hadn't believed it at first, either, but I'd explained my situation to him over the phone, and he'd offered to take me in.  His relations had several businesses in the city, and he owned a condo.  I could work for them and stay with him.  He had gone through the dizzying amount of paperwork that had been left behind in the estate, and had helped handle my finances while I settled in.

 

One little trip to the store was practically nothing, such a small favor compared to all that he'd done for me.  I felt ashamed of myself for being upset at all.  My class would wait.  It wasn't the end of the world if I missed-

 

The black sedan stopped beside me, right in front of the store.  The door flew open, and two men got out from the back.  I stood there, startled, not sure what was going on.  Each of them took one of my arms and pushed me towards the car.  Suddenly, my shock-frozen brain kicked back to life.  I struggled against them.  I was shorter than they were, but not nearly so frail as I'd been when I first arrived in the city.  One of them grunted as a kicked his shin.  I wrenched my arm free from the other and tried to turn.  A fist connected with my stomach and I doubled over in pain.  My breath had left in a rush.  I gagged, panic surging through me as I fought for air.

 

In my distress, it was easy to maneuver me into the car.  I tried to lash out again, and my arm was pinned roughly behind my back.  Suddenly, I had my breath again and I cried out as fresh pain assailed me.  

 

“Don't break his arm, idiot!  He's supposed to arrive in one piece!”

 

“Fuck!”

 

The pressure on my arm lessened, and as I tried to wrench it forward to defend myself, a square of cloth was pressed over my face.  I gasped, catching the overwhelming scent of alcohol and ether.  Spots swam in front of my eyes.  Still, I tried to struggle, but my limbs began to feel heavy.  Every movement was sluggish, as if I was under water.  The voices around me faded, and then I was falling into blackness.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I pulled a long drag off my cigarette and stabbed it out in the ash tray.  I only smoked when I was impatient, and impatient perfectly described how I was feeling.  That idiot had guaranteed I'd get my money, and if he didn't follow through this time, he wasn't leaving in one piece.  I'd warned him of the consequences of crossing me.  Despite the fact that he was just some lowlife peon, he seemed to think he was tough shit.  Normally, scum like him didn't even merit my time, but I wanted to make an example of him if he tried to skip out on his debt.  I hadn't gotten to my position by letting people take my money.

 

The last man who'd tried it, three years ago right after my father's death, had never worked in the city again.  But that had been long enough ago that the lesson needed refreshing.  Despite the fact that I'd slowly but surely turned all of the businesses this side of the law – some of them just barely – I still couldn't let anyone see me as weak.  It had taken years of blood and sweat to be the most feared and respected man in the city.  I'd become renowned for my brutality, my mercilessness, my cruelty.  Some even dared to say my madness.

 

Maybe they were right.

 

And if I didn't walk out of the hotel with a cool million in tow, I would show Tien exactly how I'd earned that reputation.  I ordered another drink and had just taken a sip of chilled whiskey when the idiot himself dashed up to me.

 

He started blathering on, and I didn't listen to much of it.  Instead, I held out my hand.  He looked down at it, then flinched.  But instead of the stammered excuses I'd been certain would come next, he handed me a thick envelope.  Surprised, I looked inside.  A cashier's check, validated by the hotel, for a full million.  There were documents certifying that the check was good for the whole amount, as well.

 

Perhaps Tien would keep both his ears, after all.  I ignored his relentless chatter and walked away.  While I was happy to have the money – not that I needed a measly million, but it was good to know that business was running as it should – I still couldn't quite be satisfied.  I'd worked myself up for a fight, and now that was all frustrated tension.  I was wound too tight, temper barely in check.

 

“Mister Black,” the hotel concierge greeted me as he saw me exit the bar.  He smiled politely and I fought the urge to wipe that smug little smirk off his face.  “I had no idea you'd be joining us this evening.  I don't think we have a number for you, but if you'll give me just a moment, I'll procure you one.”

 

“A number?”  I sneered at him, hating that I had no idea what he was talking about.

 

“Yes, we've found it preserves anonymity better if our customers are assigned numbers instead of using names at this kind of auction.”

 

“Of course,” I agreed, interest piqued.  I had no idea what kind of illegal auction was taking place, but it seemed like a good way to work off some of the steam billowing inside of me.  Maybe I'd find some trinket to amuse me, or a piece of equipment one of the businesses needed.  They were all on the level now, but I wasn't above using stolen merchandise in them.  Besides, a little rat had just provided me with some pocket money for the occasion. 

 

The concierge handed me a small sign with a number on it, and ushered me to the basement.  I joined the throng of other people filing to seats.  Some wore masks to hide their faces, some kept their heads down and stayed in the shadows.  Others didn't try to protect their identities at all, and I recognized almost every single one of them.  They were underworld bosses, not just the scum that played in petty crime, but the ones that brushed shoulders with politicians.  Interesting.

 

The items for auction varied wildly.  There was stolen art, blackmail photos, jewelry, property, shares in businesses that would soon be dismantled, even a few drug shipment contracts.  Interesting, indeed, but nothing that tempted me.  It seemed the night would be a waste of my time, after all.  Frustration rose once more and boiled under my skin.

 

“Our last item for bid, ladies and gentlemen, is a beautiful twenty-one year old male.  He's blonde, with unique blue eyes and is in excellent health.”  I tipped my head to the side and considered the figure that had been ushered onto the stage.  Human trafficking wasn't unusual in the city, but I'd never heard of it happening at an auction like this.  I wondered if the man was somehow special.  “He has just become available, and we have been assured he is wholly unspoiled, but of course we leave the deciding of that up to our buyer!  Discreet transportation is included in his purchase, and he will be sedated enough to ensure compliance until other arrangements can be made. Bid with confidence, ladies and gentlemen!  Shall we start the bidding at ten thousand?”

 

Immediately, a number from the first row flashed.  I raised a brow and turned to get a better look at the naked man on the auction block.  Ten thousand for a single body?  Yes, the auctioneer had claimed he was 'unspoiled', but that kind of thing was only prized in females with hymens intact, which was increasingly rare.  Males were normally only sold individually like this at a much younger age.  An adult would be harder to handle, especially a male one.  Though to be fair, the one on the stage didn't seem like he could put up much of a fight.

 

Normally, I shied away from any kind of flesh peddling.  Not that it was below my moral code – if it could even be said that I had one – but it just didn't interest me in any way.  It had taken far too much work to legitimize my businesses to jeopardize them with even a small dabble in the slave trade.  Not to mention, the return rarely equaled the investment.  There were too many factors involved that couldn't be controlled.

 

Still, he was a pretty little thing.  Perhaps I would keep an eye out for whoever bought him and ask if I could-

 

His head had lolled back, and for a moment, I'd caught a flash of piercing aqua blue.  My heart felt as if it had skipped a beat, then began to pound wildly.  I sat forward and strained to see better.  The lighting over the audience was dim, but the stage was well lit.  The man's blonde hair glinted, spilling across his forehead and hanging in his eyes as his head fell forward again.   _ Look up! _ I urged him silently.  As if he could have complied even if he'd heard me.  It was obvious that there was a massive amount of drugs in his system to keep him demure during the sale.  A thick black collar had been placed around his neck, and his arms were bound behind his back at wrist and elbow.  Even from this distance, he seemed... similar.  It was possible.  It  _ could _ be.

 

His head lolled back again and I saw them clearly this time.  Eyes I would never forget.  If he smiled, I knew there would be a slight dimple in his right cheek.  A thousand questions whirled in my mind, but I fought to close them all off so I could hear the auctioneer.

 

“One point five, do I hear one point six?  Yes, number forty two, one point six.  Is there a one point seven?”  There was a pause, and a low murmur from the crowd.  When had the amount gotten so high?  I was shocked, and nearly missed my chance.  “-once, going twice, s-”

 

“Two million!”  I lifted my sign and called my bid firmly.  A few heads turned my direction, and another murmur went through the crowd.  No more bids were called though.  The auctioneer waited, baiting the audience to see if anyone else would dare raise from two million, but no one did.  Whether because of the amount or because no one wanted to bid against me, I didn't know.

 

“Sold!”  He pounded a gavel and that was that.  “This ends tonight's auction, ladies and gentlemen, but don't forget to stop at the desk to collect-”  I tuned out the rest of what he said and went to pay for my purchase.  I felt numb as I passed through the doors to the back room and was led to where the man knelt, still naked and shivering.

 

“Ah, Mister Black, I was surprised to see that you were the one who bought this one.  I don't think we've ever seen you partake in these kinds of wares before.”

 

“You haven't,” I said flatly, fighting the urge to whisk us out of the hotel.  That would raise too many questions.  Instead, I waited while my driver pulled around to the underground dock.

 

“He  _ is _ a pretty piece.  I guess everyone needs their little amusements now and then.”

 

“Indeed.”  I clenched my jaw.  If any of the rumors had been doubted, this would surely have been the final proof.  I knew that no one would dare mock me for it the way they had in my youth, and it wasn't even as uncommon now for two men to be together, but the knowledge that I was being seen that way still grated on me.  I felt old resentments build.  My already short temper flared and the tight grip I had on my control was slipping.

 

“His name is Cain, if that will be of any importance.”  There was a knowing smirk that went with the words, and I wanted to slam my fist through his fucking teeth.  

 

“It is,” I hissed.  The blanch that my malice procured hardly satisfied me.  A dark cloak was dropped over Cain's shoulders, and he was lifted to his feet.  The leash that was attached to the collar around his neck was handed to me.

 

“T-the drugs in his system should last several hours.”  

 

I didn't bother to reply to the now timidly volunteered information.  Instead, I supported Cain with my hand on his elbow and led him out to the car.  My driver held the back door for me, and if he was shocked to see me leading a mostly naked man along with me, he said nothing.  Cain's head lolled against my shoulder.  He muttered something incoherent.  When he shifted, the cloak slid to the side to reveal a long expanse of pale thigh.  I glanced up towards the rear view mirror, and though the driver's eyes were firmly forward, I still pulled the cloak closed again.

 

The drive back to my high rise seemed to stretch on endlessly.  My hands twitched with the need to touch, and questions spun uselessly through my mind without answers.  There were a few things I did know for certain.  The first, was that this man was the same one who'd saved my life four years before.  The man whose drunken act of kindness had driven me to become a person that this city would open any door for.  The man who I'd thought of obsessively as I claimed my father's organization and made it my own.  The man I thought of when I fucked others.  The second, was that Tien had somehow sold Cain into that auction to pay off his debt to me.  There had to be some kind of sick irony there, but I didn't bother trying to sort it out.

 

Not a single moment of the conversation I'd had with Cain four years ago had faded, and it took little effort to connect Tien as the cousin he'd spoken of.  The one who'd gotten him drunk and then left him alone in an unfamiliar city.  My fists clenched.  That was such a small slight compared to selling him into slavery to pay off his own debts, though.  I wished I'd cut off his ears when I'd had the chance.  His dick, too.  What kind of man sold his own family off like this to repay debts?  This wasn't the Feudal era where indentured labor was the norm.  If not me, then anyone could have bought Cain.  Someone who wanted to use him for experiments.  A sexual sadist looking to fill in his harem.  A snuff film maker.  Anything could have happened to him.

 

Rage again bubbled up inside me, hot and volatile.  When we finally reached the building, I wrenched open the door and pulled Cain into my arms.  The driver dialed his code into my private elevator, and it opened immediately.  I stepped inside, and the driver left to park the car.  As we rose higher and higher, I took the opportunity to study Cain's face.  There were little fine lines around his eyes that I hadn't remembered from that night, or maybe just from my obsessive version of it.  His eyes had fluttered                                                                                closed, but I knew when he opened them again, they would be that same unusual blue.  The blue that had haunted my dreams for years.

 

When the elevator reached the penthouse, I strode back to the bedroom immediately and stretched Cain out on my bed.  I took the cloak off of him and unbuckled the restraints at his arms.  For one brief, perverse moment, I considered leaving the collar on.  But then I shook my head and removed it as well.  He was then naked on my bed.  Not good.  Fantasies I'd had for far too long danced before my eyes.  My self control was never great, but with temptation so blatantly in front of me, it seemed especially weak.  With a little extra effort, I pulled the blanket out from under him and covered him up to his neck.   _ Better. _

 

I pulled up a chair and sat down to wait.  He would open his eyes any moment.  He would recognize me, and be confused, but not frightened, because he would trust me.  I would tell him that I'd saved him, and he would be overcome with gratitude.  He would confess that he'd thought about me as much as I'd thought about him.  That he'd been ruined for other men by that one kiss I'd given him.  And for once in my life, I would have someone who wanted me for me.  Someone pure and wholesome and untainted by the stain of my father.  He would cling to me and welcome my touch.  He would never want to leave my side.

 

The minutes ticked on, and still, he did not stir.  Impatience flashed through me.  Why didn't he wake up?  There was no way they'd overdosed him at the hotel.  He was far too precious a commodity for them to have made any kind of mistakes.  So why wasn't he opening his eyes?  Was he purposely waking me wait?  Did he know the effect he was having on me and thought he could taunt me?

 

Resentment began to mount, and I pushed it back.  No, he was just more sensitive to such things.  He'd gotten drunk off of one cocktail.  Surely drugs would affect him similarly.  I only needed to wait, and things would go exactly as I wanted them to, for once in my life.

  
  


**Cain**

 

I opened my eyes and then snapped them shut again as the light hit me like a hammer.  I flinched, and as I moved, I realized I was naked.  That was unusual.  I hardly ever-

 

Memory flared to life.  The sedan.  The pain.  Tien!

 

I sat bolt upright and fought off a wave of dizziness.  “Woah, there,” came a voice from beside me.  “Lay back down.  You still need to get the rest of the drugs out of your system before you try to get up.”

 

“D-drugs?”  I looked over and saw a man sitting in a chair by the unfamiliar bed I was in.

 

“They gave you some when you were on the auction block, and more just after.  It'll be another hour or so at least before you feel back to normal.”

 

“Auction block...”  I tried to sort through my memories of the place I'd been taken, but they were hazy and distorted.  

 

“You were sold off at a slave auction.  I saved you.”

 

My eyes flew to the man at my side again, and I gasped.  Slave auction?  Did such things really exist?  But they must, because the kidnapping was no figment of my imagination.  I shuddered.  “Thank you,” I whispered.  My head swam again, and I closed my eyes to try and set the world on balance again.  “I'm forever in your debt.  I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if-”  I stopped as my foggy mind reminded me that I hadn't been the only one who'd needed saving.  “I need t-to go back!”

 

“What?”  The man stood and scowled down at me, his displeasure clear.

 

“My cousin was there- I know I saw him.  If they got me, they probably got him too.  I need to help him!”

 

“Your cousin was there to ensure that you would be acceptable merchandise,” he sneered.  “If he needs any saving it's only because he got himself into even more debt.”

 

“What?  What do you mean?”

 

“He sold you to that auction to pay off his debts to me.  But I'm sure I wasn't the only one he owed money to.”

 

“Th-that can't be true.  Tien wouldn't... he would never...”

 

“Of course he did.  He's a lowlife thug who launders money for the mob, and isn't very good at gambling even though he does far too much of it.  Obviously you were just a paycheck to him.”

 

“No!  He's the only family I have.  We care about each other.  That's what family does.”

 

“He doesn't give a fuck about you.  I doubt he ever did.  And any loyalty you felt to him you'd be better off giving to me instead.”  He snapped the words at me, growing more and more angry.  I didn't care.

 

“That's not true!  He's my  _ family! _  I don't even know you!”  I fought a wave of nausea that rolled through me as I struggled to get my heavy limbs to cooperate.  How could this stranger be saying such terrible things?  He didn't know me, didn't know Tien.  There had to be some mistake.

 

“Don't even know me?”  There was such a raw pain in his words that I looked up.  He seemed... lost.  I couldn't understand why he was so upset.  Was I supposed to have recognized him from somewhere?  But there was no way I would have forgotten a man like him.  He was tall and imposingly built, with eyes so dark they were nearly black and an impossibly sharp jaw.  

 

He planted his hands on either side of my head and leaned in close, so close I could feel his breath on my face.  I stared up at him, wide eyes surely betraying my uncertainty and budding fear.  As I looked, the muscle in his jaw ticced.  “Don't you know who I am?”  He growled the words so low I nearly flinched.

 

“N-no.  Should I?”  Tien had told me about most of the important men in the city, but there were very few I recognized on sight.  He inhaled sharply and narrowed his eyes, something crossing his features that I didn't understand.  “Who are you?”

 

“My name is Jaerim Black.”  He pushed away from me and I finally felt as if I could breathe again.  But that name...  I'd heard that name before.  He was incredibly powerful, and also incredibly dangerous if even half the rumors about him were true.  It was no wonder he'd expected me to recognize him.  Still, I couldn't let myself be distracted.  I knew that the most important thing was getting to Tien and making sure he was safe.  Then, I could ask him about the accusations that had been laid at his feet.  There had to be some other explanation.

 

“I can't thank you enough for saving me, Mr Black, but I have to go try and help my cousin.  I don't have a choice.”

 

I tried to stand up, but as soon as I put my weight on the floor, I pitched forward.  The room spun sickeningly and I realized that there was no strength in my legs.  The drugs were obviously still coursing through my system.  I cried out, but strong arms caught me before I hit the floor.

 

“Be careful!  You can't even fucking stand.”  He tossed me back onto the bed and I bounced once before collapsing back.  He was furious, but I couldn't understand why.  “What you don't have a  _ choice _ about, Cain, is staying here.  Maybe you don't understand the position you're in.  I  _ bought _ you. Unless you have two million to pay me back, then you're mine to do with as I please.  And what I want isn't for you to run off after a worthless piece of trash who will get you killed or worse.  You're going to stay in this fucking bed, and while you're here...”  He raked his gaze over me, and I felt my nudity more acutely than ever.  “You can start showing your gratitude.”

 

Jaerim loosened his tie and then stripped it off.  His jacket followed.  His eyes never left mine as he slipped his cuff links off and began unbuttoning his shirt.  I felt panic begin to build in my stomach and claw up my throat.

 

“W-what do you mean?  What are you doing?”  I wanted to get off the bed, or at least draw the blanket up over myself, but my limbs wouldn't work.  Jaerim slowly unbuckled his belt and then unfastened his trousers.  In one graceful move, he stepped out of them.  With not an ounce of shame or modesty, his pants followed.  I stared, helpless to do otherwise.  He was erect, the threatening appendage a little larger than my own and curved.  I swallowed thickly and felt myself begin to shake.

 

He leaned down and took something from the bedside table, tossing it on the bed beside me.  Before I could see what it was, he knelt over me.  “What are you doing?” I asked again, more desperately.

 

“I'm going to fuck you,” he whispered huskily.  I felt his skin press against my own and jerked back, but there was no place for me to go.  I couldn't believe what he was saying.  Only minutes ago, he'd been the savior I owed my life to.  Now, he was attacking me.  I couldn't even fight back.  My arms were still heavy and uncoordinated, my body virtually useless.  He slid down until his chest was between my legs and I felt his breath against my hip.  

 

What was he-

 

I hissed, back arching of its own accord as his mouth latched onto the head of my flaccid cock.  No one had ever done such a thing to me, and despite how horrified I was at the situation, I felt myself growing hard.  How was that possible?  How could I be so against what was being done to me and yet respond to it like that?  “Please stop,” I gasped.  He ignored me.  Jaerim worked more of my burgeoning erection between his lips, sucking mercilessly.  I opened my mouth to beg him to stop again, but he released me before I could get the words out.

 

My relief was short lived.  Instead of getting off the bed, Jaerim flipped me onto my stomach as if I weighed nothing at all.  In one quick movement he pushed my knees up under me.  I gasped, suddenly more terrified than before.  I felt exposed and powerless.  When I tried to twist to the side, he gripped one of my wrists and bent it up behind my back painfully.  I cried out, and felt him pause behind me.  “Please stop,” I gasped.  He seemed conflicted, and as I looked over my shoulder at him, I could see him waver.  “Please let me go.”  His eyes hardened again, the fury rising in them once more.  

 

His grip grew bruising.  “Never,” he hissed.  There was a small  _ click, _ then cold slickness against my exposed, sensitive skin.   My hips bucked, trying to get away, but it was useless.  Pressure came up against me.   _ His fingers _ , I realized.  With less effort than I would have expected, they slid inside of me.  My whole body clenched and went cold.  I thought I would be sick with the intensity of the sensation.  No matter what I did, there was no escaping it.  “The drugs are still relaxing you.”  There was more prodding, then the thickness inside me increased fractionally.  I moaned in fear and distress.  “Maybe you'll even like this.”

 

“I won't,” I bit out.  His fingers were suddenly gone, but then there was an even larger pressure against me.  “Don't!  Please, I haven't-  I don't want-”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” he snarled.  The pressure increased until it became painful, and I sought desperately to escape it.  His grip on me grew tighter, and he leaned his weight onto me.  I felt a hard, deep pinch, and then burning, searing pain.  My throat felt raw so I must have screamed, but I had no recollection of doing so.   I felt stretched beyond my limits.  The pain was intense, and the sense of violation more so.  

 

When he realized that I couldn't fight him, Jaerim released his hold on my hip and reached between my legs to grip my cock.  If he'd been expecting it to be hard still, he was disappointed.  There was nothing erotic about what he was doing, and my body had no interest in reacting to it pleasantly.  He tugged several times, trying to entice a response, but I stayed totally soft.  With a snarl, he released me and pushed up, his grip on my wrist tightening until I thought my shoulder would pop out of its socket.

 

He shifted back, then drove into me again.  My breath left in a rush and I couldn't seem to draw in any more air.  The pain was stealing my thoughts, turning my mind as sluggish as my limbs.  As he began to move more quickly, the burning eased a little, but never went away.  I could hear his harsh exhalations, the slight creak of the bed, my own helpless cries of suffering.  More than anything, I just wanted it to end.  I felt horribly abused and incredibly weak.  Jaerim released my arm and it flopped to the bed uselessly, aching fiercely.  Both hands now free, he gripped me by my ribs with bruising strength.  He pulled me back onto him at the same time that he thrust forward.  His skin slapped against mine, his sweat began to drip down onto my back.

 

I wished the drugs would let me fall unconscious.  Or that the bed would swallow me up.  Instead, Jaerim quickened his pace until he drove into me one last time and stilled.  He was panting, twitching inside of me as the last of his orgasm faded away.  After he pulled out, I collapsed to the bed.  With agonizing effort, I curled in on myself.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I looked down at Cain, curled into the fetal position on his side.  He was shaking violently and there were dark bruises blossoming across his skin like a hideous constellation.  A streak of blood smeared the inside of his thigh.  Nausea welled up in me so violently that I barely had time to make it to the bathroom before I vomited.  My stomach cramped and heaved, voiding itself and making me gasp for air between spasms.  The vision of Cain as I'd left him swam before my eyes, somehow sickeningly superimposed over the version of him from my memory of that night four years ago.  I'd wanted to take him even then.  Would it have ended the same?

 

I hadn't brought him to my home to violate him.  I'd done so to save him from that very fate.  I wanted to protect him, take my time seducing him and binding him to me in every way possible.  He was supposed to be the person I cherished more than any other.  I had built up this idea of him in my head for so long that I didn't know how to see him any other way.

 

When he'd started trying to leave the moment he'd woken up, when he hadn't even remembered me, that fantasy had come crashing down around me.  Anger and bitterness had overwhelmed me until all I could think about was having him, any way possible.  I felt as if he'd shattered all my hopes.  As if I  _ deserved _ to have him, his own wishes on the matter be damned.

 

In the heat of my anger, the fact that it wasn't his fault he didn't remember me hadn't crossed my mind.  He'd been drunk.  It had been one night, years before _.  I _ was the one who'd allowed it to consume me, who'd obsessed about it endlessly.  He'd probably forgotten about our encounter by the time he'd reached his house.  My fists clenched in helpless rage at the very thought.  This wasn't what I wanted.  How had everything gone so wrong?

 

Now, he was lying abused in my bed, without even the strength left to cry.  I'd taken him against his will and it was very likely he would never want to touch me again.  I couldn't stand the thought.  No.  There had to be another way.  I rose stiffly and rinsed my mouth, then wiped Cain's blood off my body with a shiver of disgust.

 

When I returned to the bedroom, he was just as I'd left him, in the fetal position with his eyes squeezed shut.  I knew he heard me approach, because he flinched and his breathing grew ragged.  A small sound of distress escaped his throat when I grabbed his leg and lifted it, pressing a warm washcloth against him to clean him up.  I was gentle, but he remained stiff and shaking.  When I was done, I tossed the washcloth away and sat there waiting.   After several long minutes, I felt him tense again.

 

“Will you let me go now?”

 

Anger roared to life in me once more, but all it took was one look at his battered body to push it down.  Why would he want to stay after what I'd just done to him?  Still, he needed to know that I had no intention of letting him go.  “Maybe you didn't understand me earlier,” I said, trying to sound more gentle than commanding but knowing I was failing.  “You belong to me.  You'll be staying here from now on.”

 

“What more could you want from me?”

 

I laughed bitterly, hardly believing his naivete.  “Do you really think a body can only be used once?”  He curled more tightly in on himself and I cursed myself for my harsh words.

 

“You've already used and humiliated me.  Surely there are willing women you'd rather sate yourself with now that you've...”  He stopped, and I wondered how he would have finished that sentence.  Would he have described it in crude words?  Innocent euphemisms?

 

“Willing, I would prefer.  Women, I would not.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“You're not surprised.”  I wasn't, either.  It had been impossible, from a very young age, to hide my sexuality.  Few outside of my organization knew for a fact, but the rumors abounded.  If he'd heard of my reputation, then he'd likely at least heard the accusation once.

 

“Tien said once that someone had said so, but he didn't believe it.  That only sissies and weaklings were attracted to other men.”

 

“Is that what you think?”  My voice was tight.  I'd fought against those sort of assumptions my whole  fucking life.

 

“What difference does it make?”  He sounded weary and hopeless.  It tugged at me, lashing me anew with the guilt of what I'd done to him.

 

“Had you ever been with a man before this?”

 

“No.”

 

“Have you ever been attracted to one?”  

 

His eyes opened, but instead of looking at me, he stared at the wall blankly.  “What difference does it make?” he repeated.  I fought a sigh of frustration.  Couldn't he see the restraint I was exercising?  Couldn't he tell how hard I was trying?

 

“I'm going to have you again, Cain.  Many times.  I wasn't lying when I said I preferred willing.  I want you to like it.”

 

“I didn't.  I won't.”

 

“That won't stop me,” I snarled.  He said nothing.  “Maybe eventually you'll learn to like it.”  More than that, I would  _ make  _ him enjoy it.  I could force him to feel pleasure.  Again, he said nothing and I felt guilt build once more.  He was still raw and aching from my ministrations, and I was already thinking about forcing him again.  Why couldn't I stop myself?  “It won't always be like this,” I said softly.  Still, he remained silent.  Rather than let my anger best me again, I rose and left the room.  

 

I didn't want to hurt him any more.  I didn't want to make him unhappy.  But I wasn't going to let him go.  Not only would I lose my chance with him forever, but he would go right back to his cousin, who would gladly sell him off again.  After seeing the price he'd fetched, the people who ran the auctions would be more than happy to buy him a second time.  There wasn't any way I could let him go.  I would keep him with me, keep him safe, even if I had to force him for as long as it took.  There were already many security systems in the apartment, but I would need to add several more now that I would be keeping someone in as well as keeping others out.

  
  


**Cain**

 

I heard the door close and looked up.  There was a phone on the table beside the bed, but I wasn't surprised to discover that it was dead.  There were large windows, but they didn't look like the kind that opened, and I wasn't yet to the point where I wanted to contemplate going out the window of a high rise.  I shifted slightly and pain raked over me.  I wondered vaguely how much more of this kind of treatment it would take before I  _ was _ ready.

 

Eventually, I fell into a fitful sleep.  I dreamed of Jaerim's face, except it was younger and scuffed.  It loomed over me, and instead of feeling fear, I was somehow comforted. His head lowered to mine and he kissed me.  It was tender and firm, his tongue stroking mine masterfully until I wanted nothing more than to cling to him.  He pressed me back against the wall, the weight of him sending delicious shivers through me.  Then, his hand gripped my wrist and yanked my arm back.  He spun me around until I was pinned away from him, and he shoved my jeans down my legs.  I tried to cry out but no sound escaped my throat.  I couldn't fight back, couldn't move at all as he parted my legs.  I braced for the pain, praying for someone to save me but knowing no one would-

 

The sound of running water woke me.  I was panting and sweat covered my body in a sheen.  Jaerim stood at the foot of the bed, watching me, his expression inscrutable.  “I drew a bath for you.  You should soak for at least half an hour.”

 

“Is that an order?” I asked him, not even sure why I bothered.  A bath did sound wonderful.  Still, I didn't want to accept any kindness from him.

 

“Does it have to be?”

 

I paused.  Whatever spirit had revived me suddenly left.  I only felt defeated.  He waited for my reply and I finally shook my head.  Slowly, I shifted and sat up.  The room spun a little and my body ached fiercely.  When I felt I could, I tried to stand.  Jaerim watched me intently.  I assumed that he was watching to make  sure I didn't fall, but I couldn't help but feel he was waiting for the right moment to pounce.  With deliberate care, I put one foot in front of the other.  I managed one step, then two.  On the third, my knee buckled. 

 

Jaerim caught me up against his chest with a growl and strode to the bathroom.  I tried to make myself as small as possible in his arms, wishing I didn't feel so helpless.  He put me down in the water with more gentleness than I expected, getting the sleeves of his shirt wet in the process but not seeming to care.  The water was hot and smelled of eucalyptus.  Had he put something in it for me?  Maybe he was trying to ease his guilty conscience.  I appreciated the results, but I didn't give a damn about how he was feeling.  And why should I?  He hadn't taken my feelings into consideration when he'd forced himself on me.  If he thought this would soften me towards him, or even make me want to forgive him for what he'd done, he was mistaken.

 

Despite what he claimed, I wasn't a piece of property to be owned by anyone.  And though it was against my nature to hold onto anger or resentment, I couldn't forgive him.  Especially not when he'd already said he would be having his way with me again, without my consent.  I shivered in the water, wishing I was stronger.  That I was big enough to fight him off.  I was no weakling, and though my height might be slightly below average I wasn't by any means small.  Still, against someone of his size and strength, I was a helpless as a child.  This time, the drugs had hindered by ability to fight back, but I knew that even without their effects, he would easily overpower me.

 

So what was I supposed to do?  Just lie down and let him do whatever he wanted with me?  I could try to find a weapon of some sort and fight him, but that kind of violence was abhorrent to me.  Plus, despite how much I resented it, I  _ did _ still owe him a debt.  Even if he hadn't 'saved' me the way I'd thought at first, if what he'd said about Tien's debts was even remotely true, then I owed him at least whatever amount Tien had been indebted to him for, not to mention what above that he'd paid at the auction.  It all mixed up in my head with anger and a sense of duty.  It had been ingrained in me from a young age, and then reiterated further in my time with Tien, that debts were always to be paid.  So was I supposed to just give into him?  Accept my fate?

 

No, I couldn't do that.  Not for myself, but because Tien was still out there, possibly in danger.  Whatever else happened, he was my family, and I needed to do everything I could to try and save him.  As I felt the hot water soothing my aches and lulling me into a doze, I realized that there was perhaps one single thing I had to offer that might help Tien.  Something I could use to get Jaerim to save him.  It might not work; he might not care enough to make the effort, but I had to try.

 

I rose and pulled the drain before I fell asleep in the water.  There was a towel on the warming bar by the door, and I dried myself gingerly.  Part of me wanted to wrap it around my chest to cover as much skin as humanly possible, but I disliked the indignity of it.  Instead, I wrapped it around my waist and opened the door to the bedroom.  Jaerim was reclined in the bed, the lamp on the side table illuminating whatever he was reading.  Strangely, there were small frameless glasses perched on the end of his nose.  It made him look so... human.

 

He looked up, took off the glasses and set aside the papers he'd been reading.  His eyes ran up the length of my body before settling on my face.  As if he sensed I had something to say, he waited in silence.

 

“Whatever you may think of him, Tien is still my family.  I have to help him whatever way I can.”  I could see his jaw clench and he narrowed his eyes.

 

“I believe I've already explained to you that there's nothing you  _ can _ do.  I won't allow it.”

 

“But  _ you _ can help him.”

 

One raven brow raised.  “And why would I do that?”

 

“I'll make a deal with you.  An exchange.”

 

“Oh really?  I already own you, and by extension, everything that's yours is now mine.  I can take anything I want from you. What could you possibly offer me?”

 

I swallowed, wondering if I could really follow through with this.  But for Tien, I would.  I had to.  “Compliance.  You said you'd rather have me willing.  It's maybe the one thing you can't have unless I give it to you.”

 

“You'd submit to me willingly any time I wanted in order to save your cousin?”  He seemed surprised.

 

“I- I won't like it.  I can't change that.  But I won't fight you.”

 

“Come here.”

 

I froze for a moment, unprepared for the order.  But perhaps he was testing my resolve.  I forced my feet to move.  At the edge of the bed, I sat.  He shifted slightly, leaving an opening next to him, his desire obvious.  Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I scooted against him.  I expected him to attack me again.  To pin me down, or at the least, to grope me.  Instead, he slipped his hand behind my head and pulled me in for a kiss.

 

I was reminded sharply of my dream.  The kiss was gentle but firm, his tongue dancing sensuously inside my mouth before retreating and then repeating the process.  I didn't participate in the kiss, but I didn't pull away, either.  He left one lingering lick across my bottom lip, then shifted back slightly.  “You'll like it,” he whispered roughly.

 

“I won't.”

 

He only smirked, then reclined back again.  “I accept your terms.  Tien's safety for your compliance.  But just in case you're thinking of changing your mind later on, you should know that it will be just as easy for me to put him back in danger as it will be to get him out of it.”

 

“I'll thank you not to insult me,” I snapped, offended by the accusation.   _ He _ was the one with the skewed moral compass, not me.  He only laughed, then rose from the bed.

 

“I'll go make the calls.  You'll sleep here from now on.  No clothes.”

 

“F-fine.  But how will I know that you've really helped him?  You could just tell me that you did and I wouldn't have a way of knowing the difference.”

 

“Now who's being insulting?” he asked.  I didn't say anything, and he glowered.  “You'll hear it in his own words.”  Then he left, closing the door behind him.

 

I heard muffled speaking, and once what sounded like cursing.  After several minutes, he came back in the room scowling and handed me the phone.  “Tien?” I pressed the receiver tightly to my ear.

 

“Cain?”

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah, I'm fine.  Whatever did to convince him worked.  I had ended up in some hot water, but now things are cleared up.”

 

“I'm so glad!  I saw you at the hotel, but-”  The phone was snatched from my hands.  “Don't!”  Jaerim hung it up and tossed the phone down onto the side table.  “I wasn't finished!  I... I didn't even get to say goodbye.”  I realized there were tears pricking the backs of my eyes and blinked furiously to fight them.

 

“He didn't deserve the deal you made for him, and he doesn't deserve a goodbye from you.  He's lucky I was willing to help at all.”

 

“You're getting your payment for that,” I snapped angrily.  Suddenly, his mood shifted.

 

“You're right.  I am.”  He took off his robe and slipped under the blankets.  I felt a shudder go through me that I couldn't repress.  Instead of backing away like my mind was screaming for me to do, I stayed still, letting him get closer to me until our skin touched.  I gasped for breath, suddenly feeling as though I couldn't get enough air.  My heart seemed to be pounding out of control.  My scalp prickled with fear as I tried to prepare myself for what he was about to do.  The pain, the invasion.  The humiliation of not even fighting him back.

 

He slid his hand up my bare chest and pulled my back flush against his torso.  His skin was hot.  I could feel his cock semi-hard against my ass and didn't allow myself to flinch away.  I didn't have the drugs relaxing me any more, and I was already sore from the first time.  I couldn't imagine how much worse the pain would be this time.  Jaerim's lips pressed to my shoulder softly.  In any other circumstances, I would have thought the gesture tender, loving even.  Instead, it seemed more like a claiming.  A brand.  I closed my eyes and tried not to move a muscle.

 

One minute passed.  Then two.  Was he drawing it out just to torture me?  Toying with me, maybe?  Five minutes.  Ten.  “If you're going to... to f-fuck me again, I'd rather you did it while I'm still awake so I don't accidentally fight you in my sleep and break my word.”

 

“I'm not doing anything else to you tonight.  You need to rest.  Go to sleep.”

 

I was shocked.  Surely he wanted sex again, if the now full on erection prodding my back was any indication.  I thought he would be eager to have me submit to him willingly.  It wasn't as if he cared that I was already in pain.  So why was he holding back?  “I promised you I wouldn't fight you and I won't.  You don't have to try and surprise me.”

 

“As if I would need to surprise you to overpower you,” he scoffed.  “I'm tired.  Go to sleep,” he commanded again.  He pulled be more tightly against him, so my head was pillowed on his bicep and the hand of that arm was splayed on my chest.  His other hand gripped my hip possessively, and our legs were entwined.  It wasn't what I wanted, but it wasn't exactly  _ uncomfortable _ , either.  

 

I blamed it on the traumatic day, on the draining emotional toil and the physical exhaustion, but there was some small comfort to be taken from being held.  Even by the man who'd attacked me so mercilessly not that long ago.  Perverse, but I found that for one weak-willed moment, I didn't care.  I would take what comfort I could and be grateful for it.  I pressed my face against the warm skin of Jaerim's arm, feeling his steady pulse thrum, and let myself sleep.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I stared down at Cain, amazed that he'd fallen asleep in my arms. I had thought that I would be the one taking comfort in our companionship, and here he had drifted off only moments after I'd pulled him close.  But if the dark smudges under his eyes were any clue, he was exhausted beyond his ability to handle.  After the day he'd had, I wasn't surprised.  And I hadn't made it any easier.

 

I tried to mull over the things that had happened and make sense of them all.  My plans had all gone askew almost from the first.  It was easy to say that Cain was the one who'd ruined them, with not remembering me and his determination to rescue his worthless cousin, but I knew that my own anger issues and impulse control were just as much to blame.  

 

The last thing in the world I'd expected when he returned from his bath was the offer of compliance.  But I'd underestimated his need to see Tien safe.  The fact that he was only willing to submit to me because of that bastard churned my gut, but I would take it any way I could.  He'd been right, it was the one thing I couldn't simply take.  The idea of having him again, this time pliant and willing, was enough to make me nearly wild with lust.  How many times had I fantasized about taking him over the years?  A hundred, a thousand, ten thousand?  And in all of them he welcomed me into his body.  Sometimes eagerly, sometime shyly, sometimes seductively.  But never had I imagined he would fight me as he had earlier.

 

My gaze ran down the length of his body and the bruises on his pale skin stood out even more harshly in the moonlight.  I clenched my jaw.  I would work on controlling my anger.  I could keep from hurting him again.  Especially now that he wouldn't be fighting me.  Still, I knew it would take time for his body to heal from my initial fervor.  Not only that, but I wanted to seduce him properly.  I wanted to entice him.  And for that to happen, I needed him to not be afraid of me any more.  Which was a goal that would take patience and work, if it had any chance of even succeeding at all.

 

He'd clearly expected me to take him again while his body was still bruised and broken.  The assumption had hit me hard, and I realized that he had no reason to expect otherwise.  What kindness had I shown him since revealing to him that I'd bought him?  But I would change that.  I could ease his mind as well as his body into further coupling.

 

My cock ached with just the thought.  I shifted, and it nestled in the cleft of his ass.  I groaned.  It would be so easy to just-

 

No.  I'd told him I wouldn't, and I could resist.  I pressed slightly closer, relishing the feel of heat engulfing my shaft, then eased back.  It would go down eventually.  In the meantime, I needed to come up with a plan for getting myself back into Cain's good graces.

 

Presents, perhaps?  I doubted he'd received many from Tien, and he'd claimed that his cousin was his only family.  A sudden thought struck me cold.  He might have received them from a lover.  Yes, he'd said that he'd never slept with a man, but that didn't mean that he didn't have a boyfriend that he'd never had sex with, or a girlfriend that he was used to fucking regularly.  He could be in love with someone else for all I knew.

 

Hatred gripped my heart for that unknown person.  It was irrational, I knew, but I felt it all the same.  Cain wouldn't feel that for anyone but me.  I would make sure of it.  Whatever gifts they'd given him, I would give him better ones.  Whatever pleasure they'd given him in bed, I would give him more.  Whatever tenderness he'd felt for them he would feel doubly for me.  I would be considerate of him, would provide for him and take care of him.  I would become his whole world, and then I would be the only one he loved.

 

With that resolve foremost in my mind, I finally let myself fall asleep.

  
  


**Cain**

 

When I woke, I was alone.  The events of the previous day ate at my mind.  I didn't feel as though Jaerim had done anything to me in my sleep, so I guessed he'd kept his word.  Not that there was much I could have done if he hadn't.  In fact, it would have been nice if I could have slept through the entire ordeal.  Perhaps he would consider-

 

The phone rang, startling me from my thoughts.  I was surprised it even worked.  But considering the circumstances, it probably only took incoming calls.  I raised the receiver to my ear.

 

“Hello?”  Was that my voice?  It sounded huskier than normal, even though I'd just woken.  But the collar I'd worn the day before had been tight, and I'd screamed more than once...

 

“Good morning.”  I didn't expect it to be anyone else, but I was still unprepared to hear Jaerim's voice.  I didn't return the greeting.  “You'll find breakfast on the table.  It should still be warm.  I'll be gone all day, but dialing 0 on the phone will connect you to Alex, who can send up anything you'd like for lunch and dinner.  There is also an assortment of groceries in the apartment if you'd prefer to cook.  The television has every channel available, and there are books in the library.  Feel free to explore, but of course you won't be allowed to leave the apartment.  If you need anything else, you can reach me by dialing 99 on the phone.  It won't make any other outgoing calls.”

 

“Okay.”  There was a pause.  Was he expecting me to thank him for his consideration?  If he would let me go, he wouldn't need to make any arrangements for me at all.  I could find some way to pay him back for whatever he'd spent on me at the auction...

 

“I'll be thinking of you all day, Cain.”  His words sent a jolt through me, and I wasn't sure of what.  In any other circumstances, they would be something someone might say to their lover.  Something sweet, perhaps even sexy.  To me they sounded ominous.  Almost desperate.  “See you this evening.”  There was another pause, and I could hear his breathing through the line.  Then it went dead.  I laid back on the bed and tried to calm my whirling mind.  

 

What sort of man had I found my life bound to?  Jaerim seemed equal measures cruel and calculating.  He could be gentle, almost magnanimous even, but it was hard for me to imagine that every kind gesture wasn't intended to be used against me somehow.  He was at turns angrily unhinged and coldly logical.  I didn't know what to expect from him or how I was supposed to act around him.

 

There was obviously something about me that drew him enough for him to want to keep me, even with the added the inconvenience.  I didn't think it was just the sex.  Surely he could get that easily, despite his more unusual taste.  It couldn't have been my looks, either.  While I had never considered myself ugly by any means, I wasn't strikingly handsome or even effeminately alluring.  He didn't know me well enough for it to have anything to do with my personality.  So what, then?

 

I rose from the bed, still lost in the puzzle of it.  Of him.  There was, indeed, warm breakfast waiting for me on the table.  I briefly considered not eating it out of spite, but not only was that against my nature, I also found I was ravenous.  I ate every morsel and would have licked the plate if I didn't suspect there were cameras recording my every move.  Once I finished, I cleaned my plate and began exploring the apartment.  It was large for just one person, but coldly impersonal.  There were no photos on the walls, no knickknacks or homey touches.  Perhaps the most comfortable room in the entire apartment was the library.

 

It was one of the largest rooms, with shelves lining every available inch of wall and several free standing bookcases on the floor.  I scanned the titles and was pleased to see that there was a wide array of choices.  At least I wouldn't be bored during my time here.  There was an entire book case on business management and finance.  Not the type of business knowledge I'd expected someone like Jaerim Black to have, but I realized that of course he would need some know-how for his legitimate ventures.  Further in the room, almost hidden away, was a shelf full of psychology and self help books.  Most were about anger management, but there were ones on recovering from trauma, psychological abuse, as well as obsessive disorders. 

I wondered for a moment why Jaerim had these books, but then pushed the thought away.  It didn't matter.  He was obviously aware of his issues, and they were unresolved.  I didn't care what had caused them.  I didn't want to feel any kind of sympathy towards him.  Whatever demons lay in his past, it was no reason for him to torment me.

 

Instead of lingering there, I chose a novel I'd read before and sat down in an armchair.  The familiar words swept me along, and I happily went into a world of fiction, where good triumphed over evil, and heroes got happily ever afters.  As the main character pondered the choices of his love interest, I found myself wondering how a man like Jaerim had ended up being attracted to other men.  I'd never heard of such a thing before leaving the commune, and Tien's views on the matter were harsh indeed.  The way he'd described it made being inclined that way sound like some sort of disease to be avoided at all costs.  Still, I knew Tien wasn't perfect, and I didn't always agree with him on such things.  He claimed I was far too naive, but I couldn't understand judging an entire group of people so harshly.

 

I hadn't been a shut in for the last four years.  It was impossible to live in a city this size and not brush shoulders with people like that (though Tien did try).  Those that I'd met had seemed little different than any others.  There were, perhaps, some more interesting characters, but I didn't necessarily see that as a bad thing, either.  And obviously there were men like Jaerim among their number, hyper-masculine and tough.

 

Though Tien made it sound as if such a lifestyle was something chosen or rubbed off, I wondered if most weren't simply born that way.  Hadn't Tien been born attracted to women?  So why shouldn't the reverse be true?  And if it was, why was it looked down on?  How was it different than being born with blonde hair, or being left-handed?

 

My mind flashed back to Jaerim asking me if I'd ever been attracted to a man before.  I'd shut out the question because I didn't want to think about it, and even if I had, I wouldn't have wanted to share that part of myself with him.  He didn't deserve to know me that way.  Now, though, I let myself ponder it.  Despite my cousin's strong feelings, I wouldn't have let that stop me from pursuing someone if I'd found a person I was interested in, man or woman.  I hadn't, though.    I thought it was possible that I simply needed to know a person to be attracted to them, rather than decide only from what I could see on the outside.

 

There were a few people that I'd gotten to know fairly well over my years in the city, but none that I found myself physically drawn to.  It wasn't as though I didn't have any sexual urges at all, but rather that they seemed muted around most people.  I wondered with no small amount of bitterness what my first time with a partner would have been like if Jaerim hadn't taken it.

 

I pushed the thought from my mind as soon as it came.  Not only was it pointless, but I didn't want that bitterness to consume me.  What was done, was done.  There was no sense in wishing it otherwise.  Whatever hatred Jaerim held in his heart, I didn't want it to become at home in mine.  I didn't hate Jaerim, despite what he'd done to me, and what he would do to me again.  I wouldn't allow him that much control over me.  I felt nothing for him but vague curiosity.  Pity, perhaps.

 

That didn't mean I had to respect his decisions or like him.  He was twisted inside in a way that frightened me.  I could never like someone like him, which meant that I would  _ never _ be attracted to him.  Which also meant that I would never enjoy what he did to me sexually like he seemed convinced I would.  Perhaps, on a purely aesthetic level, if I'd seen him on the street, I would have been intrigued.  He looked both foreign and somehow oddly familiar to me.  I would have wondered why.  Might have wanted to know him because of that.  And perhaps, if he'd shown me the kindness within him, the laughter that seemed to come so easily to him, I would have liked him.

 

Things could have been so different..

 

But he still would have had that darkness inside him, lurking beneath the surface.  Would he have lashed out at me like he had our first meeting?  It was foolish to think that being close to me could have somehow tempered it.  No, he still would have hurt me, one way or another.  It was better that I knew about the violence within him, the cruelty, from the start.

 

I made lunch for myself rather than try to order anything from the hotel.  I didn't want to face the prospect of speaking with anyone working here.  Did they know I was being held captive – or rather that I 'belonged' to their boss?  Had he told them not to let me out?  I didn't want to think that so many people could be involved in something so dark.

 

After eating, I felt courageous enough to look for ways out.  The large windows didn't open, but there were smaller ones that let air through.  Much too small to escape through, even if we weren't fifty stories up.  There was a balcony as well, but again, escaping that way meant certain death.  The phone was indeed only allowed to dial the hotel and to Jaerim.  I knew that he'd made calls from it the night before, so there had to be some code that would let it ring out, but despite how many combinations I tried, I couldn't make it work.

 

The main entrance to the apartment was an elevator, which had a keypad next to it.  I was unable to guess the code of that as well.  There had to be stairs somewhere, but I couldn't find a door that led to any.  I wouldn't have been surprised if Jaerim had it locked, anyway.  What would he care if there was a fire and I was trapped up here?

 

I found a laptop and opened it, hoping to get an internet connection.  Then cursed the extent of my 'owner's' foresight.  It was child locked.  I could use the search engine, but any sites that would allow outside communication were blocked.  After nearly an hour of trying to work around it, I gave up.  There wasn't really anyone I could get to help me, anyway.

 

Tien wasn't powerful enough to go against Jaerim, and knew I still owed a debt to the man.  I didn't know many other people, and those I did would be useless in a situation like this.  Still, I would have liked to at least be able to contact my school and let them know I would be unable to return for the foreseeable future.   _ Ever _ ?  The sudden thought stuck in my throat and I felt pain and panic and despair curl up inside me.  Was this to be the rest of my life?  Captive to a cruel man's whims?

 

No, he would tire of me eventually.  Decide that I wasn't worth the effort any more.  And then he would either kill me or let me go.  I could only hope that he chose to free me.  In the meantime, I would have to simply endure it.  Whatever he did to me, I could close off my mind and survive.  

 

Dinner came and went, and still Jaerim didn't return to the apartment.  I wasn't exactly unhappy with that, but I would have rather faced him head on, than wait for him in the darkness.  I didn't want to fall asleep and wake up to him attacking me again.  After changing into pajamas – his, no doubt, but they were the only ones I could find – I paced the floors and tried not to think about the night to come.  He'd given me a reprieve for whatever reason the night before, but I doubted greatly his generosity would extend again.  Rather than dwell on it, I turned on the television.  I didn't care what was on, I simply wanted the light and the noise.  After another hour, I went to the kitchen for a drink.  My throat was dry and my hands were shaking.

 

All this and he still wasn't even home.  What would I be like when he did finally arrive?  Would I have worked myself up so much that I passed out?  The idea had its merits, but I didn't want that.  I took a drink of water, letting the cool liquid soothe my throat and ease my frazzled nerves.  The floor creaked behind me.  I whirled around, the glass falling from my trembling fingers.

 

It shattered on the floor.

 

Jaerim stared at me with those inscrutable black eyes, looming over me in the semi-darkness.

 

“I-I'm sorry!” I managed to stutter.  My heart felt as though it would pound out of my chest.  I knelt to try and pick up the glass shards, and out of the corner of my eye saw Jaerim move towards me at terrifying speed.  I cringed away, a gasp of fear escaping my throat.

 

He froze.  Something almost like pain crossed his face, and then cleared away.  Slowly, deliberately, he reached out and grabbed my wrist.  I had put my hand down in the glass backing away from him, and realized that there were slivers of it digging into my skin.  Small trickles of blood began to make their way down my fingers.  His mouth tightened, but he didn't speak.  Instead, he tugged me along behind him to the bathroom.  Once there, he pushed me down to sit on the edge of the bath tub and began plucking the shards of glass from my hand.  Despite the fact that most of them were incredibly small, he managed to use his much larger hands deftly and gently.  In a few moments, he'd removed the last of them and ran his fingertips over my skin, searching for any left behind.

 

Satisfied there were none, he rinsed the blood from my hand and pressed gauze to it firmly.  “I was led to believe you are reasonably intelligent,” he said at last, voice deceptively neutral.  “You should know not to pick up broken glass with your bare hands.” 

 

“I wouldn't have gotten cut if you hadn't frightened me.”

 

“Did you think I was going to hit you?  Or fuck you right there in the kitchen?”  His grip on my hand grew painfully tight and I winced.  Immediately, he lightened his hold.

 

“I-I don't know,” I answered honestly.  Jaerim pulled away the gauze and applied several bandages to my cuts.  When he was finished, he let his head fall forward and ran his hands through his hair.  When he looked back up at me, he seemed incredibly tired.

 

“What happened yesterday isn't what I-  It won't be like that again.  I won't strike you or try to hurt you.  And when we sleep together, you'll know my intentions.  It's not my desire to have you live in constant pain or fear.”

 

“What  _ do _ you want?” I asked softly, confused by his care.

 

“You.”

 

I didn't know what to say to that.  What was I supposed to think of such a thing?  I couldn't fathom why he wanted me, or what he intended to do with me other than what he'd already done.  Not for the first time I thought that if what he wanted was a sex slave, there would be others that were willing.  Likely more talented, as well.  So why me?  Before I could think on it any further, he rose and left the bathroom.  After a moment, I followed.  I could see him bent over in the kitchen sweeping up the rest of the glass, but I didn't go any closer.  

 

He rose, dumped the shards into the bin, then turned back to me.  “Did you eat?” he asked when he saw me watching him.  I nodded.  “Good.  Alex said you hadn't called down.  I don't want you starving yourself.”  He put his hand on my lower back, ushering me towards the bedroom.  I jumped a little at the contact, but forced myself not to try and pull away.  “Take those off,” he said gruffly, gesturing to the pajamas I was wearing.  I swallowed, but began unbuttoning the shirt with unsteady fingers.  He stripped off his own clothing quickly and gracefully, then got onto the bed.  I kept my back to him until I'd taken off the rest of my clothes, then laid down stiffly beside him.  I kept my eyes open and stared up at the ceiling, willing my body to remain pliant.  I regulated my breathing and waited.  I could do this.  I had to.

 

Heat connected with my skin as Jaerim's fingertips trailed down my jaw and to my chest.  He leaned over me and kissed my lips softly.  Though I was surprised, I didn't move.  When his tongue ran along the seam of my lips, I parted them slightly.  He deepened the kiss, groaning softly into my mouth and then pulling away.  I kept my eyes trained just over his shoulder as he moved his lips to my chin, my forehead, then finally I had to close my eyes as he kissed my eyelids.  I could feel his erection against my hip, the threat of it clear.

 

When I was certain he was going to move over me, he instead leaned back and turned on his side.  He pulled me against his chest as he had the night before, twining our legs together and wrapping his arms around me.  I remained stiff, uncertain as to what he was doing.

 

“I said I would tell you if I was going to fuck you,” he murmured.  “Relax.”  His teeth found my earlobe and bit down gently.  How did he expect me to relax when he did things like that?  When I could feel his cock pressed insistently against my back?  Still, there was nothing I could do even if he was lying, so I tried to relax as best I could.  The heat of him was stifling, his breath against my shoulder grated on my already frayed nerves.  Would I be able to sleep like this?  Having to trust that he was going to keep his word?  Yes, I'd managed to pass out the night before, but the drugs and the strain of the day had played a huge part of that.   “Cain...”  My name on his lips sounded like a caress.  He pressed an open mouthed kiss to the back of my neck and tightened his hold on me.

 

Was I really supposed to believe he wouldn't do more when he was acting like that?  His hips pressed closer to mine and my breath hitched.  He stilled, then laced his fingers through mine and he nuzzled the top of my head.  “Sleep,” he whispered, sounding like he was already half there himself.  I waited for several more minutes, but nothing else happened.  Perhaps he had truly meant what he said about not taking me.  Still, it was hard to relax and fall asleep with him holding me so tightly.

 

I wondered if he had some sort of dual personality.  I didn't understand how the man treating me so sweetly could be the same man who'd brutalized me the night before.  Then again, aside from that, he hadn't caused me any real physical harm.  I wondered if he'd meant what he said earlier about not wanting to hurt me or make me fear him.  If that was the case, I wanted to tell him that the only real way to prevent that was to let me go.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I woke to find Cain trembling in my arms.  My eyes snapped open and I eased my hold on him, searching for the cause of his distress.  “What's wrong?” I demanded, my voice gruff with sleep.  His face colored sharply and he sucked in a breath.

 

“I need the bathroom,” he admitted.

 

“What?”  How long had he been waiting?  “Jesus, go then!”  I untangled our limbs and pushed him a little to get him going.  He groaned as he rose from the bed.  The restroom door closed, then in another few moments the sound of running water came through it.   When he came back, I was still trying to rub the sleep from my eyes.  “No one ever said you had to wait for fucking permission to take a piss.  Why didn't you just go?”

 

He sat on the bed and pulled the blanket over his waist.  “I couldn't get you to let go of me.”

 

“What?”

 

“You had ahold of me, and I couldn't get out of the bed.”

 

“Fuck.  Wake me up next time then.  Pinch me or something.  Don't just lay there in pain like that.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

I nearly growled with frustration.  “Don't be fucking sorry.  Just stop assuming that I want you hurt in one way or another.”  He opened his mouth and I thought he was going to apologize again, but then he closed it and nodded.  “Are you hungry?” I asked after a moment of silence.  He nodded again.  “Give me a minute and I'll go cook you something.”

 

“You don't have to do that.”

 

“It's fine,” I started, rising from the bed.

 

“Really.  I'll do it.”

 

I paused, not sure how to take his offer.  I would think he was planning to poison me, except there was nothing in the apartment to do it with.  What other motive could he have?  Perhaps... perhaps my gentleness with him was beginning to pay off.  Maybe he'd forgiven me for my treatment of him the first night.  “Alright.”  With hope coiling in my chest, I went to the bathroom to shower.

 

When I was dressed and ready, I made my way to the kitchen to find breakfast waiting.  It smelled as delicious as it looked.  If it tasted even half as good, I would he happy.  There was only one plate, though.  A second one was already in the sink.

 

“Thank you for keeping your word last night,” Cain said as he handed me a mug of coffee.  I took it and inclined my head to him in acknowledgment.

 

“You won't be joining me?”

 

He paused.  “Do I have to?” 

 

My hopes from earlier crashed and burned.  Resentment bubbled up inside me.  “No,” I snarled.  “Get out.”  Cain turned and fled the kitchen.  I stabbed at my food roughly, eating as quickly as I could.  I wanted to say the food tasted like ash, but it was exceptionally good, which made me all the more bitter.  He wouldn't even share a fucking meal with me willingly.  After everything that I'd done.  It had cost far more than a paltry million to bail his worthless cousin out of trouble, but I'd done it.  All day I'd wanted nothing more than to go home and ravage him, but I hadn't.  Lying next to him in bed had tested all my resolve to keep my word, but I hadn't broken my promise to him.  And still, he could barely stand to look at me.

 

Part of me wanted to hunt him through the apartment and have him on whatever surface was nearest.  Didn't I deserve a little reward?  I owned him, after all.  No one else that might have bought him from that godforsaken auction would have been a fraction as kind.  

 

I realized I was gripping my fork so tight that the metal was starting to bend.  Wary of my own vehemence, I released the fork and let it clatter to the table.  Why had my mind turned to violence yet again?  That wasn't what I wanted between Cain and I.  Despite my disappointed hopes, I had no desire to hurt him.  But I couldn't seem to control my temper where he was concerned.  It took so little to set me off already, and my rages were explosive.  If I wasn't careful, I was going to break him beyond repair – if I hadn't done so that first night.

 

Regret gripped my throat and I stared down at my hands.  I'd woken up the night before and looked at Cain's body in the soft moonlight.  It had been still covered in ugly bruises.  Marks  _ I _ had put there.  As he'd slept, I had traced my fingers over them, fitting my hands gently where they had gripped so violently before.  I couldn't believe I'd been so rough with him.  He wasn't particularly fragile, so the fact that he'd been affected so much spoke volumes as to how savage I'd been.  It disgusted me.  Yes, I'd been dominant with my partners in bed before, but I'd never really injured one.  Especially one I cared about as much as Cain.

 

Had I ever cared about one as much as him?

 

I rose from the table and dropped my plate into the sink, then gathered my things to leave for work.  Against my better judgment I tarried a moment in the entryway, hoping Cain would come to see me off.  Again, I was disappointed.  Fighting back resentment once more, I punched the key code into the elevator and rode it down to the garage.

 

When I arrived at my office, Ryou was waiting for me with several business papers to sign as well as the morning index reports.

 

“The trust fund, detailed just as you requested, as well as a bit more information to add to yesterday's reconnaissance.  Information about the commune is still minimal, but if you want, I can send someone to gather intel in person.”

 

“Do it,” I ordered, signing the trust papers and handing them back to him.  I set the index reports aside to read later and looked over the information on Cain that Ryou had gathered for me.  There was surprisingly little known about his past.  Tien's life was an open book, but Cain had only entered it four and a half years previously.  The first eighteen years of his life were much a mystery.   I knew his parents had died in an accident when he was eight.  They'd been middle class business owners, successful but not wealthy, with no family except the father's eldest brother's only son.

 

After their death, all their assets had been put in trust and Cain had been sent to live in a remote commune when no one had come forward to claim him.  His father had worked with the leader many years before, and the man had taken Cain in for his father's memory.  That was the extent of it.  When he'd turned eighteen, he'd left the commune and discovered his only living family, Tien.  After that, Cain had lived with Tien, waiting tables in the restaurant his family owned and slowly working his way toward a degree.

 

According to the reports Ryou had just handed me, Tien had been notified when Cain's parents had died, but he'd been unwilling to take the boy in.  I wondered what Cain would say if he knew his precious cousin had abandoned him in his hour of need.  But apparently that wasn't the end of his treachery.  Cain had naively handed control of the trust his parents had left him over to Tien.  And Tien had squandered every last penny of it.  Between that and the fact that he hadn't been paying Cain full wages for the past four years, I guessed the money Tien owed him was nearly what he'd owed me.

 

Cain was far better off in my care, that much was clear.  The trust I'd set up for him would provide him with funds enough to do whatever he wished in the event of my death, and now that I had Tien and the rest of his worthless family by the balls financially, they wouldn't ever bother Cain again.

 

Forcing myself to focus on business instead of the man likely trying to escape my apartment, I started looking over the reports.  I checked the numbers carefully once, twice, then a third time.  I'd been told from a young age that I was dumb, and the point had been driven home time and again as I grew, so I made damn sure that no detail slipped through the cracks under my watch.  Maybe I was stupid, but I was also tenacious.  And if my track record was anything to go by, my eye for strategy wasn't half bad, either.  Each piece of my empire was overseen with meticulous, nearly obsessive care.  Nothing went unnoticed.

 

Shortly after noon, I called Alex at the high rise and asked if my guest had called down to him for anything.  When the answer was negative, I frowned.  Yes, there was food enough in the apartment for him to cook, but why hadn't he taken up my offer to have something prepared for him?  Surely that was preferable to cooking for himself?  I wondered if he was eating.  He'd said he had, and there had been dishes in the sink the night before, but they could have been for show.  

 

If he was suicidal, there were far easier ways to go about it.  Then again, I knew depression could steal an appetite, and it was just as likely that was the issue.

 

I dialed the apartment and drummed my fingers against my desk as I waited for Cain to answer.  On the fifth ring, he picked up, slightly out of breath.

 

“Hello?”

 

“What were you doing?” I demanded, more harshly than I'd intended.

 

“I was in the bath.”

 

“Oh.  Good.  Have you eaten yet?”

 

“I had lunch.”

 

“What did you eat?”

 

There was a pause, and I couldn't tell if he was wondering about the purpose of my questions or trying to make something up.  “I made pasta and a salad.”

 

“What kind of pasta?”  If it was a lie, perhaps I could catch him in the details of it.  I heard him take in a breath and let it out through his nose in a rush.

 

“If you'd rather I didn't cook, or have certain things you don't want me to eat-”

 

“That's not it,” I interrupted.  “I just want to make sure you're actually eating.”

 

“I do my best not to lie, Jaerim.  Even to someone like you.”

 

Someone like me?  I clenched my jaw so hard that it cracked audibly.  “There is a notepad in the kitchen,” I said through gritted teeth.  “I want you to write down on it anything you need.  Food you like, toiletries, anything at all.  Understand?”

 

“Yes.”

 

I wanted him to say something more, to ask for something so that I could give it to him or for him to express gratitude for my generosity.  He said nothing else.  I fought back the urge to snap at him, reminding myself that he still had reason to resent me.  “How do you feel today?” I finally asked.

 

“I'm not bleeding anymore, if that's what you mean.”

 

Guilt gripped my chest again and I tried to breath through it slowly.  That was why he resented me still.  That was why he was turning from me every chance he got.  That was why I needed to earn back his trust.  I wanted to say something, anything, but couldn't find a single word.  Instead, I hung up and buried my face in my hands.

 

A few minutes later, the sound of a throat being cleared came from the doorway.  Ryou stood there with a new batch of papers for me to sign as well as my schedule for the afternoon.  “Have you ever hurt someone, Ryou?” I asked suddenly.  

 

“You know I have.  Many times.”

 

“Someone you cared about,” I clarified, thinking of our sordid past together.  He'd been a part of my father's organization for most of his life, and serving as my right hand man ever since I took over.  I knew the things my father had asked him to do.

 

If he was surprised by the suddenly personal question, he didn't show it.  “I have.”

 

“Did they ever forgive you?”

 

He looked at me shrewdly, as if studying my every feature.  “I believe so.  The harder part is forgiving myself.”

 

“That won't happen for me,” I dismissed.  “How did you get them to forgive you?”

 

“Time, patience, loyalty.  I never made the same mistake again, nor will I in the future.”

 

“And they trust you again?”

 

He almost smiled.  “Yes.”

 

Well that was something, at least.  Patience wasn't my strong suit, but time I had in spades with Cain, and loyalty wasn't an issue.  I just needed to keep myself from repeating the same mistakes.  I wouldn't hurt him.  Wouldn't give him more reason to cringe away from me.  Eventually, he would come to welcome my touch.  To crave it.

 

But no, I couldn't get ahead of myself.  Creating these unrealistic expectations of Cain and then being angry and resentful when he didn't live up to them was part of what had gotten me into this mess.  I needed to be realistic in my hopes for him.  It wasn't something that would happen overnight, no matter how gentle or generous I was with him.  I couldn't blame him for that.

 

After all, how long would it take me to forgive someone for doing to me what I'd done to him?  Someone who'd taken me against my will, injured me, insulted the only person I cared about and continued to keep me captive.  I would have felt humiliated and helpless.  Totally hopeless.  Not only that, but to have traded away my right to even defend myself in order to save someone else...  I wouldn't have anything left within me but hatred.  It was a wonder that Cain could even look at me without spitting in my face.

 

I was going to have to bank on him being more forgiving than I was capable of.  If he wasn't, then there was no hope for us.  And since I would never let him go, neither of us would ever get what we wanted.

 

“Cancel the rest of my appointments after the two o'clock,” I said to Ryou, who was still waiting by my desk.  “I'll be returning to the apartment.  Call me as soon as you get information from the commune.”  I rose and slipped on my jacket, gathering the papers I would need for the sight inspection.  “And Ryou...  I'm assuming I don't have to remind you again how important it is that this is kept under wraps.”

 

“No, Jaerim.”

 

“If this got out, he would be at terrible risk.”

 

“Indeed.”

 

“And if anything were to happen because of that, I would stop at nothing to punish those responsible.  Even those indirectly responsible.”  I paused.  “I'm honestly not sure if I'd be able to kill you.”

 

He stared at me for a long moment, then lifted one shoulder in a shrug.  “You'll never have to find out.”

 

I nodded and left the office, barely able to keep my focus on the inspection before heading back to the apartment.  As the elevator climbed higher, I felt my whole body itch with the need to touch Cain.  To hold him.  After the turbulently emotional morning I'd had, I wanted to assure myself that he was still there, and that eventually he would forgive me.  

 

My eyes scanned the foyer as soon as I stepped out of the elevator, despite knowing it was impossible for him to have known I was coming.  Not that he would meet me at the door even if he'd known.  I didn't hear anything, and for a moment, dread iced through me and I thought maybe he'd found a way out and left.  I tried to assure myself that was impossible, but began searching for him with my heart pounding anyway.  The kitchen was empty, the bedroom as well.  

 

When I strode into the library, I let out a breath of relief.  There he was, sprawled in one of the chairs, a book in his hand.  He saw me and jumped, dropping the book to the floor with a thud.  Before he could move, I stepped forward and picked it up.

 

“I haven't read this one yet.  Is it good?”

 

He stared up at me, mouth open, then took the book back when I offered it.  “Yes.”

 

“You've read it before?”

 

“Yes.  My father used-”  He stopped, as if he hadn't realized he was sharing something personal and wanted to take it back.

 

“Used to what?” I prompted, dropping into the chair beside his.  He refused to look back up at me.

 

“To read it to me.”

 

“And you enjoyed that?”  He sounded bitter, but I assumed that had to do with the fact that he was talking about it with me, rather than the memory itself.  No one had ever read to me like that before, but I wondered if it wouldn't be some sort of bonding experience.  My appetite for reading was born of necessity, seeking knowledge from books to make up for my natural lack of intelligence.  As such, I didn't read much fiction.  But if this book was one that Cain's father had read to him, and then he'd chosen to read again as an adult, it had to be at the least decent.

 

“It's one of my favorite memories of him,” he admitted.

 

“Will you read it to me?”  Perhaps, if I could recreate some of the sentiment he attached to those memories, I could further soften him towards me.  He frowned, and I wondered if I would have to order him to do it.

 

“Right now?”

 

“No.  After dinner, maybe.  I'll pour us some wine.  We can stretch out on the couch.”

 

“I don't drink,” he said somewhat warily.  I nearly contradicted him – obviously he'd drank at least once, that night four years ago.  But the resulting inebriation was likely the reason he chose not to drink now.  And it was clear that he thought I would use that to my advantage.  I managed to shrug nonchalantly.

 

“I won't make you, though a small glass will likely help you sleep.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

There was a silence, and I tried not to force him into conversation.  He was staring at the book, though I knew he wasn't reading it any longer.  I wanted to wait him out, to have him speak to me first, but eventually I gave in.

 

“I'm assuming you haven't eaten dinner yet?”

 

He shook his head in answer, giving up the pretense of reading the book.  “I'll call to have something delivered for us.  What do you prefer?”

 

“You don't have to do that.  I can cook something for myself.”

 

“You don't have to cook continually.  I can have food brought to us from any restaurant in the city.  Just tell me what you like.”

 

“Whatever you order will be fine.”

 

“Damnit Cain, I'm trying to be considerate here.  Can't you at least make a fucking effort to cooperate?”

 

“I don't  _ want _ to cooperate with you!” he exploded at me.  “I might have agreed to not fight you on... on other things, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to give into your every whim.”

 

“Fine,” I hissed, anger eating at the edges of my rationality.  “Don't tell me.  It's not as though I really need you to.”  I pulled my phone from my pocket and stabbed at the screen until it was ringing to Ryou.  “What's Cain's favorite restaurant?” I demanded as soon as he answered.  “The one he's visited the most or shown preference for.  For himself, not for that worthless cousin of his.”

 

There was a pause while Ryou started searching through whatever information he'd gathered, looking for that particular piece.

 

“Stop.”  The voice behind me was so low that I barely heard it.  I turned, and there was a look of resignation on Cain's face.

 

“Never mind, Ryou,” I said as I hung up the phone.

 

“I like Sal's, if it's my chance to pick.  Pizza, any type.”  His words were monotone and his eyes seemed to be staring just over my shoulder.

 

“Thank you,” I grated out, wondering what new side of him this was.  The last time he'd looked so desolate, he'd thought I was going to fuck him – and hurt him.  Why was he so upset about ordering dinner?  I called down to Alex and had him send for the food.  By the time I looked back, Cain was sitting stiffly on the couch and looking at the wall blankly.

 

I took a seat in a chair opposite him and tried to draw him into conversation.  I asked about what he'd done during the day, about his preferences on various things.  All I got were monotone, one word answers.  When the food arrived, I brought it in and we ate in silence.  Cain didn't protest when I handed him a half glass of wine.  As he sipped it, I cleared away the remnants of our meal and then sat on the sofa.

 

The book he'd been reading earlier was on the table, and I grabbed it, then pulled him back against me.  Instead of being stiff in my arms as he usually was, Cain was pliant, almost limp.  I nearly preferred his stiffness.  Finally, as he began to read, I got some real emotion from him again.  It took a few minutes, but as the story drew him in, he got lost in the grip of it, his voice rising and falling in the throes of it.  A ship sailed into harbor.  The hero set off to find the woman he loved.  Their happy reunion was overshadowed with scheming, and jealousy dogged their steps.

 

I, too, found myself wrapped up in the story.  It wasn't until Cain's voice grew hoarse that I realized night had fallen.  When he reached the end of the chapter, I stopped him and set the book aside.  If I had been hoping that he would remain emotionally present, I was disappointed.  As soon as he sat up, his eyes once more fell flat.  I needed to do something to snap him out of it, but I wasn't sure how far I could push him without breaking him.

 

Once I ushered us into the bedroom, I told him to strip.  I watched him, trying to decide what to do.  He shrugged out of his shirt and winced.  “What's wrong with your shoulder?” I asked.

 

“It's nothing.”

 

“It's obviously  _ not _ nothing.”

 

“I'm fine.”

 

I was at his side in a moment, my hand gripping his shoulder to feel for damage.  He gasped a little and pain flashed across his face.  “Why is your shoulder hurt?”

 

He stared at my face for so long that I thought he wasn't going to answer again.  Then, his eyes shifted to the side and his features went blank once more.  “It happened the night you brought me here,” he said with no inflection at all.  “When you were holding me down.  I think it strained something.”

 

Shame crawled along my body like a thousand spiders all at once.  My hand fell away from his shoulder and I nearly stumbled back.  I knew I'd gripped him hard, but fucking hell, just how much damage had I caused him?  There was no way he was trying to exaggerate an injury to make me feel guilty.  He had been careful not to show signs of pain, and likely wouldn't have said anything at all if I hadn't made him.

 

I wanted to lash out, but there was only myself to blame.  Didn't I already know how worthless I was?  How unsuited to be around civilized people?  What was I thinking, forcing him to stay with me?  I'd already shown that I was incapable of treating him properly.  There was no way he would forgive me, and it wouldn't be long before I hurt him again.  It was all I was capable of.

 

Still, I couldn't let him go.  I was too selfish, too desperate for him.  “Come here,” I said gruffly, ushering him to the edge of the bed and sitting him down on the floor beside it so that his back rested against the mattress.  I pulled lotion out of the bedside table and warmed some between my hands.  Cain didn't move or even turn to see what I was doing, simply sitting there as I'd told him.  When I pressed my slick fingers into the muscles of his shoulder, he inhaled sharply, but didn't pull away.

 

Slowly, methodically, I massaged the tense muscles.  I could feel knots kinking up his back and pressed the heel of my hand to them, rubbing in firm circles until they released.  There had been times after scrapes in my childhood that I'd done this as best I could on myself.  Other times Ryou and I had returned the favor for each other.  It was a familiar routine for me, seeking out damage and soreness, working it over until it was relieved.  But I'd never been repairing damage that I myself had caused.

 

A low moan broke the silence and immediately, Cain tensed.  Obviously he hadn't intended to let it slip.  Did he not want me to know that my massage was helping?  That he was enjoying it?  He'd made a point of assuring me that he would never like my sexual advances, but surely he could allow himself to enjoy this when I hadn't said I would be expecting anything more after.

 

He'd gone stiff again, and there wasn't much else I could do for his shoulder.  If my guess was right, it would be back to normal in a day or so as long as he didn't over strain it for some reason.  “Come to bed,” I said, not specifying that he needed to take off his pants.  He left them on and climbed under the covers, his cheeks flushed and eyes bright.  I knew it was not a sexual response, but still he looked incredibly erotic like that.  My body strained, nearly desperate for his, but I held myself back.  I turned him on his side and pulled him back against my chest for the third night in a row, my erection trapped between us uselessly.

 

I kissed him softly, meeting no resistance.  Then I relaxed behind him, drawing him even closer.  The light smell of the lotion that I usually found pleasant curled around me and reminded me of how much I'd hurt him.  I fought down the regret, the shame, all the ugly feelings, and trapped them in a box in my mind.  With deliberate care, I closed my eyes and cleared my mind.  It was only a few more moments before I felt myself drifting into dreams.

 

I was kissing Cain.  He was pliant beneath me, occasionally moaning in encouragement, his hands gripping my shoulders and our breath mingling harshly.  I slipped one hand down the front of his pants, rubbing him eagerly.  My own cock was already rock hard and aching.  I pressed it against him like a promise and he moaned again, holding me more tightly.  Having him in my arms, willingly accepting me, was driving me wild.  I hitched his leg around my waist, breaking our kiss long enough to trail my lips down his throat and to his chest.  He called my name and it spurred me on.  Did he know how much I'd longed to hear him say my name in passion?

 

I gripped myself, spreading around the moisture that had gathered on the tip in my excitement.  I wanted to be inside of him, was nearly wild with the desire for it.  My hand now slick, I released myself and gripped him again.  He wasn't hard.  Why wasn't he hard?  He was moaning, calling my name, his fingers digging into my shoulders-

 

“Jaerim!”

 

I kissed him, stroking his cock deliberately, trying to get him as aroused as I was.  What was preventing him?  Something wet slid across my cheek and I pulled back.  Cain turned his face away, but not before I saw the tear tracks down his temples.  His hands stopped digging into my shoulders and fell away limply.

 

_ Fuck.  Oh fuck oh fuck. _

 

He hadn't been moaning in pleasure, hadn't been pulling me closer.  He'd been trying to wake me up, trying to push me off of him.  I looked down and realized that I had him pinned to the bed, his leg forced up around my waist and my hand wrapped around his flaccid cock.  My own erection was dripping and dangerously close to thrusting into him.

 

I couldn't properly identify the sound that escaped my throat.  I released him instantly and scrambled back across the bed.  The glowing red numbers of the clock across the room told me it was nearly three in the morning.  I'd been dreaming about having him, and my body had taken up the torch.  I had nearly broken my word, both to myself and to him.

 

“Cain-”

 

“I'm sorry I was pushing you,” he said softly.  “I thought you were asleep and...  I won't struggle this time.  I've got myself under control now.”

 

“I  _ was _ asleep.  Cain, I didn't mean to.  Fuck!  I- I'm sorry.”

 

“It's fine.  You're free to do what you want.”  He kept his face turned away from me, and the resignation in his voice was breaking my fucking heart.

 

“Cain.” I tipped his chin towards me.  He resisted for only a moment, then let me look at his face.  His eyes were now dry, but I could still see the wet streaks down his temples.  “I didn't mean to.  I told you it wouldn't be like that again and I meant it.  I was dreaming, and I thought...”  I felt swallowed up by my own stupidity.  How could I have thought he wanted me?  Even in a dream I should have known better.  A hole seemed to have opened up in my chest, and I wanted comfort, both for him and for myself.  I pressed a kiss to his forehead and held him close with arms that I realized were trembling.

 

He flinched a little, then for one brief, beautiful moment, he clung to me.  He buried his face against my chest and let out a shaking breath that was nearly a sob.  Then, as if he realized that the man holding him was the same man who'd caused all this, he released me and went totally still in my arms.  I felt selfish and cold.  This wasn't the comfort he needed.  The last thing he likely wanted was for me to touch him at all.  I cupped his face in my hands and kissed his forehead again, hugged him tight, then released him and rose from the bed.

 

“I'll leave you alone for the night.  This won't happen again.”  Before he could reply, I left the room.  Anger and regret and shame and frustration roiled through me until I didn't think I could bear to hold it in any longer.  My fist shot out, smashing into the wood of the kitchen door jam.  Pieces splintered away and blood welled up across my knuckles.  I barely even felt the pain.  

 

After wrapping a towel around my hand so I didn't drip blood across the floor, I laid down on the couch.  The same thoughts I'd been having for days now chased each other around my mind.  Nothing had changed.  Still, I was getting more and more desperate for Cain, and my restraint was cracking.  My will was iron in my waking hours, but I couldn't control my subconscious.  And with enough heat, even iron would melt.

 

Tomorrow.  He'd had time enough to heal physically, and I'd done everything possible to convince him at least that I didn't  _ want _ to hurt him.  It would have to be enough.  I needed him.  Something would have to bend, or everything would break, and both of us would get hurt. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Cain**

 

Jaerim left the room, and a moment later there was a loud thud.  Had he fallen?  Punched the wall?  Thrown something?

 

I didn't want to care.  My heart was still pounding, and I was humiliated that there were tear tracks on my face.  But he'd left, and now I could lick my wounds in peace.  At least he'd stopped before truly hurting me.  And even if he'd kept going, I could comfort myself that it wouldn't have been nearly as violent as last time.  

 

I'd woken up to him kissing me, and for a confusing moment, I thought I was still in my own dream, the one I'd had before of him kissing me tenderly and my body responding to it.  But then his hand shoved in my pants and I realized that it was no dream.  I tried to push him off, startled by the intensity of his actions and how suddenly they'd come on, but all I could do was grip his shoulders.  His weight was far greater than my own, and my touch only seemed to entice him further.  When I'd opened my eyes, I realized that his were still closed.

 

At first I hadn't thought anything of it until he'd murmured my name and began to kiss me lower without opening his eyes.  I realized he was asleep and tried calling his name, tried waking him up, but he just kept on going, groping me and pressing himself closer.  True fear had woken within me when he gripped himself, and I felt moisture from the tip of him drip onto my bare skin.  He was really going to fuck me again, with no warning, no preparation.  He'd broken his promise, but I realized that I'd broken mine too.  Hadn't I said that I wouldn't fight him?

 

Just when I'd given up, and resigned myself to it, he woke up.  The look on his face when he realized what was happening wasn't one that could be faked.  He'd been horrified at what he'd done.  When he held me, I'd let myself be comforted by the embrace for one small, weak moment.  And as soon as I'd gone limp in his arms, he pulled back.  The kisses he'd pressed to my forehead had been achingly tender.  Then he was gone, and I was alone in the bed with my increasingly confusing thoughts.

 

I felt  _ sorry _ for him.  I didn't want to.  I felt sorry for myself.  For the situation he'd put me in.  But no matter how much I tried to harden my heart, the broken look on his face kept coming back to haunt me.  I had to face the admission that he truly didn't want to harm me.  So where did that leave things between us?  How did I feel?

 

I still deeply resented him for what he'd done.  He'd hurt me callously, treated me cruelly, and though it obviously bothered him, it wasn't enough for him to let me go.  Though he wouldn't go about it the same, he'd made it clear he intended to have me again, against my will.  He was holding me captive, as much with the locked doors as with the obligation I now had to him for the debt.  I couldn't forget that he was my jailer and my abuser.

 

But he'd helped Tien, had provided for me, had made every effort to see to my comfort within my confines, showed kindness and gentleness with me, was affectionate in a way that under other circumstances would have been heavenly...  It was all becoming so twisted in my mind that I wasn't sure I could keep it all straight.

 

More and more I circled back to the question of 'why me'.  I was beginning to believe that despite how he looked, and despite his obvious temper issues, Jaerim was actually a kind-hearted man.  There were things, huge things, that he needed to resolve, but he wasn't evil.  He wasn't malicious.  He hadn't just chosen me at random to toy with.  There had to be some deeper connection that I was missing.  Did I look like a lost lover of his?  Remind him of a family member in some warped Oedipal way?  Was he completely emotionally stunted and I was his crutch as he tried to move past it?

 

I laid awake for a long time, trying to organize my thoughts.  Jaerim didn't come back, and I believed that he'd meant it when he said he wouldn't.  Exhausted, I pulled the covers high over my shoulders and forced myself to close my eyes and try to sleep.  A snippet of a thought, small and seemingly random, floated to the surface of my mind.  I squeezed my eyes more tightly closed and tried to dismiss it, to push it away, to bury it.  Still, it surfaced again and flitted about.  Shame made my ears burn.

 

Through the fear and the confusion, what Jaerim had been doing to me hadn't really felt  _ bad. _  Not at all.

  
  
  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I left before Cain even woke the next morning.  The day seemed to drag on endlessly.  Part of it was because every time I closed my eyes, I saw Cain's face twisted up in horror at me.  It kept me tied up in knots.  Especially since the other reason that time was crawling by was that I planned to have him that night.  And I was  _ desperate _ for him.

 

How could I be both distraught over having upset him, and also so excited about doing something that would undoubtedly distress him?

 

I tried not to think about it too closely.  When I did, guilt took hold of me and reminded me that what I was doing was wrong.  And it fucked with my head that even knowing that wasn't enough to stop me.

 

Ryou seemed to sense my mood, and made every possible concession for me.  He rearranged my schedule, handled tasks he knew I wasn't capable of focusing on, and did his best to distract me.  I was incredibly thankful for him by the time I left that evening.  If I didn't know for a fact that he was already exceptionally well paid, I would have given him a raise on the spot.

 

I arrived back at the apartment just before dinner time.  As soon as I stepped through the door I could smell food cooking.  Remembering what had happened last time I'd startled him, I set my bag down with an audible thump in the foyer, then walked heavily towards the kitchen.  When I came around the corner, Cain was holding a spatula and wearing some of my clothes, rolled up at the sleeves to fit him.

 

“J-Jaerim-”  He seemed surprised, but didn't flinch away when I entered the kitchen.

 

“That smells good.  What are you cooking?”

 

“Fish.”

 

“Is there enough for two?”

 

He nodded hesitantly, then scooped it out onto plates.  I took mine from him and watched him as we sat down to eat.  He seemed better rested than the day before, and even studying him closely I couldn't see any signs of discomfort.  I wondered what he'd done all day.  What he was thinking.  How he was feeling about me.  How he would feel when the night was through.

 

“I noticed that you still haven't put anything on the list.  Surely there are things you'd like.”

 

“Nothing I can have,” he returned somewhat stiffly.  I assumed that he was speaking of his freedom.  That was the one thing I  _ wouldn't _ provide.

 

“There's no need to deny yourself out of spite.  I can give you the very best things money can buy.  Why not take advantage of that?”

 

“I have no desire to increase my debt to you, especially for a few minor conveniences.”

 

“Do you think I'm going to keep tally of every little thing you ask for and hold them against you?” I slammed my fork down, anger making my voice harsh.

 

“Wouldn't you?”

 

“No!  I told you I don't want you to be unhappy.  I told you I would provide for you.  I put you into this situation and I will take responsibility for it.  That means that getting you the things you need isn't increasing any debt between us.”

 

“That doesn't mean that I want to accept anything from you.” 

 

“You really hate me that much?”

 

He paused, looking up at me as if he regretted his words but not attempting to take them back.  After a moment, he looked back down at his plate.  “I don't hate you,” he admitted softly.   “I almost wish I did.  But I'm not willing to keep that kind of poison inside of me.  I dislike your decisions.  I can't condone the things you've done to me.  But I don't hate you.”

 

“Good.”  I wanted to say more.  To try and explain why I'd acted the way I had, or even to point out all the good I'd done.  Instead, I finished my meal in silence and then handed him the book when we sat in the living room.  Cain tried to perch on the other end of the sofa from me, but I pulled him back against my chest and stretched out.  As he had been the night before, he was hesitant at first, but seemed to blossom as he immersed himself in the story.

 

I almost stopped him when the hero was unjustly imprisoned, nearly unable to bear the irony, but I held myself back.  I didn't want to interrupt his reading.  For the first time since that night years ago, his face was alight with emotion, his voice heavy with passion.  He was a compelling storyteller, and I couldn't take my eyes off him.

 

Eventually it grew too dark for him to keep reading.  I thought he would probably have continued on if I'd switched on a lamp, but despite how much I loved hearing him read, there were other things I wanted to do more.  He marked our place in the book and I held my hand out for him.  There was no mistaking the heat in my eyes.  I could see his fingers trembling as he slipped his hand into my own.  Each step towards the bedroom his heart rate increased until I thought he might black out.  When we reached the bed, I began stripping off my clothes and gestured for him to do the same.

 

“I'm not going to hurt you.”

 

“But you are going to...”  He cleared his throat as if he couldn't quite put it into words.

 

“I'm going to be inside you tonight.”  My words froze him, then he stumbled to the bed and sat down heavily on it, faced away from me.  “But I'm not going to hurt you,” I repeated.

 

“Sure.”  His voice was faint and disbelieving.  I knelt on the bed behind him and put my hand on his shoulder.  He flinched away from me.   _ Fuck _ .  I thought he was past cringing from my touch.  With a light pressure, I urged him back onto the bed.  He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, then complied.  The blank look was back in his eyes.  I leaned over him, kissing his lips softly and trying to drive it away.  He allowed me access to his mouth, but wouldn't kiss me back.  Determined for him to enjoy this, I lowered my hand down between us to try and coax him to hardness.

 

His breath hitched when I gripped him, then evened out once more.  I stroked him slowly, ghosting my thumb over the head and frenulum.  He barely responded.  I kissed him again, delving into his mouth gently and teasing him.  My free hand went up to stroke his chest.  His cock twitched, thickened slightly, then twitched again when I began trailing my lips down his torso.  My destination was clear, and though it was plain from the carefully composed look on his face that he didn't  _ want _ to be affected by what I was doing, his body was responding.  I hovered over him for a moment, my breath whispering over the ultra sensitive skin.  Then I licked him from base to tip.  

 

The muscles in his stomach clenched, and his cock jerked in my hand, but otherwise he made no sign that he even noticed it.  I wrapped my lips around him and pulled him in deep.  Still no other reaction.  I began to move my head, sucking while I slid my tongue against him.  His breathing became labored and his fists clenched the sheets.   _ Ah, _ there was the reaction I was looking for.  I kept going, taking him deeper until I had the entire length of him in my mouth and his tip flirting with my throat.  I pulled back slightly, and his hips bucked forward.   Pleased, I obliged him by taking him deep again.

 

As if he'd realized how much his response encouraged me, he went perfectly still.  I continued to move my lips over him, pleasuring him thoroughly, but he didn't show any signs of enjoyment again.  Still, there was nothing he could do to prevent his body from reaching its peak.  His cock began to pulse and I knew he was close.  I shifted my hand down between his legs to press against him as he came.

 

The cry torn from his throat sounded almost like a sob, and when I swallowed and looked up, he had his arm thrown across his eyes.  His shoulders were shaking.  I slid back up beside him and pulled him close.  When I moved his hand away, I could see his lashes were spiky with moisture.

 

“What's wrong?” I asked, shocked to find him so upset.  Hadn't I just given him pleasure?  Why should that make him cry?  He shook his head, unable to speak for a moment.  “Cain.”  I smoothed his hair off his forehead and kissed him softly.  He leaned into my embrace for a moment, then wrenched himself back.

 

“Just do it,” he said hoarsely.  I couldn't understand why he was acting that way.  I was doing everything I could to be considerate of him.  I'd even thought, when he'd tucked his face against my chest, that he might have felt some small affection towards me.  But it was obvious that his 'just do it' request had nothing to do with eagerness.  Did he really think it would be that bad?

 

Perhaps he did, considering the way I'd introduced him to this type of sex.  It was a mistake that I would have to work carefully to correct.  But I would be so thorough, so careful, so gentle, that he wouldn't doubt me again.  I grabbed the lube from the bedside table and pulled Cain close.  He didn't protest when I hitched one of his legs up over my waist and began kissing him.  It was slightly awkward to do on my side, but I flicked open the lid of the bottle and dripped the moisture between his legs.  I didn't stop kissing him as I massaged him carefully, circling close, then backing off.  When I thought he was ready, I pressed the tip of one finger inside him.

 

His breath stuttered to a halt and I could feel his muscles twitching wildly.  Undeterred, I slowly slipped it deeper and continued kissing him.  As soon as he relaxed somewhat, I added a second finger and began moving them carefully.  He made a soft keening sound but didn't speak.  I was having a harder and harder time holding myself back and taking my time preparing him.  If I didn't move things along, I was going to lose control and make another mistake.

 

I finally broke the kiss and rolled Cain to his front.  Part of me wished I could have taken him face to face, but I knew that hands and knees would be the least likely way to cause him any pain, and I didn't want to take chances.  Once I had pillows tucked beneath him, I slicked my cock and resumed fingering him steadily.  He was tight, and my hazy memories from taking him before told me he would feel like a fucking  _ vice _ .  I needed him so much, wanted him, had to have him.  

 

I curled my fingers inside him gently, pressing upwards, then pulled them slowly out and lined my cock up to him.  My breath was coming in pants and I felt as though my heart was galloping inside my chest.  Achingly carefully, I pressed forward.  His well prepared body accepted me with little resistance, engulfing me in blissful heat.  Cain was trembling beneath me, but I knew that he wasn't in pain this time.  I waited, giving him time to adjust to the sensation before sliding deeper.  My body was singing with pleasure, sweat rolling down my back as I fought the urge to grip Cain's hips.  Bruises from my fingers had barely left his body and I'd be damned if I would put them back.  Instead, I laid my hand flat against his back and slid it up his spine, shivering at the sensation of his body gripping me.

 

I pulled back, then thrust forward.  Once.  Twice.  Half dozen times.  He felt like liquid ecstasy shot directly into my veins.   The sight of his body taking me deep, the smell of him, the feel of him clenched around me, was almost more than I could bear.  I felt my orgasm building hastily and I grit my teeth against the intensity of it.  I wanted this to last at least a little, but it was a losing battle.  There would be other times, and I would go more slowly then.  Now, it was all I could do to bury myself as deeply inside Cain as I could and let myself be dragged along in the riptide of climax.  I called his name and bucked helplessly against him, wishing he was coming with me.

 

When the aftershocks finally faded and my cock was beginning to soften, I eased myself out of Cain and collapsed on the bed beside him.  His own knees seemed to give out and he flopped gracelessly next to me.  A languid smile quirked my lips and I turned to kiss him, feeling more satisfied than I had in years.

  
  


**Cain**

 

Jaerim looked so blissful that I almost  _ did _ hate him.  How could he be so happy when I was so tied up in knots?  Did he have any idea how what he'd just done had made me feel?

 

Did I?

 

I had known that the reprieve I'd been granted from his sexual advances was temporary.  Even still, I hadn't been prepared to face the reality of it.  My fear, as he'd pulled me into the bedroom, had been palpable.  Yes, he'd promised not to hurt me.  Yes, I even believed that he didn't  _ want _ to hurt me.  But how could the act which had been so agonizing previously  _ not _ be painful?

 

Still, I almost wished he would have just pushed me down and fucked me, instead of …. _ that. _  I flushed with shame as I recalled the way my body had reacted to his insistent touch.  I'd come in his mouth, as if I enjoyed what he did to me, as if I wanted it. 

 

It was a selfless act, and I knew that he did it because he wanted to give me pleasure, but I felt even more violated from that than from what he'd done after.  It was just like when he'd asked me my favorite restaurant the day before.  When I hadn't wanted to tell him, he went over my head to find out anyway.  I was allowed to keep nothing back for myself.  If I didn't give it to him, he would simply take it.  The fact that they were things that were intended to give me pleasure did not detract from the fact that he'd stripped me of even the most basic autonomy.  I could not control his knowledge of my taste, and I could not control my body's response to him.

 

I felt helpless, hopeless, utterly empty.

 

When he'd held me after, I'd once more given in to the need for comfort and clung to him.  It had been even harder than the last time to push him away.  It frightened me that I might become dependent upon him for comfort when he was the one causing me to need it.  Angry at him, at myself, I had urged him to complete an act that I in no way wanted, just so that I could be left in peace with the tatters of my sense of self.

 

True to his word, it hadn't hurt.  He'd been as tender as a lover, and twice as cautious until the end.  I'd wondered, as I tried to divorce my mind and my body, how I would have felt about this if my first experience hadn't been force.  Logically, I could see how it could be pleasurable.  In a loving relationship, it would be overwhelming, empowering, heartwarming, to be so connected to one's partner.  Someday I might have found the right person, and it all could have been different.  But what was the point of such thoughts?  If Jaerim was to be believed – and I was beginning to trust that he was a man of his word – I would never have the chance to find a lover.  It would only be him.

 

Part of me, a treacherous, weak willed part of me, wondered if it wouldn't be better to simply accept him.  To take what pleasure I could from what he did to me and learn to be happy with my lot.  I wasn't the sort to wallow in misery.  The fact that I still had life was a blessing.  Each day was a gift.  Wouldn't it be better to find what joy I could in the situation I found myself in?  It would be easy to focus on the good in Jaerim.  Truly, there was so much of it.  If I could only overlook a few things...

 

But no.  They weren't small flaws that could be forgotten.  I was being held against my will.  Despite the good in him, I couldn't bear what he was doing as acceptable.  I was not an object.  I deserved basic respect as a human being with thoughts and feelings.  I would not allow myself to be swallowed up by this situation and emerge a shell of myself, emotionally beholden to my owner.

 

So what was I supposed to do?  My sense of duty prevented me from actively trying to escape, and my sense of self worth wouldn't allow me to give into my circumstances.

 

The only thing that I  _ could _ change with a clear conscience was... Jaerim.

 

He rolled to his side and kissed me on the forehead, then pulled me close.  In all my chaotic thoughts, it felt so good to be held, but I refused to allow myself to take comfort in the embrace.  If he wouldn't do these terrible things to me, I wouldn't need comforted.  He could not be both tormentor and savior.  He would have to pick one, and I could only hope he would make the right decision.

 

I fell asleep feeling the steady rhythm of his heart against my back and wondering what I would do if my plan actually succeeded.

 

The next morning I woke up wrapped tightly in Jaerim's arms.  I let alertness return to me slowly, each sense swimming to the surface until I was fully awake.  I felt... strange.  The sensation of being held was pleasant, especially since it wasn't a desperate need for solace after being emotionally ravaged.  It was just the experience of being close to another being, touched intimately for no purpose but the want to do so.  Because of that, I allowed myself two minutes to enjoy it.  Then three.  If circumstances had been different, I could have wasted an entire day lying there, absorbing the weight and heat of another person so close, feeling the slow breaths blown out against the back of my neck.  I could even have allowed my heart to flutter when he muttered my name in his sleep and nuzzled against me.

 

But these weren't other circumstances.  And I could not delude myself that they were.  I tried to shift myself away, but was held fast.  The situation wasn't as bad as before, but I still needed the bathroom, and Jaerim had told me to wake him if I couldn't get up on my own.  “Jaerim.”  It came out as little more than a hoarse whisper.  I cleared my throat and tried again.  “Jaerim.”   

 

“Mm.”  He tightened his arms around me and kissed my shoulder absently.

 

“Jaerim, wake up.”

 

“Mmhmm.”  Another nuzzle.  Really, it would be incredibly sweet if not for-

 

“I need to get up, Jaerim.”

 

“Wha?”  His head popped up and his eyes blinked open, sleep still hazing them.  “You okay?”  The concern on his face tore through me.  He didn't have the right to look at me like that...

 

“You're holding me so tightly that I can't get up.”

 

“Oh.”  He let me go and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm.  “Sorry.”   I slipped from the bed and grabbed the robe hanging on the newel post, then padded to the bathroom.  A few minutes later, I came back to find him up and dressing.  He paused buttoning up his shirt when he saw me.  “Come here.”  He held his arms out, and I went to him, telling myself that he would only come get me if I didn't.  It wasn't just blind obedience.  He framed my face with his hands and searched my eyes.  “Are you alright?”

 

“Physically, yes,” I answered, trying to be as honest with him as possible.  Both relief and regret seemed to war on his face, and he pulled me into a tight hug.

 

“Thank you for last night,” he whispered, kissing my hair.  I said nothing.  What _could_ I say?  I hadn't actually consented to what he'd done, so I couldn't say, 'you're welcome.'   He _wasn't_ welcome.  He was expressing gratitude as if I'd willingly given him something instead of him taking it away from me.  And yet, his gratitude was so sincere that I couldn't simply berate him for it or believe he was being disingenuous.

 

Only awake for ten minutes and I already felt emotionally wrung out.  I suddenly wanted nothing more than to go back to bed and hide under the covers.

 

Still, I had a plan to get started on.  I wouldn't let my own turmoil deter me.  Stepping back a little, I put some space between us and tried to make the expression on my face bland.

 

“Will you be back for dinner tonight?”

 

“I-”  He looked down at me, puzzled, but clearly pleased as well.  “I believe so.  There isn't anything that should keep me late.”

 

“What exactly do you do?  I mean, I've heard rumors, but I doubt you run an international crime syndicate.”

 

His face grew so serious, so quickly, that for a moment I feared I'd hit the nail on the head.  What would I do if that was  _ true _ ?  But then he shook his head and the corner of his mouth quirked up.  “I run a business organization.  It manages real estate, restaurants, and a slew of other, smaller businesses across three continents.  There's some loaning, some investing, some constructing.  My organization buys businesses and rebuilds them from the ground up to turn them profitable.”

 

I blinked at him, totally shocked by his answer.  “That all sounds so... legitimate.”  He smirked.

 

“It  _ is _ .”

 

“I thought-”

 

“That I was a crime boss?”  I shrugged somewhat sheepishly.  “My father was the crime boss.  It's taken years of hard work to cut out the illegal operations and rebuild the business the way it is now.  Admittedly, some of our dealings are only just above board, and there are several legal loopholes I'm exploiting to keep certain things running smoothly, but I'm totally on the right side of the law.”

 

“So then the debt Tien owed you?”

 

“Started out as a legitimate business loan,” he finished.  “Though I did suspect that he would gamble the money away.  Of course, I can't complain about the final outcome.”

 

I swallowed, disliking him making so light of my predicament.  I could believe that Tien had taken a loan from Jaerim, especially if he ran a clean business.  But that didn't mean I was willing to believe that my cousin had sold me – literally – to pay that debt.  He had other debts.  Surely not all of his lenders were above criminal activity to get their money back.  One of them had to have orchestrated the whole thing.

 

“I'll make us breakfast,” I said, ready to change the subject.  Jaerim finished buttoning up his shirt and then checked his watch.

 

“I would love to stay and eat with you,  _ detka _ , but I'll be late for my first meeting if I don't go now.”  He looked back up at me, and whatever he saw on my face made him pause.  “Fuck, I'll just cancel it.  I just need to call Ryou-”

 

“No, it's fine.  You said you'd be back for dinner.  We can eat together then.”

 

“You're right.”  He sighed, clearly reluctant, then shrugged on his suit jacket.  “I'll see you this evening.  Don't forget to call downstairs if you want any food delivered.  And I'm only a phone call away if you need anything.”   He strode to the foyer and I followed.  “Have a good day.”  At the door, he turned and kissed my forehead.  “I'll miss you.”

 

He paused, as if waiting for me to say something back.  Despite how uncomfortable it made me to leave those statements hanging, I couldn't bring myself to parrot them back meaninglessly.  After a moment, he entered the elevator code and left.

 

I sighed heavily and sank down to my haunches, dropping my head into my hands.  I felt like a housewife who'd just seen her husband off to work.  So sickeningly domestic.  We weren't married. We weren't even lovers except in the most physical sense of the word.  But Jaerim seemed to want to treat this situation as if we had both entered into it willingly.  As if we were both happy.  No matter how kind he was to me, I wasn't happy like this and I couldn't ever be.

 

When I felt myself collected enough to move, I took a shower, dressed for the day – again in Jaerim's too-large clothes because I refused to ask him to buy me my own – and went to the library.  Instead of picking up a novel as I had the previous days, I found the section of psychology books again.  If I was going to get to know Jaerim and try to change him, what better place to start than with the issues he recognized that he had already?

 

I spent the rest of the day immersed in psychological disorders, their causes, symptoms, and treatments.  It was no surprise to me that Jaerim had an anger problem, but I was still shocked to read that what he had sounded like Intermittent Explosive Disorder.  As I learned more, my stomach clenched.   _ People who grow up in homes in which they were subjected to harsh physical punishments and abuse are more likely to develop IED. _  Despite my resentment of what Jaerim had put me through, I didn't want to think of him as an abused little boy.  No child deserved that kind of upbringing.

 

By the late afternoon, I felt as if I had at least a basic grasp on the issues that Jaerim had, and how best to handle them.  Unfortunately, that also meant that I had a strong sense of empathy for him.  His life couldn't have been an easy one.  He'd grown up in a world of crime, and yet when it had been his turn to take over, he'd turned the organization legitimate.  That couldn't have been a simple task.  It spoke volumes about the man he'd become, despite the obstacles he'd faced.

 

There was a soft thud in the hall followed by footsteps just as I finished making dinner.  Jaerim could move in total silence, and that seemed to be his natural inclination, so I knew he was making noise for  _ me _ .  So he didn't startle me like before.  Gratitude warmed my chest and then was twisted up by resentment.  I didn't need to be here.  He could walk as quietly as he pleased if I wasn't his captive.  Still, I didn't want to start our evening with bitterness coloring my thoughts, so I cleared my mind and tried to focus on plating our meal.

 

Jaerim came up behind me and kissed the top of my head.  “Smells good.”  He took the plates from my hands and set them on the table, then poured drinks.

 

“Thanks.  How was your day?”

 

“Good.”  He flashed me a grin and settled back in his chair.  “We took over a bank today.”

 

“That sounds big.”

 

“It is!  Having control of a financial institution opens up a whole world of possibilities.  There are regulations on far more aspects than I'd like, but there are so many things we will be able to do now that we couldn't before.  Just having one is an asset.  But now we can start to acquire more, and-” he stopped suddenly, looking almost embarrassed.  “I'm sure this is boring to you.”

 

“Not at all.  I don't understand some of what you mean, but it's certainly interesting.”  I smiled a little at him, honestly meaning it.  “Tell me more.”  His grin returned and he spent the rest of our meal talking about the changes his organization could make now that they'd made this acquisition.  When the dishes were cleared away, we moved to the living room.  Jaerim started to pick up the book I'd been reading to him, but I sat in the chair opposite the sofa and once more drew him into conversation.

 

“You said you took over the business from your father.  Did you work with him before that?”

 

His expression darkened, and I worried that I'd touched on a subject best left alone.  “Yes, but not in any way like what I do now.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I was a thug, Cain.”  His fists clenched.  “Too stupid to handle any real tasks, but strong enough to break a few limbs, despite what he called my 'sissy ways.'  I hurt people when they displeased him.  Sometimes even people I liked.”

 

I stared at him in shock, trying to comprehend that.  There was so much pain in those few sentences that I was unable to say anything at first.  Jaerim watched me, studying my reactions to his revelation.  He seemed almost nervous, but trying to look as if he didn't care.

 

“I'm sorry your father put you through that, Jaerim.  He was obviously mistaken about your intelligence, or you wouldn't be able to run the organization now, and the fact that he made such hurtful remarks about your masculinity seems terribly cruel coming from a man who was supposed to love you.  You can't have had an easy childhood.”

 

He said nothing for a long time, continuing to watch me.  “I could say the same about you.”

 

“Me?”  My brows raised.  “My childhood was nothing like that.  While they were alive, my parents were wonderful, loving people.  Their loss was a terrible blow, but the people at the commune treated me well enough.  I was fed, clothed, given a decent education and allowed to form my own religious and moral beliefs.”

 

“But they were a poor substitute for caring parents,” Jaerim added.  I wondered just how much he'd managed to uncover about the commune.  They were very private, and little information was available to outsiders, even for a price.

 

“They were.... adequate.  I don't have any complaints.”

 

“And yet you longed for family so desperately that you latched onto your cousin and allowed him to use you.”

 

“Jaerim!”  My temper flared as he again maligned my cousin.  “Yes, Tien is the only family I've got.  Maybe I did 'latch onto' him, but if anything,  _ I've _ used  _ him. _  I was totally adrift before I found him.  I had no experience in the outside world, no job, no home, nothing but a trust fund from my parents that I had no idea how to manage.  And he took me in!  All he asked was that I work at the restaurant.  For that, he fed me, taught me, helped me get into college, everything.  I owe him  _ everything _ .”

 

“You owe him  _ nothing! _ ” Jaerim hissed, surging to his feet and leaning over me in the chair.  He braced his hands on the armrests, caging me in.  Fear prickled along my scalp.  “Tien knew you were orphaned when your parents died, but chose to let you be sent to that commune because he didn't  _ want _ you.  The only reason he took you in later was because you signed over that trust fund to him.  He pissed away every last dime that your parents left you, worked you like a dog, and then wanted you to be grateful for it!”  He leaned closer, and I could see my face reflected in his eyes, my own wide and unblinking.  “And even after he sold you to the highest fucking bidder, you still fucking  _ defend him! _ ”

 

“Stop it,” I whispered, forcing myself not to cringe away from him.  He was shaking with rage, but I wasn't going to let myself be bullied by him.  He would control himself and stop, or he would hit me.  Either way, I wasn't a doormat for him to stomp on when the mood took him.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I said stop it!”  I splayed my hand against his chest and pushed.  Not hard enough to topple him back - as if I could, even if that was my intention – but enough that he moved.  I rose from the chair so we were on equal footing.  “I don't believe that Tien ever meant to use me or hurt me.  And if he did, then that's my business.  You think screaming at me is going to make your point?  Is going to convince me?  Why don't you start by looking at your own actions first.  You've hurt me more in the last four days than Tien did in the last four  _ years _ .  Even if what you say is true, if he only took me in because of the money, he's still better than you.  Tien never locked me up, never left me bruised and bleeding.  I still had a  _ life _ .  You've denied me all of that.”

 

I turned to walk away but Jaerim gripped my arm.  “You might own me.  And if what you want is to pin me down and fuck me right now, I'll keep my promise and not fight you.  But I'm still a human being, Jaerim.  I don't deserve to be treated like this.  I know you're better than this.”  I looked down at where his hand was wrapped tightly around my bicep.  “Let go,” I demanded firmly.  It was a gamble.  He pulled me closer for half a heart beat, dark eyes boring into me, then released my arm.  I went to the bedroom and prayed I would have a few minutes to compose myself before he followed.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I stood rooted to the floor, unable to do anything but watch Cain walk away.  It felt like if I moved even a muscle, I would fly into a million jagged little pieces.  His harsh words were echoing around my head like gunfire.  Was I really so terrible?  Yes, I'd made a mistake that first day.  I'd lost my temper and hurt him.  I knew that forcing him to stay was wrong, but I couldn't bear letting him go.  Was that really worse than what his cousin had done?

 

I sank down to my knees, no longer able to hold myself upright.  My head fell forward and I clutched it in my hands, afraid it would break apart from the pressure within.   I wasn't worse than Tien.  I  _ cared _ about Cain.  I did everything good that Tien had and more.

 

But as I looked around the room, I realized that wasn't exactly true.  Cain was wearing  _ my _ clothes, having to use my toiletries and belongings because he didn't have any of his own.  Yes, I'd offered to buy him anything he wanted, but when he hadn't asked for anything, I'd left the issue alone.  He was wholly dependent on me, and I hadn't even given him fucking shoes.  

 

There had been other things, too, that Tien had done.  The college classes had obviously been important to Cain.  I hadn't cared enough to find out what they were, let alone find a way for him to continue them.  And despite the fact that he hadn't been paid even a fraction of what he should have been, Tien had provided Cain with an honest job that he could earn money with.  I didn't want Cain to work.  Because I wanted him indebted to me forever.  Bound to me forever.

 

I really was worse than his cousin.  How could I have been so blind?  I thought that aside from that first night, my biggest sin was rushing him.  We would be good together, if only he would give it a chance.  I thought that keeping him by my side was just forcing him to see that.  But there were so many other things I was denying him so that I could selfishly satisfy my own needs.

 

Something needed to change.   _ I know you're better than this _ .  Of all people in the world, he was the one who had the right to expect the worst from me.  To think the least of me.  And still, he thought I could be better.

 

I wouldn't disappoint him.

 

There were several things I could do that would start to rectify the situation.  Letting him go was the one thing that I couldn't do, but that didn't mean that I wouldn't ensure his every need was met beyond that.  Despite the hour, I called Ryou to have him start gathering contact information of the people I needed to speak with.

 

Four hours later I'd arranged everything as far as it could be until morning.  Satisfied with my efforts, I went to the bedroom.  Inside, I found that Cain had fallen asleep already.  He was still wearing my ill fitting pajamas, with the blankets drawn up high.  If I was any sort of decent person I would have let him sleep.  But I'd never denied being a bastard.  And I wanted to  _ show _ him that I was sorry for the way I'd yelled at him earlier, for the way I'd treated him the last few days.  I knew of no better way to do that than with my body.

 

I stripped off my clothes and climbed on the bed, gently drawing the blankets off Cain.  He stirred a little, but didn't open his eyes.  One by one, I unfastened the buttons of the night shirt until it fell open.  I kissed his chest, tasting his warm skin and memorizing every line of his body with my lips.  As I laved one nipple, his eyes fluttered open.  “Jaerim?”  His hands came up to my head, but paused, as if he didn't know whether to pull me closer or push me away.

 

“I need you,” I whispered, climbing back up his body until I could kiss his lips.  He looked up at me, eyes searching mine by the pale light of the moon.  Slowly, he nodded.  I lowered my lips to his again and kissed him languidly.  This wasn't about me.  It wasn't about a mad rush to orgasm.  I wanted to worship his body.  To make it sing with sensation.  I wanted him to writhe beneath me, calling my name in pleasure.

 

I moved over him, kissing every inch of his skin, working my way from his face to his chest, down each arm, kissing his hands, the tips of fingers.  When I moved onto his stomach and traced my tongue around his navel, his hands rose and clutched my shoulders.  I kissed my way to each hip bone, then down his thighs.  Despite the fact that his cock was already twitching with interest, I avoided it and continued along his legs.  I stopped to pay attention to the back of his knees, then his ankles, massaging his calves.  I kissed the top of his foot and ran my thumb up his instep.  He gasped.  I increased the pressure, rubbing from his heel up to the balls of his feet, then each toe individually.

 

He had his head back against the pillows, eyes closed, and I waited until he opened them before moving up his body and settling my chest between his legs.  I made my intention clear, trailing my lips slowly but steadily towards his groin.  Our eyes were locked when I licked up the length of him and then began to suck.

 

I waited until he was fully hard before shifting to the side to get the lubricant from the bedside table.  Stroking him so that he stayed up, I drizzled the cool liquid over both of our cocks and the tossed the bottle aside.  Slowly, carefully, I worked one slick finger inside him.  He squirmed under me, still unused to the sensation.  When I curled my finger upwards and pressed against his prostate, he let out a garbled cry and his hands gripped my arm.  His wide eyes flew to mine.  I chuckled softly and stroked him internally the same time I stroked him externally.  His body bowed off the bed.

 

Satisfaction streaked through me and I wanted to bellow it to the night sky.  I could bring him pleasure, I could give him release, I could make him fall apart beneath my fingertips.  While he gasped and moaned, I worked a second finger inside of him and began to get him ready for my cock.  I was nearly wild with my desire, but determined to wring every drop of pleasure from him before I had my own.  Over and over I stroked the sweet spot inside of him, allowing him to adjust to the intensity of the pleasure, getting him used to the pressure.  His stomach muscles began to clench and his breathing quickened.

 

I slid my hand away and eased my cock into him.  He was wound so tightly that I had to wait until his body had stopped gripping me before I could begin to move.  I wrapped my fingers around his throbbing length and canted my hips forward and up.  He cried out, cock jerking in my hand.  I pulled back and thrust forward again, keeping my hips moving in time with my hand.  Over and over I slid into him, stimulating him as much as I possibly could.  His stomach muscles began to tighten once more, bunching and flexing beneath his skin as his body hurdled towards release.

 

“Please,” I heard him whisper hoarsely.  Desire surged through me and I knew I was only moments away from coming. I sped up, pounding into him while gripping his cock.  His hand flew up to splay against my chest.  The touch set me on fire.  “Please,” he begged again.  I moaned, helpless to deny him at that moment.  I buried myself deep, the tip of me pressing hard against his prostate and stroking his cock faster at the same time.  “Ple-” he was cut off with a muffled cry as he bit his lip and came spectacularly.  Streaks of white arched up over his chest and landed against his flushed skin like an abstract painting.  I came hard, calling his name and emptying myself as deep inside of him as I could.

 

Carefully, I disentangled our bodies and then collapsed bonelessly on the bed beside him.  My breathing slowly returned to normal and my heart stopped pounding wildly.  I was incredibly satiated and wanted nothing more than to drift to sleep with Cain safely in my arms.  With a smile curling my lips, I rolled to my side and reached out to pull him against me.

 

His shoulders were shaking.  Fear clawed at my gut.  Had I somehow hurt him?  I'd been so careful, but maybe I'd lost control somewhere along the way, hadn't noticed-

 

“Cain?”  I leaned over him on my elbow.  He turned his face away, but I gently urged him back.  His eyes were wet, and I could see bloody furrows where he'd bit his lip.  “Jesus!  Did I hurt you?  What's wrong?”  He closed his eyes and tried to turn away again.  “Cain you're scaring me.  Are you hurt?  I'm sorry, I don't know what happened-”

 

“Why are you doing this to me?” he asked brokenly.  My heart skipped a beat.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“This,” he spat in disgust, his voice thick with emotion.  He ran his fingers through the evidence of his release still streaked across his chest.

 

“You know why.  I want you-”

 

“That's not what I'm talking about.  You're going to fuck me, fine, there's nothing I can do to stop you.  But why are you forcing me to... to...”  He gestured down to his chest again.

 

“Enjoy it?  I want to give you pleasure.  I told you I could make it good for you.  Make you like it.”

 

“And you've proven your point.  You can make me do even that.  Haven't you humiliated me enough?  Are you really going to do this to me every time, just to prove how much you own me, no matter how much I beg you to stop?”

 

A dull roar started in my ears and spread until I couldn't hear anything but the sound of my own blood rushing through my head.   _ Please _ .  I thought he'd been urging me on, desperate for more.   _ Please. _  That he'd wanted me to make him come.   _ Ple- _  But he'd been begging me to stop.

 

And I'd just kept going.

 

I felt sick.  I felt guilty.  I felt angry.  The anger began to override every other emotion until I was consumed with it.  I wanted to lash out, to  _ hurt _ -

 

I looked down and realized that my hand was fisted in Cain's hair.  I'd yanked his head up, exposing the line of his neck.  Startled that I hadn't even felt myself grabbing him, I slowly released him and tried to push the anger back down.  “I didn't realize that you were so opposed to orgasming when we fuck,” I finally managed to say, watching his throat work as he swallowed instead of meeting his eyes.

 

“I don't have a choice about having sex with you.  I want to have a choice about whether I get off.”

 

“So you'd rather not enjoy what we do together in bed?”  The anger edged upwards and I pushed it back again.

 

“I'd rather not enjoy what you force me to do,” he snapped.

 

“What I force you to do,” I repeated, frustrated beyond belief.  Just when I thought I was making progress with him, he pushed me away.  “And if I wasn't forcing you?  Would you ever accept me?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then it's a good thing for both our sakes that I  _ am _ forcing you,” I seethed.  “Because like it or not, you  _ do _ enjoy when I fuck you.  You  _ want _ me.  But you can have it your way.  I won't touch your cock.  I won't make you come.  Not until you  _ beg _ me for it.” 

 

“That'll never happen,” he swore.  I smirked at him, ice running through my veins.  He'd started a battle he couldn't win.  And he was going to learn that I was no one to trifle with.

 

“We'll see.  Go clean yourself up.”  I turned away from him dismissively.  A moment later, the shower came on.  Ten minutes after that, the bed dipped as he climbed into it.  I didn't roll back over to face him.  For the first time since he arrived, I fell asleep without him in my arms.

  
  


**Cain**

 

Jaerim hadn't been holding me when I fell asleep, but he was wrapped tightly around me the next morning.  He woke up a few minutes after me and released me without a word.  He didn't speak to me as he dressed or as he gathered his papers for the day.  It wasn't until he was about to step onto the elevator to leave that he finally spoke.

 

“Several packages will be sent up today.  I suggest you open them when they arrive.  Ryou, my second in command, has been added to the phone's call list.  If you have any questions, contact him.  I won't be home till late.”  Then he was gone.

 

I tried not to over think why my heart had felt heavy at his coldness.  The domestic peace that we'd gone through the motions of the day before was just an act.  I didn't care about him, and obviously he didn't give a damn about me.  He was just a sadist, twisted, cold and cruel.  The things that he'd done in the past that seemed kind were obviously just to build up my trust in him so it would be all the more painful when he crushed it.  

 

All through the morning, I held onto my anger.  Any time a sliver of empathy or understanding tried to creep into my mind, I shut it out.  No, he hadn't hurt me physically again, but that was because he was toying with me emotionally now.  Yes, he had offered to provide for me anything I wanted, but that was probably only so he could hold it over me later, despite what he said.  All his kind words and gentle touches had only been a smoke screen.  He hated me, for whatever reason, and wanted me to suffer.

 

I barely touched my lunch, as anger had soured my stomach.  Never before had I held onto it for so long.  But I was determined.  My plan from the day before was a waste.  A bad person couldn't be changed, and Jaerim Black was a bad person.  There was no sense in asking a leopard to change its spots.

 

The elevator dinged and the doors opened.  I surged to my feet from the couch, prepared to confront Jaerim again, but the elevator was empty.  Or looked empty, at first.  Several boxes were piled inside.  I recalled earlier that Jaerim had said there would be packages arriving.   It was tempting to leave the damn boxes were they were and let the elevator take them back down, but I ended up hauling them out.  They were likely groceries or maybe even something for Jaerim's work-

 

I stopped short as I opened the first box.  It was full of toiletries.  The kinds that I used.  My type of shampoo, my brand of toothpaste, my razor.  If not for the packaging, I might have thought he'd gone to my house and plucked them from my bathroom.  

 

The next boxes contained clothes.  There were suits, casual clothes, pajamas, shoes, all in my size.  Everything fit perfect, right down to the pants and socks.  Another box had a pillow the same brand as the one I used at home.  Yet another box had photo albums inside.  The ones I had of my parents, and the ones I'd filled since moving to the city.  Those he  _ had _ to have taken from my house. 

 

Despite the fact that I hadn't asked for any of it, he'd provided everything for me.  The clutch of anger around my chest eased.  No, Jaerim wasn't all bad.  He could be nearly vicious with me when his temper flared, but he truly did want me to be happy.  I'd known that all along, I just hadn't wanted to believe it.  It was easier to label him the _bad_ _guy_ , to fit him neatly into that role.  But he was far more complex than that.  He was made up of good traits and bad ones, flaws and virtues stitched together with good intentions.  I hugged the pillow to my chest and tried to settle my mind again.  I was back to square one.

 

The elevator opened again, and this time I really did think it was empty.  But on the tiny table in the corner, there was a manila envelope that was thick with papers.  My name was printed on the outside in clean lettering.  I opened it cautiously, not sure what to expect.  The first page was the cover sheet for the college I'd been attending.  The ones that followed were a course list, several web sites, and a list of textbooks.  I flipped through the rest of the papers, almost afraid to believe it.

 

He'd signed me up for online courses.  I'd said he'd taken away my schooling, and now he was giving it back.  It wasn't the same, I wouldn't physically be in the classroom, but it was more than I'd ever expected.  Online courses from the university weren't cheap, but I knew if I said anything about the cost of it, he would brush it off.

 

The money didn't matter to him.  I did.

 

I almost called him.  My heart had been so full of spite the whole morning that what I wanted was to hear his voice, to apologize for the ugly things I'd thought about him, to thank him for what he'd done.  But I forced myself not to.  I was already dangerously close to romanticizing him.  Even as naive as I was, I knew what Stockholm Syndrome did to people.  I needed to establish my lines again before they grew any more dangerously blurred.  

 

Instead of calling Jaerim, I pressed two and waited for an answer.  A smooth voice greeted me on the first ring.  “Hello, Mr Lisse, what can I do for you?”

 

“I, uh, hello.  Jaerim said for me to call you, about the packages.”

 

“They arrived right on time, then.  I trust everything was to your approval?  Jaerim was very specific about what he ordered.”

 

“Y-yes.  It's all fine.”

 

“And you've seen the papers about your schooling as well?”

 

“Yes.  I'm really going to take correspondent courses?”

 

“If you so desire,” he said easily.  “If you've changed your mind about college, I'm sure-”

 

“No!  I want to!  I just wasn't sure... I mean, the internet here isn't exactly set up for this kind of thing.”

 

“Ah, yes.  I believe you'll find that the restrictions have been altered significantly.  You should have no problem navigating to all the necessary pages for your classes.  Your books haven't arrived yet, but I expect them within the hour.  I'll have them sent over to you as soon as they come.”

 

“Thanks.  Thank you.”

 

“No thanks are required.  Jaerim was the one who set everything up.”

 

“Of course.  And I assume he is also paying for everything.”

 

“You should know that Jaerim has set out to provide for you everything you could need in any eventuality.  This is only one small part of that.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What I mean is that he cares for you.  This is his way of showing it.”

 

“I- I know.  But that doesn't mean I  can just...” I trailed off, not sure how to articulate my need to retain some sense of self.

 

“Mr Lisse, you should know that I am... aware of your unique relationship with Jaerim.  I realize that this cannot have been easy on you.  But whatever else you think of him, you must know that Jaerim is a good man.  His life has not been easy, but he has done extraordinary things.  When you met him four years ago, he was at the lowest he'd ever been.  He credits you with saving his life.”

 

“Four years ago?”  I blinked, not certain I'd heard him right.  “I met Jaerim last week.  I haven't saved him from anything.”

 

“He said you didn't remember, but I just assumed you were lying for some reason. Do you really not remember?  He told me you'd been drinking.  One drink and yet you were drunk.  You found him in an alley.”

 

I thought back, trying to recall a time when-  And there it was.  The memory was hazy, as if I was watching it through frosted glass.  Tien taking me out a few months after I'd moved in with him.  He had pushed me so much that I finally agreed to have a drink. I began to feel light headed almost as soon as it was finished.  He'd been angry that I got tipsy so fast, and he and his friends had left.  I'd staggered outside, lost and curiously unconcerned about that fact.  Out of the darkness I'd seen someone.  A man, lying in the snow.  I couldn't remember much of what we'd said, but I'd helped him up, wrapped my scarf around his neck... and he'd kissed me.

 

Suddenly, the dreams I'd had about Jaerim kissing me made perfect sense.  They'd been  _ memories. _  He'd kissed me, given me directions home, sent me on my way.  Tien had yelled at me for wandering off, despite the fact that he'd been the one to desert me, but I hadn't cared.  My lips had still been warm and tingly from the kiss.  My first kiss.  I fell asleep that night thinking of the way his body had pressed against mine, how much I'd wanted to feel more of him.

 

And the next morning I'd woken up and not had any memory of it at all.

 

“Mr Lisse?”

 

“Cain,” I corrected automatically, still confounded by what I'd just discovered.

 

“Cain,” Ryou amended.  “Do you remember it now, then?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So perhaps you understand a little more why he felt so strongly about you from the start.  Without that memory, he was just a stranger to you.  But to him, you were the man who'd saved his life.  He thought of you as he took his father's place as head of the company, as he worked to build his empire and reputation.”

 

“But I didn't save his life.  He'd said he wasn't really hurt... all I did was... well-”

 

“You did enough.  Without you, he wouldn't be alive today.  You've been influencing his every move for four years.”

 

“We only met the one time.”

 

“And that one time was enough to change the course of his life.  You'll find that rarely does he let something go once he latches onto it.  He is tenacious in the extreme.”

 

“Obsessive.”

 

“Perhaps, to a degree.  With you more than anything else.”

 

“I'm not sure what to think of that.”

 

“Think of it whatever you like.  But remember this.  If Jaerim hadn't stepped in when he did, you'd be dead or wishing dearly that you were.  When the only person you had in the world forsook you, he was there to save you.  Whatever mistakes he's made, however difficult of a situation you find yourself in with him, he has your safety and well-being foremost in his mind.  He is not perfect.  No one knows that better than I.  But if you can look past his damaged psyche, you will find that not another living soul is capable of caring for you better than he.”

 

I didn't know what to say.  He was right about so much of it that it was easy to assume he was right about that last statements as well.  What further proof did I need than the papers still in my hands?

 

_ If he really cared about you, he would let you go _ , I heard whispered in my mind.  I didn't disagree.  But for the first time I began to wonder if he was capable of that.  His psyche was indeed damaged as Ryou had said.  If he thought I'd saved his life that night and then spent years obsessing about me, I doubted that he could be rational at all when it came to me.  It was terrifying, but it also clarified so much.  He was caring for me the best way he knew how.

 

“I have to go, but feel free to call me if you have any other questions about your schooling, Cain.  I'll give you any help I can provide.”  The impassioned man who'd spoken so eloquently about Jaerim was gone and the cool business man was back.

 

“Thank you,” I answered reflexively.  I hung up the phone and sat heavily on the couch, not sure where to even start thinking.  It was too much, far too much to take in all at once.  Jaerim was so deeply flawed, damaged in ways that I wasn't sure could ever be fixed.  Despite his ethics about business, it was clear the his moral compass was skewed when it came to me.  The combination of those things was incredibly dangerous.  It was the fabric stalkers and killers were cut from.  But Jaerim hadn't stalked me.  Until my life was in danger, he hadn't tried to contact me at all.  And after that first day, he hadn't harmed me, even when I'd opposed him.

 

The lines continued to blur.

 

I couldn't think about it any more.  I was confused and exhausted.  Though the prospect of getting started on my classes again excited me, I suddenly didn't feel up to handling them just yet.  After a light meal, I laid in a hot bath and tried to empty my mind of its whirling thoughts.

 

I lost track of time and drifted off.  When I opened my eyes again, it was dark but I could see a figure standing next to me.  Jaerim stared down at me, his face carefully blank.  Not knowing what to say, I rose and pulled the stopper for the bath.  As I stepped out, I heard his breath catch.  He reached out and ran his hand up the length of my wet, naked back.  When I didn't pull away, his other hand joined the first, stroking along my skin.  Then suddenly he pressed fully against me, uncaring that his clothes were getting damp.  I could feel his erection, thick and heavy, against my back.

 

His hands slid to my hips, but didn't go any further than that.  “I won't touch you there,” he murmured.  “I'll keep my promise.”  Then he unfastened his trousers and shoved them out of the way.  His lips pressed against the back of my neck and he urged me forward slightly until I was bent over the sink.  He fumbled for something in one of the drawers, and then suddenly a slick finger was pressed inside of me.  My cock twitched but I closed my eyes against the sensation.  

 

More quickly than usual, his fingers were replaced by the blunt head of his cock.  His intrusion wasn't painful, but the lack of preparation made it all the more intense.  There was no part of me that didn't feel engulfed by him.  The areas where we were actually touching were so small, and yet I felt as though he was overwhelming me, stealing my coherent thought and robbing me of all my senses but touch.

 

He thrust into me, slowly at first as I adjusted to him, then more quickly.  His hands gripped my hips to hold them steady as he drove inside me again and again.  Though he wasn't seeking it purposely, his cock erratically brushed that spot that made my pulse race and my knees weak.  Pleasure spiked inside me.  Still, he hadn't once touched my cock.  My body wanted to arch back against him, to seek any kind of relief I could, but I held myself rigidly in check.  His breathing hitched and grew ragged.  I could feel him harden even further inside of me, then he lunged one last time and stilled.  He held me tightly as he came, his body shuddering with pleasure.

 

Slowly, he eased himself back and kissed my shoulder.  Our eyes met in the mirror.  He knew I was hard.  It was reflected back at both of us, flushed red and twitching with want.  A drop of moisture beaded on the tip, then fell to the marble counter.  He could have goaded me.  He could have asked me to beg him.  But Jaerim said nothing.  His hands slid away from me and he left me alone in the bathroom to clean up.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

Cain walked naked from the bathroom to the bed, then got in beside me.  With no prodding, he turned on his side and pressed back against me.  My stomach fluttered.  But despite my happiness at his show of... trust?  affection? I was still unsettled by what we'd just done.

 

It hadn't been anything like what I'd done to him that first night.  And yet I was uncomfortable with sex that way.  I'd respected his wishes.  That should have made me feel good, instead of hollow.  But leaving him unfulfilled like that, still hard and aching while I got release, was difficult for me.  It was obvious that despite what he thought, he did want me.

 

Knowing that made it harder to listen to his words and not his body.  I would keep my promise, though.  I wouldn't touch him or try to make him come unless he asked for it.  He was right, it was the least he deserved.  I could respect his wishes.

 

Still, I was glad that his erection had gone down while he was in the bathroom, because I wasn't sure how long my resolve would have held up if he'd gotten into bed in that state.  I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the back of his neck, then fell asleep almost immediately.

 

When I woke, Cain was already up.  I could smell breakfast cooking.  There was music playing through the radio very softly.  Tossing on a pair of pajama pants, I padded out into the kitchen to investigate.  Cain was wearing one of the pairs of pajamas I'd bought him, and alternating singing inaudibly into the spatula and using it as an air guitar.  I cleared my throat and he jumped, turning and holding the spatula behind his back like a child caught with a cookie.

 

“Good morning,” I greeted, both brows raised.  He flushed and turned back to the pancakes.

 

“Morning.”

 

“You seem especially chipper.”

 

“I have a lot to be chipper about,” he replied.

 

“Oh?”

 

“You know that I do.”  He put the last of the pancakes onto a plate and then came to stand in front of me.  Quickly, he went to his toes and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth.  “Thank you.”

 

It was my turn to blush.  He looked at me incredulously.  “You fucked me over the bathroom counter last night, yet  _ that _ makes you blush?”

 

“Oh shut up.”  I took a plate and began loading it with pancakes, not looking up at him.  “It's just that... that was the first time you've ever initiated something like that.”

 

“Oh.”  He looked surprised, as if he hadn't even realized it.  “Anyways, thank you for yesterday.  For what you bought me, for college, and for respecting my wishes.”  I reached across the table and laced his fingers through mine.

 

“You are welcome.”

  
  


**Cain**

  
  


We ate the rest of breakfast in silence, occasionally sharing small glances.  Once we were finished, Jaerim dressed for the day and gathered his things.  At the door, he paused to make sure I knew how to get a hold of Ryou if I needed any help with my courses, then kissed me deeply and left.

 

I felt the remnants of that kiss the entire day.  No matter what else I did or thought of, my mind kept coming back to the way his lips had felt on mine, the soft brush of his tongue.   _ I'm the mayor of Stockholm City _ , I thought to myself.  It was perverse, how much I longed for his touch.  I shouldn't want him in any way.  And here I was, fantasizing about him when I was supposed to be familiarizing myself with the online class forums.   What the hell was wrong with me?  The fact that he was incredibly attractive had nothing to do with it, I was sure.  Me being sexually frustrated was dismissed as well, since I'd managed just fine with virtually zero orgasms for the first twenty four years of my life.  So what did that leave?

 

Before I knew it, evening had fallen and I'd accomplished very little.  A soft thump came from the foyer and my heart lept into my throat.  He was home.

 

After we ate a quiet meal together, I asked him more about his childhood.

 

“My mother died when I was six,” he told me.  “I don't remember her well except for a few details.  She always smelled of wisteria and had freckles around her eyes.  Any time I was hurt or scared, she would hold me close and hum until it went away.”

 

“She sounds wonderful.”

 

Jaerim shrugged one shoulder.  “I remember her as wonderful, but that doesn't mean she was.  I could be embellishing the story just to protect myself from the truth that I had two parents who didn't give a shit about me.”

 

“That can't be true!”

 

“I don't think it is, but I don't think it really matters.  She's dead.”

 

I cringed at his bluntness.  “I'm sorry.  Was she sick, or was there an accident...?”

 

He laughed mirthlessly.  “Accident?  Hardly.  My father caught her in bed with a lover and shot them both.”

 

“ _ What _ ?”

 

“Of course they never technically proved that he did, but I knew.”

 

“God, please don't tell me you saw.”

 

“No, nothing like that.  I heard him bragging about it to his friends a few days later.  One of them was a cop on his payroll.  They all laughed about it.”

 

“I- I don't even know what to say.  That's so, so awful.  I can't believe you had to go through that.  I'm so sorry, Jaerim.”

 

“It was a long time ago.”

 

“Even still.”  I crossed from where I'd sat in the chair, to where he was stretched out on the couch.  He happily pulled me into his arms and handed me the book.

 

“Enough ancient history.  I want to know how our hero will react when he sees his lady fair after so many years apart.”

 

I laughed and began to read.  By the time we stopped, night had fallen.  We moved to the bedroom, stripped, and got into bed.  At first, I thought Jaerim was just going to fall asleep.  But as we lay there, I felt him stir, and harden.  He kissed me, slowly at first, then pulled away as if remembering himself.  After that, it was much the same as the previous night.  He was careful, but as quick as possible, and never touched my cock.  When he finished, I was nearly as out of breath as he was.  The desire had condensed into an ache that settled between my legs like lead.

 

Jaerim fell asleep quickly behind me, but I stayed awake long into the night, trying to ignore the increasing need for relief.

 

The next evening, I asked Jaerim about his sexuality.  With how confused I'd been over my own proclivities, it seemed like a good idea to hear his experiences.  Plus, my plan to get him to open up to me was coming together nicely.

 

“When did you first know you were gay?”

 

“Second grade.  I kissed Tommy Buchannon right on the mouth.”  He grinned at the memory.  “Of course, my father beat the shit out of me when he found out.  Even my mother was worried.  Not that it changed anything.  Or any of the beatings after that one.”

 

“He never approved?”

 

“Of course not.  Bad enough that he had a stupid son.  Having a  _ fag _ was the ultimate insult to him.”

 

“You're not stupid,” I said fiercely.  Jaerim tipped his head to the side.

 

“I never did well in school.  When I took over the organization, I had to work three times as hard as anyone else to understand what I was doing and figure out how to do things better.”

 

“So what?  They say that Einstein failed his math classes, and look at him.”

 

“That's a myth, actually.  He did very well in school.”

 

“See?  That proves my point even better.  I didn't know that, but you did.  Not to mention the fact that you run an intercontinental business organization with very little help.”

 

Jaerim chuckled.  “Very little help?  I'll have to tell Ryou that's his new nickname.  He'll get a laugh out of the irony of that.”

 

“Hell, don't tell me he's another giant like you.”

 

“He's almost as tall, but not nearly as wide.  You could say he's wiry.  Still, compared to you, he might seem like a giant.”

 

“Hey, I'm a full inch above the national average, I'll have you now.  You're just abnormally large.”

 

His brows rose mischievously.  “Is that so?”

 

“Not what I meant, you scoundrel.”  I laughed.  He descended upon me with a grin and kissed me hard.  A moment later, his arms came up around me and my whole body came to life.  I had no idea how the sexual tension had gotten so intense so quickly, but the feel of him getting hard against me was eliciting the same reaction from my own body.  I moaned before I realized what I was doing, and we both froze.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I pulled back and saw the heat in Cain's eyes.  He was already hard, and I could tell that the days of build up had gotten to him.  I wondered if I shouldn't stop, give him a break or even suggest that he let off some steam on his own before we went any further.  But selfishly, I wanted to hear him ask me to touch him.  I wanted him to  _ want _ me.

 

I switched our positions and pulled him forward until he was on my lap, straddling me.  We were both still dressed, but I could feel the heat of him even through our clothes.  I kissed him again, deep and hard, with a fervency that he seemed to match and return.  I pulled off his shirt, then my own.  Trousers took a little more juggling, but then they were gone and we were pressed skin to skin.  The feel of him was already driving me wild, and knowing that he was so worked up played havoc with my control.

 

“Shit, hold on.”  I leaned sideways until I could snatch up my jacket, pulling out the bottle from  my pocket.  Cain looked at it with both brows raised.  “Pays to be prepared,” I said with a crooked grin.  He scoffed, and I silenced him with another kiss.  He moaned again as I pressed a slick finger into him, moving quickly to get him ready and replace it with my cock.  He was breathing hard and flushed by the time I sank him down onto me.  I bucked my hips, driving into him deeply.  His hands came up to clutch at my shoulders, steadying himself as I began to thrust.

 

Moisture slid down my stomach and I realized that Cain's cock was slick with his excitement, straining out from his body in a desperate bid for attention.  I shifted forward and it was caught between our abdomens for a moment.  He whimpered.  Immediately, I moved back, giving him some space.  On his own, he lifted and then lowered himself, slowly, once, twice, then in a steady pace as he rode me.  “Jaerim...”  His voice was low with need.  “P-please...”  He sounded as if he was in pain.  His body clenched, gripping me tightly as he continued moving over me.  “I- I-”

 

“Do you want me to help you, Cain?”  Our eyes met, and I could see the conflict in his.  “You don't have to say anything.  Just nod if you want it.”  I wouldn't make him beg like I'd sworn.  I couldn't.  Maybe, if things were different between us, I would have enjoyed hearing him plead with me for release.  But now, it felt degrading.  I had no desire to see him humiliated, despite what he'd claimed before.

 

He held perfectly still for a moment, as if trying to regain control of himself.  Then his body clenched again.  His cock twitched, I felt myself jerk inside of him in response.  He let out another whimper, then nodded, once at first, then emphatically.  He closed his eyes tightly and clutched at me, shaking with need.  I didn't need to be told twice.  I wrapped my hand around his cock and stroked.  He cried out, back arching up, impaling him even more deeply on my cock.  I thrust upwards and stroked him again.  “Jaerim!”  My name on his lips in passion was the most erotic thing I'd ever heard.  I bucked upwards rapidly, growling in satisfaction as he felt his release begin to coat my hand, treasuring the sound of his climax.  My own followed on its heels.

 

He collapsed against me, exhausted and sated, and fell asleep with me still inside him.  I stayed just like that for I don't know how long.  Joined to him, our bodies pressed together and the evidence of our passion cooling on our skin.  This was what I wanted.  It could be like this all the time between us.  I could make Cain happy, if he would let me.  He could grow to love me.

 

I tried to examine my feelings for him and found that they were more complex than I had originally thought.  I had spent so much time idolizing him that what I loved was the  _ idea _ of him.  And that wasn't who he really was.  He challenged my preconceived concept of him at every turn, much to my frustration.  Still, I liked the things about him that I uncovered.  The ideal Cain had been an untouchable, mythical figure.  The flesh and blood man was so much more than that. 

 

As the real Cain chipped away my memory of the fantasy I'd held of him, I realized more and more that I preferred the real him.  Despite the difficulties, despite how sorely he tested my temper, I didn't regret that he wasn't exactly as I'd envisioned.  

 

What I did regret, was how things needed to be for me to keep him.  I wanted him with me of his own free will.  Forcing him to stay grated on my conscience and my heart more every day.  But if I let him go, I couldn't guarantee that he would stay.  In fact, with how I'd treated him and how he reacted to me, he would likely run away as fast and as far as he could.  Right back to his worthless cousin, who would throw him right back into the fire.  And that I simply couldn't accept.

 

I was falling in love with Cain, the real life flaws-and-all Cain.  And I wanted him to fall in love with me too.

 

Eventually, I carried him to bed.  He stirred when I laid him down, turning on his side to face me.  The moonlight made his eyes seem to glow as he blinked up at me.  “I fell asleep.”

 

“You did.” I smiled softly at him.  His chest was still slick, so I used a tissue to clean him up.  His face flushed and he closed his eyes.  “Don't,” I whispered.  “Don't turn away from me.  We need to talk about this.”

 

“I don't know what to say.”  

 

“You told me that you needed a choice.  I tried to respect that.  I don't want you to regret what we did together.”

 

“I can blame you for what we did, but I can't blame you for my own weakness.  I hate it.”  His voice hitched and he pressed his face against my chest.  I wrapped my arms around him reflexively, my heart clenching at his words.

 

“Why?”  I stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.  “Why do you have to hate wanting me?”

 

“Because I can't control it.  That is supposed to be the one thing that I  _ can _ control, and I can't.  It's the only thing I have left, and I'm too weak to stick to it.”

 

“Would you rather we go back?  To the way things were before?  If I don't give you a choice about whether you come, then you can't blame yourself for doing it.  You don't have to feel weak.  It can be all my fault.”

 

“Y-you're not supposed to be considerate about it,” he moaned.

 

“Cain, I will do whatever you want me to in this regard.  If you want me to keep waiting until you ask for it, then I will.  But I hate seeing you so eaten up about this.  I want you to enjoy what we do. I want you to be happy.  Please be happy...” 

 

“Why are you being so kind to me?”  My chest grew damp and I realized that tears were falling from his eyes.  How many times now had I made him cry?  I hated myself for that.  I held him tighter, wishing that I knew what to do to ease his pain.

 

“I care about you.  I want to provide for you, protect you, cherish you.  I know I've made mistakes, I know I haven't treated you the way I should, but I'm doing everything I can to make up for that.  I want you to be happy here with me.  You deserve kindness and happiness and every good thing that I can offer you.”

 

“But you can't offer me my freedom.”  He looked up at me then, eyes damp despite him trying to blink away the moisture.  I suddenly felt as though I couldn't draw breath.  As though there was an iron band around my chest, constricting more and more until I would be crushed with it.  My mouth opened, and I nearly told him it was his.  That he could go.  But I choked on the words and shook my head.

 

“I can't let you go.”

 

Cain closed his eyes and turned away from me.  He didn't try to stop me when I wrapped my body around him, and after a few moments, I heard his breathing even out in slumber once more.

 

The next morning, neither of us spoke about what had happened the night before.  I dressed for the day, kissed him, then went to work.  Ryou met me at my office with a dozen reports and notes on my schedule, which was packed the entire day.  Thankfully, I was too busy to focus much on Cain and how we had left things between us.  There were still things we needed to discuss, hurdles we needed to get past, but I needed to focus on keeping the organization running as well.

 

By the time evening rolled around, I was stiff from sitting behind my desk so long.  Ryou had offered to stay late so I wouldn't have to, but I reasoned that if we both stayed, we could be done in half the time.  I needed to stretch and get some fresh air before I finished the last of the paperwork.  

 

My back cracked and popped like a dry log in a fire as I stood.  Maybe a hot bath was in order when I got back home.  Would Cain be willing to join me?  The tub was certainly big enough, but I wasn't sure how he would feel about such intimacy.  I stopped to get a drink from the vending machine in the lobby and then stepped outside into the cool night air.  It would probably be another hour before we finished the last of the work for the day, and then I could see Cain again.  I wondered what he'd-

 

Movement from across the street caught my eye and I glanced over, then began to move before I'd even realized what I was doing.  Tien was standing on the opposite corner, watching me.  He saw that I was coming for him and headed towards the alley.  Anger roared to life inside me, adrenaline pumping through my veins as I prepared to confront him.  Was he trying to make more deals?  Hoping I would help him out of another mess?  My disgust for him tripled.  I followed him into the alley, my eyes just barely adjusting to the darkness before a bright light turned on behind me. I looked back in time to see the car jump forward, tires screeching.  It barreled towards me, and there was nowhere for me to go out of its path.  

 

My heart beat once.  The car was half the short distance to me.  I tensed.  My heart beat again.  The fender was inches from my legs.  I leaped.  My heart beat a third time.  I slammed against the windshield and rolled up over the hood.  The car's breaks squealed, and I could no longer count my heart beats.  The world had gone grey, spinning wildly and tilting like a top.  I felt myself pitched forward and then I landed on the road in front of the car.  Jarred bones crunched, but I felt no pain.  I knew it was only a matter of time.

 

The edges of my vision began to blur, but I saw a shadow peer over me, then another.  Something arched through the air and landed against me.  It was strange, I sensed the pressure of it hitting my ribs, but no accompanying response.  No pain, no abrasion, no heat.  It struck again.  Dimly, I thought about fighting back.  I knew I should.  Cain was waiting for me...

 

My hand rose, and when the bat came down again, I grabbed it.  The pressure of its descent broke my wrist, but though I heard the snap of bone clearly, I ignored it.  I flung the bat back up at the face of my attacker.  My intent had been to hit them and keep a hold of the bat, but my arm wouldn't cooperate.  There was a curse, then a spray of crimson shot across my field of vision.

 

_ Good _ .

 

Still, one hit wasn't going to save me.  The buzz in my ears was growing stronger, and despite the headlights flooding the alley, things were starting to go dark.  There was a commotion to my left.  I tried to turn my head to see, but instead, the blackness eating up the world closed in on me, stealing every sense, every thought, until only one remained.

 

_ Cain. _

  
  
  


**Cain**

 

I was starting to worry, and I hated the feeling.  Half of me wanted to not give a damn if he never came back.  The other half of me was running through all the terrible scenarios of things that could have gone wrong.  A traffic accident.  A fire.  An ambush by ninja assassins.

 

But Jaerim always seemed so larger than life to me.  There was no way something as mundane as a fender bender would happen to him, let alone something so fantastical as ninja attack.  No, he was probably working late and just didn't tell me.  And why should he?  I wasn't a house wife, waiting at home with supper.  The fact that food was growing cold on the table was beside the point.  I didn't want him to return, so it didn't matter that he hadn't done so yet.

 

Except... that wasn't true, and I knew it.  I would never wish harm on another person.  Not only that, but Jaerim wasn't just a stranger that I cared about as one human to another.  I cared about him as an individual.  I wanted him safe.  

 

And I wasn't prepared to face the reasons why.  How was I supposed to wrap my mind around the fact that I was developing feelings for the man who'd bought me?  Despite knowing that what he'd done to me was wrong, despite knowing that my forced dependency was enhancing my sympathy for him, despite all the logical reasons that I knew I shouldn't, I did care for him.

 

The events of the night before had played over and over again in my head the whole day.  Jaerim hadn't needed to be so considerate of my feelings.  He could have made me beg for release while we were having sex.  He could have lorded my need for him over me, humiliated me, degraded me, gloated about the power he had over me.  Instead, he'd given me relief as soon as I'd asked, waiting only for me to make it clear that I'd wanted to.  Then he'd give me such intense pleasure that I'd nearly passed out with it.  And even after, when he had the opportunity to remind me that I'd given in, he had instead tried to take the burden of blame onto himself.  He'd offered to ease my shame by making it totally his fault.  More importantly, he'd given me the  _ choice _ .   

 

There were still so many things that were twisted between us, but the fact that he'd been willing to let me decide was a huge step in the right direction.  It gave me the smallest bit of autonomy back.  And though it was still a problem with no good answer, I felt empowered that I would be the one to make the decision.

 

Maybe, if we could keep heading in this direction, I could take back more and more control over my life.  We could get to a place where Jaerim gave me the choice to sleep with him, to stay with him...

 

Of course, as soon as I had my freedom, I would go.  

 

Right?

 

The elevator doors opened and I whirled around, glad to be distracted from my thoughts.  The waspish comment that had been on the tip of my tongue died there.  The man who stepped out of the elevator was not Jaerim.  I stumbled back, fear icing through my veins.

 

“Mr Lisse, Cain, don't be alarmed.”  He held out his hand to me, but didn't move any closer.  “My name is Ryou Grant.  We spoke on the phone.  I work for Jaerim.”

 

“Ryou?”  I looked him over and realized that he fit the description Jaerim had given me.  Tall, but leaner than Jaerim.  His voice was recognizable as well.  He nodded, looking somber.  “Where's Jaerim?”

 

“He's in the hospital.”

 

“What?  Is he okay?”  I felt as though the floor was shifting beneath my feet.  Ryou was at my side in a moment, grasping my shoulder and ushering me to the sofa. 

 

“He will be alright, but he was injured fairly severely.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“He was attacked outside our offices.  A car hit him in an alley, and then the driver and another assailant beat him with a bat.”

 

“With a...”  I thought I was going to be sick.  A thousand gruesome images flashed through my mind all at once.  “B-but he'll be okay?”

 

“With sufficient time to recover, yes.  He has three cracked ribs, a punctured lung, a concussion, broken wrist, fractured hip, and several lacerations.  Now that his lung has been stabilized, his life isn't in jeopardy.  He will need to stay at least overnight in the hospital, though, so that they can treat his wounds and observe him.”

 

“Okay,” I let out a shaky breath and ran my hands through my hair.  “Okay, let me get my shoes and we can go.  Is there anything from here that he'll want?  His toothbrush, probably.  Socks?  Do they provide socks at the hospital?”

 

“Cain-” Ryou held out a hand for me to stop when I rose to start collecting things.  I turned back to him, then realization hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't his concerned lover, expected to sit at his bedside.  I was an object he owned, his prisoner here.  I wasn't allowed to leave.

 

“Oh, right.  Of course,” I said faintly.  I sat back down.  The clock on the wall ticked, filling the silence as I tried to control my emotions.  “Probably for the best anyway.  I'm sure the hospital staff doesn't need any more people under foot.”

 

“Cain, it isn't that he doesn't want you there.  But now that someone has made an attempt on his life, he is far more concerned with your own safety.”

 

“My safety?”

 

“You're the only person he cares about.  The easiest way for someone to get to him would be through you.  Without him there to protect you, he doesn't want you leaving the safety of the apartment.”

 

“But... who would go after me?  Who even knows I'm here?”

 

A hard glint came into Ryou's eyes, and I had the feeling he knew who the attackers were.  “Jaerim has enemies enough.  Not many know of you or what you are to him, but it only takes one.  He likely won't be comfortable with you leaving the apartment again until he's recovered enough to protect you himself.  He doesn't trust anyone else with the job.”

 

“Leave?”  I let out a short, bitter laugh.  “As if he would let me go out anyway.”

 

“Why wouldn't he?”  Ryou lifted a brow.  I blinked at him.  He knew our situation.  Surely he understood.

 

“Because... he owns me.  He keeps me here so that I'm at his disposal for- well-”

 

“Have you ever asked to leave the apartment?”

 

“Er, no.”

 

“I suggest, before you make assumptions about your circumstances, that you gain a bit more clarity.  I believe there is very little Jaerim would deny you.  With a few addendums, your life can be much the way it was before.  Or any way you want it, really.”

 

“Addendums such as being owned by another person, and having no control over what happens to me.”

 

“Do you truly believe that you have no control in your situation?”  He shook his head.  “I think you've misjudged him and yourself, as well.”  

 

Before I could make sense of his words, he rose and handed me a piece of paper with a phone number on it.  “This is the number of his room, should you want to contact him over night.  His cell phone was destroyed, but I'll have it replaced in the morning.  I believe that his doctors would like to keep him for a few days, but doubt that he will listen.  He will likely return tomorrow, or the day after at the latest.”  He looked as though he wanted to say more, but turned to leave instead.

 

“Wait!”  I spoke before I knew what I was doing.  Ryou stopped and turned back.  “Tell Jaerim...”  What?  Tell him what?  That I was glad he wasn't dead?  That I hoped he came back soon?  What could I possibly say in a situation like this?  “Tell him I'm sorry I wasn't there to help him this time.”

 

He nodded to me.  “I will.”  Then he left.

 

I sat back down on the couch, trying to process everything.  I couldn't believed that Jaerim had really been attacked.  That he was at that very moment, lying in a hospital bed, severely injured.  Was he in pain?  Was he afraid?  Despite how all powerful he seemed, he was only human.  He could be hurt or killed just as easily as any other man.  The idea made me feel sick.  I pushed it from my mind, trying not to think about it.  Ryou said he would be alright.  Bones would heal, cuts would mend.  He would be fine.  

 

Ryou had also said that I wasn't confined to the apartment, which was something that I had never considered.  I had no way out on my own, but apparently that didn't mean that I couldn't go out at all.  Would Jaerim go with me, trusting that I wouldn't try to run as soon as we stepped outside?  Of course, he knew that the debt I owed him kept me honor-bound to stay, but even honor couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't try and escape.  It would take trust.  Not only trust that I wouldn't ignore the debt, but also trust that I didn't want to leave so badly that I was willing to go that far.

 

_ I believe there is very little Jaerim would deny you _ .  That's what Ryou had said.  He knew Jaerim likely better than anyone else, and that's what he thought.  Hadn't Jaerim himself said almost as much?  He'd continually asked what he could give me, what I wanted, what he could provide.  But because he wasn't willing to let me go, I had ignored all the rest.  Suddenly, I wasn't just thinking about how to change Jaerim, and how I could change my circumstances.  I was thinking of what my life could be like if I accepted things the way they were.  I would want for nothing.  I already cared for Jaerim, and knew he cared for me.  I could be happy with him....

 

The idea called to me like a succubus, tempting me sweetly.  It would be so easy to just give in.  All he asked was to own me.  To have my body any time.  And didn't I already enjoy his appetites anyway?  I could just accept my lot.

 

No.  No, no, no.  This wasn't healthy, for either of us.  I deserved the right to choose who I wanted to be with, and Jaerim deserved someone who was with him because they wanted to be, not because they had to be.  He was denying himself that by forcing me to stay.  We could never have anything real between us because of it.

 

I went through the motions of getting ready for bed numb and overwhelmed.  It wasn't until I laid down that I realized I still had the phone number Ryou gave me clutched in my hand.  I looked at it, fighting the urge to call.  To hear Jaerim's voice.  Eventually, I fell asleep, still holding it tightly.

 

The next day dragged on indefinitely.  I busied myself with work for my classes, with reading, with any little thing that I thought would keep my mind occupied.  At meal times, I tried to eat, but my appetite was gone.  I didn't hear from Jaerim or Ryou all afternoon.

 

After dinner, I was sitting in the living room staring blankly at the book I was supposed to be reading, when I heard muffled voices.  The elevator stopped, and they became louder.  I rushed to the foyer just as the doors opened. 

 

“I don't care what they said.  If you try and carry me to the goddamn bed, I'm going to deck you, broken wrist or not!”  Jaerim let go of Ryou's shirt and limped off the elevator, leaning heavily on a crutch.  He saw me and stopped.  “Cain.”

 

“Jaerim.”  Again, I was at a loss for words.  My throat felt thick and I couldn't believe that I was on the verge of tears.  When had I become so weak?  He reached his hand out to me hesitantly, and I threw all my thoughts about right and wrong out the window.  I flew to him, pulling back at the last minute so that I didn't knock into him too hard and hurt him.  Both my arms went around him, and I felt his free arm go around me as well.  I clung to him, not caring about what it meant or how I should feel.  All I wanted to focus on was the fact that he was there, he was alive.  I could try and figure out what that all meant later on.

 

“If you try and stay on your feet for any longer, I really will have to carry you to bed,” Ryou interrupted behind us.

 

“Fine, you fucking mother hen.  I'm going.”  He leaned on my shoulder, and I automatically moved to help him.  We made our way to the bedroom and I eased him down onto the mattress.  He squinted against the light, so I turned off the overhead and flipped on the lamp, instead.  “See?  Made it just fine.”  

 

“Oh yes, all on your own.  I'm sure your human crutch there did nothing at all.”

 

“Fuck off.”

 

“I will, just as soon as I make sure you've got everything you need.”

 

“Do you have his discharge papers?” I asked.  “They should have his aftercare instructions on them.  I'll need to know if there are any medications they have him on, what he's allowed to eat, things like that.”

 

Ryou stared at me for a moment, as if shocked.  I glanced between him and Jaerim, uncomfortable under the scrutiny.  “What?” 

 

“Nothing.”  He shook his head and handed me several papers.  “These were his discharge instructions.  Obviously he's already disobeyed several of them.  But barring any complications, he should have a fairly simple recovery as long as he gets some basic care.”

 

I nodded absently, reading the doctor's orders.  “You're allowed to eat.  Are you hungry?  Thirsty?”

 

“I could use a drink.  Getting up here was actually more effort than I'd expected,” Jaerim admitted.

 

“I told you,” Ryou said as I left the room.  There was a soft thud, then an  _ oof  _ from behind me, and I assumed Jaerim had thrown something at Ryou.  They seemed almost like brothers.  Perhaps I wasn't the only person Jaerim cared about, after all.

 

That night, Jaerim couldn't sleep curled around me like he usually did.  Instead, he laid on his back and I tucked myself under his arm, my head resting in the crook of his shoulder.  “I was worried about you,” I whispered.  He was quiet for so long that I thought he'd fallen asleep.  

 

“What you had Ryou tell me in the hospital... does it mean you finally remember?”

 

“I had to have my memory jogged, but yes, I remember.  Meeting you in the alley when you were hurt.”

 

“And the kiss.”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“So you understand.”

 

I sighed.  “No.  Ryou said that you feel like I saved your life.  I can see how that would make you... interested in me.  But I don't understand how one drunken kiss would make you so desperate to have me that you would...”

 

“Maybe you don't remember the kiss as well as I do then. It was one hell of a kiss.”  

 

“I'm being serious.”

 

“So am I.  There was chemistry between us, even that first night.  You were pure and selfless and innocent, everything light when my world was so shrouded in darkness.  Even after that night, you were like a beacon for me, guiding me towards a safe harbor.  Every time I felt hopeless, or thought about giving up, I saw your face, heard your kind words, felt that kiss again.  You drove me to better things.”

 

“I didn't do any of that.  The  _ idea _ of me helped you do it.  It was all you, Jaerim.”

 

“Direct influence or not, I wouldn't be where I am today without you.  I realize that I fixated on you.  That it borders on obsession.  But you've been the only thing keeping me going for so long.  Once I had you, I knew that I would do whatever I could to keep you.”

 

“No matter the cost.”

 

“That's not true.”

 

“Isn't it?”

 

“No, it's not.  I won't let you be harmed, and I won't let you be unhappy.  I can make you happy, Cain.  Just give me the chance to prove that to you.  I will lay the world at your feet.”

 

“A gilded cage is still a cage.”

 

“In time, you won't see it as one.  I don't want you to be my prisoner.  I want you to be my partner.”

 

“And what about what I want?   _ Who _ I want?”

 

Jaerim didn't reply.  We laid there in silence for a long time before restless sleep found us.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

Despite the troubling conversation we'd had, Cain took doting care of me.  For the next two days, he provided for my every need.  No matter what he claimed about wanting his freedom, I could see that he was coming to care for me the way I cared for him.  He would come to love me one day.

 

Still what he'd said about  _ who he wanted _ stuck with me like a sliver.  I wondered not for the first time if he'd had a lover before becoming mine.  It was obvious from his physical reaction to me that he wasn't totally straight, at least, but that didn't mean that there hadn't been a woman in his life.  Ryou had never mentioned one, but I wasn't sure he would have, considering how I felt about Cain.

 

“Were you with anyone, before this?” I asked him suddenly.  He put down the reports he'd been helping me with and turned to me, his eyebrows raised.

 

“When I was kidnapped, you mean?”

 

“No, were you dating anyone?  You said you hadn't had sex with a man, but was there a woman?  Or a man you just hadn't slept with yet?  Was there someone you... cared about?”

 

“I care about a lot of people, Jaerim, but I wasn't romantically involved with anyone.  I thought you understood, I hadn't been with anyone before you.  Man or woman.”

 

“You... you were a virgin?”  I could hardly believe it.  Yes, the auctioneer had strongly suggested that, but such a thing was impossible to prove with a male.  Despite his innocence, I'd never considered that at twenty-one, he'd never had sex at all.  He nodded.  “And I...”  I closed my eyes against the memory of it, but it washed over me anyway.  Holding him down, thrusting into him, his scream of pain.  I squeezed my eyes tighter shut, trying to blot it out.  “I'm sorry,” I rasped, realizing that tears were slipping down my face.  I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at him.  He was sitting perfectly still beside me, shocked at my display.  “I should never have-” I shook my head.

 

“Why did you?” he asked, his face awash with pain and confusion.  

 

“I lost my temper.  I had thought, for so long, about what our meeting would be like.  How you would act, what you would say.  And then I finally had you here, and all you were worried about was your fucking cousin.  You wanted to go back to that hotel and help him.  If I hadn't forced you to stay, you would have.  There's a small chance they might have returned you to me.  But they might have sold you again.  Or the men Tien owed money to might have killed you.  And you didn't care.  I was determined to protect you, even from yourself.  But then, as we were fighting... I snapped.  My control was already on such a short fuse, and being near you only exacerbated things.  I wanted you, so desperately.  I was so fucking angry,  _ furious _ with you, and I just...”  I swallowed hard.  “I never meant to hurt you.”

 

“Have you ever thought about getting help for your anger issues?” he asked me gently.  I shrugged.

 

“There's not much help I can really get.  A man in my position can't see a psychologist.  People, even good people, can be bribed or tortured for information.  I know I have a problem, and I've done my own research, but-”  I lifted my shoulder again, not really sure what else to say.  “I'm sure it's little consolation to you, but my rages have actually gotten better since you've been here.”

 

“Despite... everything... I am glad for that.  But isn't there anyone you can talk to?  Even just sharing might help.  Ryou maybe?”

 

“There's nothing I could talk to him about that he doesn't already know.  He joined my father's organization young enough that he saw me grow up.  He knows what my childhood and adolescence was like.  He knows what led to my father's death.  He was  _ there _ .”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

I forced myself not to feel any emotion at all.  It was something I'd gotten good at when discussing my father.  I had to.  “I killed him.  Ryou saw me do it.”

 

Cain gasped.  He drew back, horror written clearly on his face.  I wondered if I should have tried to lie to him.  A man like Cain could never understand how someone could be driven to turn on a member of their own family.  “Y-you murdered your own father?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“But  _ why _ ?”

 

“Do I have to have a reason?” I asked through gritted teeth.  “Maybe I just hated the bastard and was looking for a chance to take him out.”

 

Cain shook his head.  “I don't believe that.”  He narrowed his eyes at me.  “There had to have been a reason, and a damn good one.  You aren't a killer, Jaerim.”

 

His faith in my motives despite how I'd treated him felt like a blow to the gut.  “I've killed before, Cain, don't ever doubt that.  But no, never without need.”

 

“Then what happened?”

 

“There was a rival of his, a man who was nearly as powerful and he'd stepped on my father's toes in business.  Taken a few of his clients.  My father wanted to send him a message.  He had the man's son kidnapped and brought to us.  I thought he planned to ransom the kid, but when I got there, he wanted me to-”  I stopped, taking a shaky breath and bracing myself against the memory.  “He wanted me to rape and kill the boy.  Leave him out to be found naked and violated.  I think he even planned to film it.”  I looked away from Cain, unable to bear his gaze.  “Despite what my father thought, being gay didn't make me a pedophile.  The kid was so fucking  _ young _ .  Ten or eleven, maybe.  He was terrified.  He cried when he heard what my father ordered.  Begged me not to.  As if I could have.”  I shuddered, suddenly realizing that what I'd done to Cain was so similar to what that boy had begged for reprieve from.  Pain and guilt tore at me more strongly than ever before.  I curled in on myself as much as my injuries would allow.

 

“I told my father no.  No matter how much he screamed and threatened me, I refused.  So he said he was going to do it himself.  Not that he'd have been able to actually... I assumed he was going to do it with the barrel of his forty-five and then shoot him with it after.  But I wouldn't let him.  He was furious with me for disobeying him, and even more so for trying to stop him.  When I wouldn't give in, he attacked me.  I killed him in the fight.  I was defending myself with my bare hands and I must have...”  I leaned my head back, taking a deep breath and setting my jaw.  “I don't regret it.”

 

“Jaerim... I don't even know what to say.”

 

“You don't have to say anything,” I replied gruffly.  “I'm not looking for absolution.”

 

“Nor should you.  You did nothing wrong.”

 

My head snapped back up, shock making my eyes go wide.  “Nothing wrong?”

 

“What were you supposed to do, let him shoot you?”  He sounded angry on my behalf.  “Or let him torture and murder a child?  It would have been easier to do what he wanted, or just leave him to do it himself.  But you fought him to save that child's life.  He was clearly a monster.”

 

“He was,” I agreed after a moment of silence.

 

“I'm so sorry that you went through that.”  Cain rested his hand on my arm, and I unconsciously leaned into the contact.  Having him there, touching me, comforting me, soothed something inside of me that I hadn't realized needed soothing.  I'd said that I wasn't looking for absolution, and that was true, but hearing him side with me so strongly, having him sympathize with me, was a balm to my soul.  “What happened to the boy?”

 

“I had him sent back to his father.  The family and business moved across the country the next week.  I have a few very minor business dealings with the father now and again, but nothing more than that.”

 

There was a long pause.  “The first time I said it, I was making an assumption based on my intuition.  I didn't know you well enough to really judge.  But it was true then and it's true now.  You're a good man, Jaerim Black.”

 

“You of all people should know I'm not.”

 

“I've seen you at your worst, I've felt the bite of your anger.  I know your issues and problems.  And despite all that, I still think you're a good man.”

 

“If I was a good man, I'd be able to let you go.”

 

“Maybe someday you will.”  He put his hand over mine.  I watched him, my eyes roving over his face until I couldn't stand it any more.  Then I pulled my hand out from under his and turned away.

  
  
  


**Cain**

 

Jaerim was resting after I'd helped him in a bath.  The cuts and scrapes were healing nicely, but his broken bones still ached and he disliked taking the pain medication that he'd been prescribed.  It was good to see him sleeping comfortably after the soothing effects of a hot bath.  I had closed the bedroom door behind me as I went to the kitchen to prepare lunch.

 

A buzzing sound caught my attention as I went past the foyer.  I paused, trying to hear where it was coming from.  Then I spotted Jaerim's new cell phone on the table by the elevator.  Ryou had been handling the business all week, so Jaerim hadn't needed it.  I picked it up, intending to silence the vibrating, when I saw the number on the screen.

 

_ Tien _ .

 

My fingers fumbled as I tried to answer it.  After nearly dropping the phone, I managed to hit the answer button.  “Tien?”

 

“Cain?”  My cousin's voice was clearly shocked.

 

“Yes!  Tien, it's so good to hear from you!  Are you alright?”

 

“Uh, yeah.  Yeah, I'm fine.  Does Jaerim still have you?”

 

“I-”  I paused, not sure exactly how to try and describe how confused my situation had become.  “Yes, I'm at his apartment,” I finally said.

 

“Good!  You need to get out of there.  He's hurt, right?  You should be able to escape.  I'll go there now.”

 

“I can't.”

 

“What?  Why?”

 

“I owe him a debt, Tien. One too big for either of us to pay off.  Plus, the elevator is the only way down, and it's coded.”

 

“There's gotta be another way down.  Every building that size has stairs.  They're required for fire codes.  You've just got to find them.”

 

“I searched my first day here-”

 

“You didn't look hard enough!”  He sounded angry.  How could I blame him, though?  I would be angry too if the situation was reversed and there was nothing I could do to help.  “Listen, just look again.  You'll find them.  Then we can go together.”

 

“Even if I could get out, that wouldn't change the debt I owe him,” I said softly.  How could I fully explain the sense of indebtedness I felt towards my captor?

 

“I think I have a way out of that.  Just meet me down in the garage, and I'll explain everything.”

 

“What do you mean?  You think you can get the money to pay him back?”

 

“Just find those stairs and meet me.  I'll tell you about it face to face.”

 

“Alright,” I agreed, somewhat reluctantly.  “I'll look again.  If I can find a way down, we can talk about it.”

 

I hung up and looked around, trying to figure out where the stairs would be.  I'd looked thoroughly that first day, but I hadn't known the apartment as well then.  Slowly, I made my way around, looking into all the nooks and crannies for things I might have missed.  What had Tien meant that he had a way out of the debt?  Was it possible that he'd somehow come into that much money?  If so, how had he gotten it?  I couldn't help but assume it was something illegal.  Would I be able, in good conscience, to take ill-gained money and pay off my debt to Jaerim with it?

 

Part of me thought it shouldn't matter where the money came from.  As long as Jaerim was paid, why should I care?  He hadn't cared that it was illegal to buy me.  But then, Tien's debt to him had been a legitimate one, and Jearim had helped him out as well, because of a promise I'd made him.  I was so confused about how I felt.  I needed to get some perspective, to have some distance so I could examine what I really thought about everything.  Seeing Tien again really would-

 

I stopped, looking again at the wall on the east side of the pantry.  Was it my imagination, or was there a slight break in the paint?  I felt along it.  Not my imagination.  There was definitely a gap there.  I pulled, prodded, pushed, and then suddenly, the door that had been concealed popped open.  There was a set of utility stairs before me.  I gasped, hardly believing that I'd actually found a way down.  Happiness bubbled inside of me to nearly overflowing. I could get out.  I could see Tien again.

 

I stopped, looking back over my shoulder towards the bedroom.  Guilt spiked inside me and something else... grief?  I shook my head.  That was ridiculous.  If Tien really did have a way to repay the debt, then there was no reason to feel guilt.  And certainly not grief.  I should be happy at the prospect of getting away, not wondering how Jaerim would be, how he would feel.  Weren't my wants and needs just as important?  

 

But what did I really want?

 

Indecision choked me.  Finally, I was able to move my feet when I realized that going down to see Tien didn't mean that I had to leave.  If whatever plan he had to settle the debt didn't sit well with my conscience, I would go back up and look for another way.  And when I found one, a legitimate one, I would be able to leave without looking back.  I  _ would _ .

 

The garage was dark, with floodlights illuminating the main entry and exit points.  A car pulled in just as I reached the closest circle of light.  My heart started to pound.  I recognized that car.   Tien stepped out and walked over to me.

 

“Tien!”  I threw my arms around him, more glad than I would have thought possible to see him again.  He hugged me back stiffly, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes.

 

“Come on,” he urged, stepping back.  “We should go before he realizes you're gone.”

 

“You haven't told me the plan to pay him back.”

 

“We can talk about that on the way.  Get in the car.”

 

“No,” I said, surprising him.  He turned back to me, eyes narrowed.  

 

“What the fuck do you mean, no?”

 

“I owe him, Tien.  We both do.  I can't just leave until I know how we can pay him back.”

 

“Just get in the goddamn car, Cain!  I'm not fucking around.”

 

“Neither am I.”

 

“What, are you a fucking faggot like him now?  Do you  _ want _ to stay with that freak?”

 

I drew back from his venomous words, hating how ugly they sounded, how cruel he was being.  And how close he was to being right.  “I'm not going, Tien.  Once we figure out a way to pay him back, then I'll-”

 

I stopped mid-sentence when Tien drew a gun.  “Get in the fucking car, Cain,” he ordered.  I put my hands up and took a step back, then froze when his hand wavered.  “This isn't a request.  You're coming with me whether you want to or not.”  He stalked towards me and I could only stand there, not believing what he was saying.

 

“What are you doing?” I finally managed to croak out, confused and afraid.

 

“Do you have any idea-” The elevator doors opened.  Tien grabbed me around the neck, pulling me back against him like a shield and pressing the gun to my temple.  Jaerim staggered forward, limping.  He braced his forearm against the door of the elevator and leaned on it heavily, his face lined with pain.

 

“Jaerim!”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Tien snarled at me.  He turned the gun from me, to Jaerim.  “I should blow your fucking brains out right now.”

 

“How can you threaten him?” I demanded.  “He saved your life!”

 

“I would have figured something else out, even if he hadn't stepped in!  I've gotten myself out of worse scrapes than that.  I sold you, didn't I?  And I got a paltry million for you, then he paid double that.  The auction house would gladly pay me four times that now, especially when it gets out that he cares for you.”  Tien turned his eyes back to Jaerim as I stood there, reeling.  “What do you think your enemies would do to him if they had the chance?  How much would they pay for the opportunity?”

 

“I don't care that you're his only family, I'll kill you before I let that happen,” Jaerim growled, eyes narrowed in fury.

 

Tien scoffed.  “You're the one who's going to die if you don't back the fuck off.  I might not have been able to finish the job in the alley, but I could blow your head off right now and no one would be able to step in at the last goddamn minute and save you this time.”

 

“You?” I gasped.  “You're the one who attacked him?”

 

“Of course I did.  He's ruined everything!  And now I'm going to get a little revenge.”

 

“Hurt him and I'll rip your heart out,” Jaerim swore.  Tien laughed and dug the barrel of the gun hard enough against my skull to bruise.  There was a flash of pain, but I barely noticed it.  My eyes were glued to Jaerim's face.  The look of absolute hatred there.  Tien had the gun, and Jaerim was already injured.  All the cards were stacked against him, and yet I knew without a doubt in that moment that he would kill Tien.  He wouldn't care if he died in the process.  His eyes shifted, and for a fraction of a second, they met mine.  The look he gave me was beyond my ability to comprehend so quickly.  Then he was staring at Tien again.  I shifted.  Jaerim lunged forward. 

 

Tien gripped me tighter and staggered back, despite clearly having the upper hand.  He turned the gun from my head to Jaerim.  Jaerim was a big target, but he was moving faster than the gun could track.  Tien panicked and squeezed the trigger.  The rapport was deafening, roaring through the garage and leaving a horrible ringing in my ears that blocked out all other noise.  I saw, as if in slow motion, Jaerim's body jerk, but he kept coming forward.  He collided with Tien before he could get another shot off.  They scrabbled for control, and in the scuffle the gun fell and skittered across the floor.  I had been knocked aside and snatched it up.  Jaerim had his fist pulled back ready to punch Tien in the face again, his knuckles already bloody.  More blood was gushing from a wound on his shoulder that Tien reached towards, clawing at it.

 

I raced to them, feeling as if I was moving in slow motion, as if everything that had happened in the last ten seconds was just a movie I was watching instead of real life that I was experiencing.  Numb legs carried me forward and I smashed the butt of the gun against Tien's temple.  He lurched and then went limp.  Jaerim let go of him so that he fell to the ground.  He staggered back.  I pulled the cartridge from the gun and tossed it away from us, then grabbed Jaerim just as he started to collapse.

 

I staggered trying to keep him upright, then sank us both to the ground when I realized it was a losing battle.  There was still blood gushing from the gunshot wound, so I ripped my shirt off and pressed it to his shoulder hard.  His face twisted up in pain, but I couldn't hear if he called out.  My ears were still ringing from the shot, deafening me to all other sound.

 

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” I repeated, holding him as close as I could and barely noticing the tears falling down my face.  It was my fault, all my fault.  If I hadn't trusted Tien, if I hadn't come down to meet him, if I had only believed Jaerim about him...  None of this would have happened.  Jaerim wouldn't be fighting to remain conscious in my lap, bleeding profusely.

 

My brain suddenly kicked into gear, and I realized that I needed to call for help.  He was already injured.  Without immediate aid, Jaerim could die from blood loss.  Terrified, I scrambled in Tien's jacket until I found his phone.  I dialed 911 and didn't bother holding it up to my useless ears.  “It's going to be alright,” I promised Jaerim brokenly.  “You're going to be fine.  I'm so sorry I doubted you.  I'm so sorry that I led you into this.”  How could I have been so blind to the truth?  “It's all my fault.”

 

I could see Jaerim's lips moving, but I couldn't hear what he was saying.  It was obvious that he was putting great effort into speaking, and I didn't want him to exhaust himself for words I couldn't even hear.  I pressed my lips to his and kissed him softly.  He stilled, then kissed me back.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Jaerim**

 

The next day was a blur.  The pain came and went as the hospital staff gave me various drugs to help.  There was a surgery to remove the bullet.  The police had interviewed me, then Cain, then Ryou, who'd arrived the same time as the ambulance.  I knew that Cain had been treated as well, both for the powder burn on the side of his face as well as the damage to his ear from the shot.  Then, he'd waited with Ryou for the doctors to decide if I would live.

 

Ryou was the one who convinced them to let me go home the next day, for which I was grateful.  I wouldn't have had the energy to fight it myself, but I didn't want to be at the hospital.  I wanted to be home, alone with Cain.

 

With Cain, who hadn't run away with Tien.  Who hadn't told the police he was being held against his will when they'd interviewed him.  Who was sitting by my bedside at the apartment, making sure I had everything I needed.

 

“You could have left when we were at the hospital,” I finally said, ignoring the way my chest clutched in protest at the very thought.  Cain stilled and didn't meet my eyes at first.  

 

“I'd be lying if I said I thought about it and then chose to stay.  It didn't even cross my mind.  There was so much chaos, and then knowing it was my fault... I never even had the chance to consider it.”

 

“It wasn't your fault,” I said fervently.  “You shouldn't have met him on your own, but he bears the consequences for his own actions.  He's the one who shot me.  He's the one who threatened you.  That's not your fault.”

 

“But if I'd just believed you about him-” he stopped and buried his face in his hands.  I ached to hold him, to comfort him.

 

“You didn't want to believe that your only family was capable of such a thing.  Despite how angry it made me, I understand why you couldn't accept it.  I admire your loyalty.”

 

“And look where it landed us both,” he muttered.

 

“I don't regret it,” I admitted.  Cain looked up at me sharply and studied my face.  I wasn't sure what I saw there.  Obviously he regretted me being hurt, but was that regret for the situation that had put us together, as well?  Would we ever be able to get to a point where he could be glad we had crossed paths again, despite what I'd put him through?

 

He rose and went to make lunch, leaving me with my thoughts.

  
  


**Cain**

 

I cared for Jaerim for another week before he was well enough to go back to work.  Ryou tried to get him to stay home for at least another few days, but Jaerim wouldn't hear of it.  He came home that first night exhausted, having pushed himself well beyond his limits.  By the next week he was nearly back to normal except for the casts.  Any distance that had remained between us was obliterated during his recovery.  We had spent every moment together while he was home, much of it with little to do except talk to each other.  I took time for my classes while he slept, but other than that, we were totally engulfed in one another.

 

Jaerim told me more about his childhood, the challenges he'd faced with his father and the events that had led to the night we had first met.  I shared with him my regrets about my time in the commune, how much I'd longed for affection from those that took me in.  How that desire had allowed me to be blinded to Tien's true nature.  I bitterly regretted not believing Jaerim sooner.  I had to accept that him keeping me from going after Tien that first day had likely saved my life.  How much it had to have rankled Jaerim to bail my cousin out of trouble at my request.  How much of a mistake I'd made in going down to meet Tien the night he'd attacked us.  Jaerim had been totally right, about all of it.

 

My perception of him changed with those realizations.  No, I still didn't condone what he'd done to me that first night.  But could I hold his imprisonment of me against him?  If I knew that letting someone go would result in their death or worse, wouldn't I, too, be willing to keep them captive?

 

Still, there were other issues that hadn't been resolved simply because I accepted some of his actions.  It wasn't okay that he had forced me to continue having sex with him.  No, he hadn't actually had to use  _ force _ , but that was only because I'd agreed not to fight him.  Right?  What would he have done if I'd tried to stop him after that first night?

 

I wasn't sure any more that everything we'd done sexually had been completely against my will.  Hadn't I wanted some of it?  Did that mean that I'd forfeited my right to blame him?  Or was I simply so messed up from what he'd done that I'd lost my ability to tell what I truly wanted?

 

It had been two weeks since we'd had any kind of sexual release.  If he came to me and asked me to go to bed with him, asked and not ordered or assumed, would I say yes?

 

I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't say no.  And that scared me. 

  
  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I finally felt like things were back to normal within the business after the time I'd spent away.  I hated letting work get behind, even knowing that Ryou was exceedingly competent at keeping things running smoothly while I was gone.  It was an immense relief to have everything in its usual order.  For the first time, I felt as though I could shift my focus once more to Cain.

 

Something had changed between us that night that Tien had shot me.  Something monumental.  Neither of us mentioned it specifically, but there was no doubt that things were different.  Cain was everything I would have thought a loving partner could be and more.  He had been thorough and diligent in his care of me.  We had spent hours on end simply talking to one another, sharing more of ourselves.  I finally felt like I knew him, the real him, inside and out.  And what I knew only made me love him more.

 

The only thing that could have made my happiness complete would be knowing that Cain felt the same about me.  That he wanted to stay by my side of his own free will and not because I was keeping him there.  The problem was that the only way for me to ever know that for certain would be to let him go.  And with that came the risk that he would leave me.

 

Could I survive that?  

 

Losing the idealized version of him I'd held onto for so long had been painful and difficult.  But I'd had the real Cain to soothe the wound.  Even then, I'd reacted violently and angrily to the loss.  What would happen if I had to let go of him completely?  I feared that if it came to that, I would either destroy everything around me, or destroy myself.

 

Just thinking about it left me anxious and tense.  I finished the last of my work for the day and headed back to the apartment, eager to have Cain in my arms again.  And back in my bed.  I set my bag down heavily in the foyer so that he would hear that I was home.  My plan had been to toss him onto whatever solid surface he was nearest and drive us both to ecstasy right there on the spot, but he greeted me in black trousers, a dress shirt, and a perfectly tailored vest.

 

I took a full moment to appreciate the sight of him dresses up before I could even find coherent words.

 

“You look... great.”

 

“Thanks.”  He smiled at me almost shyly.  The dimple in his cheek flashed, and my stomach flipped a little.  “I was wondering if we could go out for dinner.”

 

“Out?”  His face fell for just a moment, as if he expected me to refuse.  “Like a date?” I asked, my tone helplessly hopeful.  His brow furrowed and he lifted one shoulder.

 

“I was thinking more to celebrate.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“You getting back on your feet, me aceing my anatomy test, us getting to the last chapter in our book.”

 

“You passed your test?” I grinned.  He'd been worried about that damn test all week.  He grinned back at me and nodded.  I pulled him into a hug and kissed him soundly.  “I'm so happy for you!  Of course we have to celebrate.  Is there any place specific you want to go?  I can get us a table at any restaurant in the city.”

 

“I'm sure you'd know the fancy ones better than me,” he demurred.

 

“I don't care if it's fancy.  I want it to be someplace you like.  Or maybe someplace you've always wanted to go but haven't had the chance.  Whatever you prefer.”

 

“Okay, what about Angelo's?”

 

“Sounds perfect.  Let me change into something more suitable and we'll be on our way.   Could you call and tell them we're coming?  Just tell them that the table's for me and they shouldn't give you any trouble.”  I shrugged out of my jacket and headed for the bedroom.

 

“I, uh, can't.”

 

“Huh?  Why?”

 

“The phone.  It doesn't dial out for me except to you and Ryou.”  He shifted his weight uncomfortably.

 

“Yes it does.”  I turned and left him there, stripping off my clothing as I went.  After a few moments, I heard him pick up the phone and dial it.  Despite how casually I'd mentioned it, there hadn't been anything casual about the decision to take the lock off the phone.  It was a link to the outside world for him.  He could call anyone, arrange anything, without my knowledge.  There was an enormous risk in that, considering the circumstances.

 

But I couldn't keep him cut off from reality forever.  Now that Tien was out of the picture, there wasn't any danger of him being duped by his lowlife cousin again.  And since very few people in the world knew what Cain was to me, and no one Cain knew could use it against me, I couldn't see him coming to any harm from contacting anyone.

 

The risk was of him setting up a way to escape, or finding a way to pay off the debt.  The first wasn't really a concern for me.  He'd had multiple opportunities to get away and had chosen not to take them.  He could have left with Tien before realizing what his cousin had planned.  He could have told the police about his situation after I'd been shot.  He could have walked out of the hospital while I was in surgery.  He hadn't.  I believed that the debt was enough to keep him honor bound to stay.

 

As for him finding a way to pay the money back...  It was a chance I was going to have to take.  I didn't think he knew anyone with that kind of money.  Even if he could come up with something, it wasn't likely to be a quick solution, which gave me more time to bring him around to my side.  I was sure that he was falling for me.  I just needed him to be all the way there before the debt was paid.

 

I was slipping on my jacket when I went back out to the foyer.  Perhaps few would have noticed the difference in what I had put on with what I'd taken off, but I wanted the night to be special.  My suits for work were practical, comfortable, and designed to make a statement.  Power suits, Ryou called them.  They weren't meant to appeal, they were meant to impress.  What I'd put on was far more flattering.  Everything was cut to fit my body perfectly, and if the way Cain looked me over was any indication, it had exactly the effect I was going for.

 

“You... that looks good on you.  Really good.”

 

I chuckled, crossing to his side and tipping his chin up with my knuckles.  “Thanks.”  I pressed a kiss to his lips and pulled my phone from my pocket.  “Let me just call and have the car pulled up.”

 

“Can we walk?  The restaurant isn't that far.”

 

“If you'd rather,” I said somewhat hesitantly.  Why did he want to walk?  Had I been wrong about my trust that he wouldn't try and run?  Did he have something planned?  I punched in the elevator code and my stomach was tied up in knots the entire ride down to the main level.  The solicitous hand I put on Cain's lower back to usher him through the door was just as much to snatch him back if I needed.  I almost turned us back around, but I forced myself not to.  I had to go through with this.  If something happened, I would deal with it.

 

We hadn't taken more than two steps into the afternoon sunshine when Cain stopped.  I tensed, readying myself for whatever came next, and looked over at him.  He had his eyes closed, his face tipped up so that the warm rays of light bathed every inch.  His chest expanded as he took a deep breath and held it, as if savoring it.  When he opened his eyes, the look in them was pure bliss.

 

I felt both immensely satisfied and also like the worst sort of bastard.  I'd been expecting schemes and plots, when all he'd wanted was to feel the sun against his skin.  I had denied him of that for far too long.

 

“I'm sorry,” he said when he saw me watching him.  “It's just, aside from that chaos at the hospital, I haven't been outside in weeks.”

 

“Don't apologize.”  My voice was more gruff than I wanted it to be, so I tried to soften it with a smile.  I took his hand, uncaring of who might see.  “Why don't we go through the park?  It'll add a few more minutes to the walk, but they'll hold the table.”

 

“I'd love that.”  He gripped my hand, and we crossed the street and headed towards the park.  We took our time, strolling along the path, stopping at the plaques that were dotted among the green.  When we reached a wide, grassy area, I pulled him to a stop.

 

“Why don't we sit for a while?  I can't remember the last time I was barefoot in the grass.”

 

“You don't mind?”  

 

“I'd enjoy it.”

 

We both took off our shoes and felt the warm grass under our toes.  Cain sat with his back propped against a tree and I laid down next to him with my head in his lap.  We talked about the book he was almost finished reading me, with me making guesses on who the hero would end up with and him looking smug and refusing to confirm or deny anything.  He told me about the huge garden they'd had at the commune where most of the food came from, and how much he'd enjoyed tending it.  I offered to  build a small garden bed for the balcony.  He seemed pleased by the idea, but didn't actually say that he wanted it.  Because he hoped he wouldn't be with me long enough to harvest it?

 

Eventually, we made our way to the restaurant.  Of course, they'd held the table for me.  Considering I owned the company that owned their company, there had been little doubt.  We ate a fantastic meal, talking and laughing like any other couple.  When we were finished, we walked home at a leisurely pace, enjoying the cool night air and trying to see the stars over the city lights.

 

“Ryou mentioned something about an exhibit at the botanical gardens next week.  Would you be interested in going with me?” I asked him when we were back up in the apartment.  Cain looked torn for a moment, then nodded.

 

“I would enjoy that.”

 

“And I know you used to study in the park.  Maybe this weekend we could go out for a few hours... I'm sure I'll have plenty of paperwork to do if you wanted to work on something for your classes.”

 

“That would be nice.”

 

Still, there was something off in his expression.  I crossed to him, cupped his face in my hands and looked him in the eyes.  “If there are things you want, not just physical things, but things you want to do, places you want to go, then tell me, Cain.  I want you to be happy. _  Let me make you happy _ .”

 

He stared up at me for what felt like endless moments, then nodded.  I kissed him, feeling as though he was somehow slipping through my fingers.  I was desperate to hold onto him, no matter what it took.  My hands pulled and tugged, stripping his clothes off while disposing of my own as well.  In no time at all I had us backed into the bedroom.  The backs of his legs hit the mattress and we crashed down onto it, breath mingling and hearts racing.

 

I shoved Cain's pants out of the way and gripped him, relieved and inflamed to find him hard.  It wasn't just me.  He felt it too.  He needed relief too.  I fumbled in the side table for the lubricant, dropping the damn bottle three times before I was able to open it and coat us both.  After a moment's preparation, I pressed the head of my cock against him and thrust forward.  His back arched, breath hissing out between his teeth.  I paused, fighting for control so that I could give him time to adjust.  Thankfully, he seemed to be caught up in the same fervor as I was.  After a moment, he bucked up to me, his body straining towards my own.  I pulled back and then drove into him again.

 

“Yes,” he moaned.  My cock jumped at the sound of his passion.  I angled my hips so that I was thrusting against his prostate and wrapped my fingers tightly around his erection.  He moaned again and I kissed him, wanting to taste his desire, to bathe myself in his breath, to be as close to him as two beings could get.  I thrust harder, driving him to the edge of orgasm and holding him there until I thought neither of us would be able to wait one more minute, one more second, one more heart beat.

 

“Tell me what you want,  _ detka, _ ” I breathed.  He gasped, clutching my shoulders and pushing his hips up to mine.  “Please, Cain, tell me.”

 

“F-fuck me,” he managed to bite out between breaths, still writhing beneath me.  “Come with me.”

 

I moaned low, struck to the core by those five little words.  My muscles bunched and flexed, using every bit of my strength to fuck him into the mattress.  He came with a shout, body shuddering around me and spurring me to my own release.  It was earth shattering.  Mind blowing.  Everything that I'd ever wished for and more.

 

I collapsed beside Cain and tried to catch my breath.  My whole body was slick with sweat and I would probably need to change the sheets in the morning, but I didn't care.  There wasn't any doubt this time that Cain had wanted me.  He'd enjoyed what we'd done, wanted more, wanted me to get pleasure from it too.  This was what we could have together.  It wouldn't always take a two week break for us to have that kind of explosive passion in bed.  It could be like that all the time.  I kissed him, hope for the future burning brightly inside of me.

 

“Tell me that was good for you,” I implored, needing to hear him say the words that all my other senses had confirmed.  He stretched beside me and gave me a sleepy smile.

 

“It was good.  Better than good.”

 

“You're incredible, you know that?”

 

He scoffed.  “No I'm not.”

 

“You really are.”

 

“There's nothing special about me.  You're the one who did all the work.”

 

I turned him to face me, my expression serious now.  “Every single fucking thing about you is special, Cain.  Don't deny it,” I said sharply when he opened his mouth to protest.  “You are the most precious thing in the whole world to me.  There isn't anything about you that I don't admire, don't enjoy, don't adore.  You mean more to me than all the riches, all the power, all the prestige in the whole goddamn world.  Don't ever forget that.”  I kissed him again, trying to show him what I meant.  I was shit with words, but I could make him  _ feel _ how much I cared for him.

 

Eventually, he nodded.  I could still sense that something was off, but I didn't press the issue.  We had come so far, so fast, that I didn't want to try and push him any more.  It would just take time.

 

The next day seemed to drag on endlessly.  Before Cain, I'd taken pleasure in the late nights, in the long days, in the inexhaustible font of work that the company provided.  But that had been when I didn't have someone at home waiting for me.  When I didn't get hard just from thinking about the man that was warming my bed.  I was so impatient towards the end of the day that even Ryou seemed happy to send me on my way.

 

By the time the elevator stopped at the top floor of the high rise, I wanted nothing more than to have Cain in my arms.  I dropped my bag to the floor with a thud and called out for him.  He poked his head out of the library.  In three strides, I reached his side and pulled him in for a searing kiss.  At first, his excitement seemed to match my own, but when I slipped my hands under his shirt, he tensed.

 

I fought away my impatience and broke off the kiss. I could wait.  There wasn't any rush.  We had all night to satiate our lusts.  I refused to think about fucking him over the table as we ate dinner.  Refused to think about fucking him on the couch as he read to me.  The story did actually provide a distraction for a while, at least until it was over.  The hero and heroine sailed off into the sunset, and then I was back to forcing myself not to think about fucking Cain over the coffee table.

 

When darkness finally fell, I moved to the bedroom.  I was so eager that it seemed as though every move Cain made was slowed down, like he was dragging his feet.  I wanted to grab him and pin him to the bed and  _ ravage _ him- but no.  It was far too soon for such things, if they would ever be possible between us again. I would be patient, I would take my time.  My eyes roved over every inch of his bare skin as it was exposed, and I quickly stripped off my own clothes.  He sat on the bed gingerly, looking as though he wanted to say something but didn't know how.  Was he embarrassed to say that he wanted me again?  Still grappling with guilt over enjoying what we did together?

 

I wouldn't make him say it if he didn't want to.  I crooked my finger at him.  “Come here.”  He seemed as though he was resolving himself, then laid back on the fresh sheets.  I blanketed his body with my own, kissing him deeply and I felt him relax.  My hands moved over him, stroking and teasing until he was throbbing against me.  I wanted to taste him, to lick away the moisture gathering on the crown of his cock, but I was far too eager to be inside of him.  

 

After coating us both liberally in slickness, I eased one finger into him.  He jerked, hands fisting on the sheets.  My breath hitched, and I barely resisted the urge to rush preparing him.  But I was thorough, taking my time and enjoying every twitch and shift of his body.  He had his face turned away from me, but I urged it back to me with a kiss as I slowly sank inside of him.  His body clenched, and he let out a low keening sound.  Pleasure tore through me as he gripped me tight.  I returned the favor with my hand, stroking him as I began to thrust in and out.

 

As soon as I stopped kissing him, his face turned away again.  Slowly but surely, his erection was fading.  I shifted, trying to change my angle so that I could give him more pleasure, varied the pressure and movement of my hand, but none of it seemed to do any good.  I stopped moving.

 

“Cain.”  He kept his head turned from me.  “Cain!”  Slowly, he opened his eyes, but they were trained over my shoulder.  Like they used to be.  “What's wrong?”

 

“Nothing.  Just finish.”

 

I growled in frustration.  Did he think I could fuck him like that?  Already, my own erection was starting to fade.  “Tell me what's wrong,” I demanded.  Finally, his eyes snapped to mine, and I knew what he was going to say before he said it.  I felt sick.

 

“It  _ hurts _ .”

 

Disgust knifed through me. I'd done it again.  I'd misread everything and caused him pain.  He must have been sore from my urgency the night before, and hadn't told me.  “Hold still,” I murmured, bracing my hand on his chest and easing back as gently as I could.  He winced as I finally withdrew.  “I-I'm sorry.”  I didn't know what else to say.  How had I fucked things up so badly again?  I couldn't understand what had gone wrong between us.  “Why the fuck didn't you tell me?” I asked angrily, furious with myself for hurting him and frustrated that he'd let it go so far.

 

“I'm not supposed to tell you no!” he exploded.

 

“What?” I drew back as if he'd slapped me.

 

“You made it clear from the beginning that I was yours to have any time you wanted.  I made a deal with you that I wouldn't fight you.   What was I supposed to do?”

 

“Tell me if you're fucking hurt!” I roared, surging to my feet.  “You know it's not like that any more!  Tell me what the fuck I have to do to convince you that I don't want to hurt you.”  My voice broke and I fell to my knees in front of him.

 

“I- I know you don't,” he admitted softly.

 

“Then what?  Forget everything else I said before.  Forget the deals we made.  You don't have to suffer in silence.”  My voice cracked again.  “Tell me when you don't want it.  You're my lover, not my-”

 

“Not your what?  Sex slave?  That's exactly what I am.”

 

“How can you say that, after everything-”

 

“A lover has a choice.  Every time.  You've never given me one before.”

 

“If I would have in the beginning you would have rejected me!”

 

“Then you have to accept that!  You should have given me the choice, even if it meant you wouldn't get what you wanted.”

 

“I'm telling you that you have the choice now.”

 

“Now that you're convinced I'll accept you.  That shouldn't matter, though!  If you change your mind about my right to decide because of how I'll respond, you're nothing more than a rapist using your claim on my body as an excuse.” 

 

I felt as though my whole world had just fallen out from beneath my feet.  I reeled back, pain driving deep into my heart until I thought I would break from it.  My hands shook and I couldn't seem to stop them.  It had all shattered into a million pieces, and each jagged shard was slowly working its way beneath my skin.

  
  


**Cain**

 

Jaerim blanched and staggered back as if I'd struck him.  “You've seen everything we've ever done together as rape?”  His voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. 

 

“No!”  I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but I couldn't.  “I'm not sure.”  My head fell forward and I ran my hands over my face as I tried to articulate the thoughts that had been plaguing me for the last few days.  “Don't you see?  I don't know if I'm  _ capable _ of giving you consent.  You've programmed me to give into you, to get pleasure from your touch.  I don't know what I really want any more.”

 

“I thought you were growing to care for me.  That we were-” he shook his head.  “But all this time you've seen me as nothing but your rapist and jailer.  I'm a fucking fool.” He rose to his feet and started to go past me.  I reached out, not even realizing I'd done it until he flinched away from my touch.

 

“Don't,” I begged brokenly.  “Don't turn away from me.”

 

He stared at me, the intensity in his eyes almost frightening.  Then I was in his arms, wrapped tightly in what felt like security and comfort and  _ home _ .  My need for him repelled me and yet I felt bound to it, bound to him.  I wanted to tell him that I took it all back, that I hadn't meant what I'd said.  But how could I?  It was all true, or as true as anything I felt about him could be.  It was all so mixed up inside of me that I didn't know if it could ever be repaired.  I rubbed my face against his chest, the familiar beat of his heart steady beneath my touch.  He tipped my chin up, his eyes searching mine.

 

“I love you,” he said softly, slowly, so that there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he meant it.  My gut churned and I thought I was going to be sick.  Because I loved him too, and it was so wrong.  His head dropped towards mine fractionally, then he stopped.  Pain washed so clearly over his face that I ached for him.  His arms dropped away from me.  “I can't touch you.”

 

He turned, crossing the room in a flash and snatching up discarded clothes as he went.  He was through the door and closing it behind him before I could react.  I felt for the bed behind me and sank down onto it, not sure what to think or how to feel.

 

The physical pain that had set all of this in motion seemed so small now compared to the burning in my chest.  I wished I could take it all back, make it go away, but that wasn't possible.  Everything circled around to one point.   _ I didn't know if I could give consent to Jaerim. _  Consent by definition couldn't be coerced or influenced.  In the short time that I'd known him, I had been groomed to accept Jaerim's touch, to respond to his advances.

 

It was true that if our relationship had started under other circumstances, I would likely have been willing, eager even, for all the things we did.  But as it was, I'd been compelled against my will to sleep with him until I had  _ become _ compliant.  Yes, now I wanted him physically, but did that matter?

 

What little clarity the lines my mind had once had were now totally obliterated.  The fact that Jaerim had been disgusted that I felt that I couldn't say no to him didn't help any.  He'd been genuinely horrified at hurting me, at knowing that I felt I had no right to stop him.  He wanted me to accept him when I was willing and turn him down when I wasn't.  And eventually, if I stayed with him, I would go to him of my own volition.  But was that true consent when he was the only option available, the only lover I'd ever known? 

 

I didn't know, and it hurt my heart trying to figure it out.  He'd told me he loved me.  I didn't doubt it was true.  It was a compulsive, obsessive, controlling love, but it was love all the same.  He had come so far over the course of our time together, learning to handle his rages, allowing me some freedom, seeking my happiness before his own.  Yet he still had further to go.  The fact that he was willing to continue keeping me his prisoner was proof of that.   It should have been clear.  But his willingness to at least let me turn down his sexual advances muddied the water.  If he wasn't forcing me to have sex with him, then all he was really doing was holding me as collateral on a debt.  That wasn't nearly as great a sin, right?  Still, the damage there was already done.  It couldn't be fixed with me trapped together with him, if it could be at all.

 

The worst part was that I loved him too, which meant I was broken beyond repair.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I rode down to the garage and then stalked to one of the cars in total silence, outwardly.   Inside, I was screaming.   Everything was blurring together until I couldn't think straight.  I'd been fucking Cain while he was in pain.  While he felt he didn't have the right to even tell me or ask me not to.  I'd put him in that situation, I'd said those things in the beginning, but I had no idea he still felt them.  I'd stupidly thought we were past that.  That he knew I cared for him.  We had come so far together, and still he'd been holding onto his image of me from that first night in the apartment.  He didn't see me as a man, he only saw me as a monster.

 

And how else could he, after everything?  I'd been deluding myself into thinking that I could earn redemption from what I'd done to him.  But there were some mistakes too great to ever erase.  My actions that night, the violence I'd shown him I was capable of, the cruelty, had forever put his heart out of my reach.  There was nothing I could ever do to make him truly mine.

 

So where did that leave me?  Could I just hold him captive for the rest of our lives?  Force him to stay with me?  I'd told him that I wanted him to be able to tell me if he didn't want to sleep with me, for him to have the right to refuse.  But how long would it be before I snapped again and took him against his will?  I didn't want to think I was capable of hurting him like that ever again, but the violence was already inside of me.  My rages had calmed since he'd come into my life, but I was still controlled by them far more than I should be.  I couldn't trust myself not to lash out at him when the pressure got too great.

 

The question was whether I was willing to subject him to that risk in order to keep him my by side.

 

Did I love him enough to let him go?

 

For the first time, I forced myself to accept that my love for him wasn't pure and selfless.  Yes, I wanted him to be happy.  I wanted to protect him and give him pleasure and take care of him.  But I also wanted him with me, needed him in my life, even if it wasn't what was best for him.  And I was beginning to accept the fact that I  _ couldn't _ be what was best for him.  He couldn't ever love me, and I had no one to blame but myself.

 

The pain increased until I thought I would drown in it, then ceased all together.  I was left bitter and numb.  Cold.  Hadn't I always been told that I was stupid and worthless?  A bastard of the worst sort.  Selfish and cruel.  It had been a waste of time to think I could be anything else.

 

I drove outside the city at a reckless speed, not really caring whether I made it back or not.  What was left there for me?  A man who despised me and jagged, broken dreams.  But eventually, I did make my way to the apartment.  I went in, not bothering to make noise so Cain would know I was there.  He was in the bedroom, curled up on his side of the bed with the blanket pulled up to his chin.  He looked so young, so defenseless.  My chest ached for a single moment, then I was numb again.  I dressed, gathered my things for the day, and left.

 

I threw myself into work, letting the details of my business distract me from the shattered hopes I'd left at home.  Ryou gave me several curious looks, but didn't ask what was wrong.  He left at dusk, and I kept working for another several hours before finally heading back to the apartment.

 

It was dark inside, and Cain was already in bed.  I stripped and slid between the sheets, careful not to touch him.  In the darkness, I saw his eyelids flutter, then open.  We stared at each other.  Then I turned over and forced myself to sleep.

  
  


**Cain**

 

When I woke in the morning, Jaerim was already gone.  My body was warm, though, so I knew he'd held me in the night.  His waking mind wasn't willing to touch me, but his subconscious one didn't have a choice.  I ate breakfast, wondering if he'd eaten anything.  When he was stressed or distracted, he tended to forget meals.  Was he hungry?  Had he slept well?

 

My mind had been a maelstrom of disjointed thoughts the day before, and I hadn't tried to bring them to any order.  There was just no way for me to even begin.  But I couldn't go on that way forever.  I needed to try and sort out my own feelings, and see what I could possibly do about my situation.

 

The first thing that I knew for certain, was that I cared for Jaerim.  I loved him, whether I liked it or not.  I'd seen too much good in him, gotten to know him better than anyone else, respected and admired him.  

 

The second was that I was, indeed, attracted to him.  I had been from that first night four years ago.   I found him physically alluring and incredibly arousing.  He could bring me incredible pleasure with a simple look or touch.  I  _ wanted _ him.

 

And those two things should have been enough to base a relationship off of, except that they were warped and twisted from their dark beginnings.  I had gotten to know him because he kept me prisoner.  He'd shown me physical pleasure by forcing it upon me.  He  _ owned _ me, and so no decision I made was ever truly my own.

 

We had reached a point where we should have been happy together.  But the origins of our intimacy couldn't be ignored.  I could never fully accept him because I'd never had the chance to deny him.  As long as the issue of my debt remained between us, we would be owner and object, prisoner and guard.

 

Jaerim had no intention of letting me go.  We were trapped in a sick web that there was no way out of.  Neither of us could be happy, and we would both be in pain.

 

That night, Jaerim came home just before dark.  He no longer made noise in the foyer to let me know he'd come in, nor did he ask about my day.  We didn't speak at all.  A few hours later, he went to the bedroom.  I followed, watching him undress and get into bed.  He looked at me, standing in the doorway, then purposely looked away.  His face remained blank as I stripped and climbed in beside him.  Despite the fact that we didn't discuss it, I knew that if I had kept my clothes on or even slept out in the living room, he wouldn't have objected.  I doubted he would have tried to stop me if I'd left the apartment through the stairs.  But I also doubted it would be long before he brought me back.

 

The next morning, I woke before Jaerim.  He was wrapped around me like ivy, touching every inch of skin he possibly could.  Every few minutes, his arms would tighten around me and I could feel him tense.  Then his breathing would even out again, and he would relax.  I could have tried to wake him so that I could get out of bed, but I stayed still, letting him hold me.  Wishing that things were different between us.  Taking comfort in being held by someone who loved me, no matter how complicated the situation was.

 

His breath stuttered out, and he kissed the top of my head, then nuzzled my hair.  I could tell the exact moment that he woke fully up, because he froze.  He released me and rolled to the other side of the bed.  I got up and went to take a shower without saying anything.

 

I threw myself into my studies while he was at work.  I'd already caught up on the things I'd missed and was getting ahead of the class.  Now that I wasn't working long hours at the restaurant, I was able to spend far more time on my assignments.  The course load that had seemed nearly overwhelming before was now easy enough for me to sail through.  I even considered adding a few classes.  Jaerim had made that possible.

 

But perhaps, if I did have a job, I could begin paying him back.  It would take years before I made enough to cover the debt, but it would be a start.  It would be a change.  Something needed to give.  We were caught in one another's gravitational pull, orbiting silently without the ability to break free.  It would only be so long before we collided and the damage was catastrophic.

 

That night Jaerim again returned late and didn't speak to me.  A routine of sorts was developing.  He walled himself off behind a stack of papers, those disarming reading glasses perched on his nose, until late into the night.  Then we would go to bed together in silence, each of us on our own separate sides.  While we slept, our bodies would find each other's – I could no longer tell if he sought mine or if I sought his – and we would wake tangled together.  He would get up without a word and be gone all day.  Then the process would repeat.

 

I looked online for a job I could do from the apartment.  I'd seen Jaerim leave one morning and noticed that he didn't use a code to call the elevator any more.  I could have left at any time.  But that wouldn't have solved anything.  Instead, I found a hospital that needed a coder for their billing.  My courses in anatomy and clinic management gave me excellent qualifications for the post, and I could do all my work from the apartment.  For two days it went perfectly.  Then, hell broke lose. 

 

I was in the middle of coding some lab work when I heard a crash in the foyer.  I stood, intending to investigate, only to see Jaerim striding towards me, fury etched on his features.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

Of course I'd known it would happen.  How could it not?  But the fact that I'd expected it, in no way prepared me for the reality of it.  He was trying to leave.  I almost hadn't believed it when I saw the name show up on the hospital payroll.  A mistake, surely.  And yet it made perfect sense.  He would need money to get away, since he didn't have Tien to go back to.

 

I'd stormed straight to the apartment, not stopping to let my temper cool, not waiting to see if I should take some time to think before I confronted him.  Anger was surging through me so hotly that I could feel a flush in my cheeks and hear my heart pounding in my ears.

 

“What the fuck is this?” I demanded, holding up the payroll papers.

 

“Huh?”  He looked from me to the pages I gripped, not comprehending.

 

“Just how far were you planning to go behind my back?  Were you even going to tell me before you left?”

 

“What do you mean?”  He grabbed the papers and looked them over.  “Th-these are from the hospital.”

 

“The hospital where you  _ used _ to have a job.  A job you got in secret, hid from me so that I wouldn't stop you.”

 

“It wasn't a secret!”

 

“Which is exactly why you didn't tell me about it,” I retorted sarcastically.

 

“I didn't tell you about it because we haven't been talking!  And what do you mean  _ used _ to have a job?”

 

“You certainly don't any more.”

 

“You can't do that!”  He glared up at me, and my temper snapped dangerously.  I pinned him to the wall by his shoulders.

 

“Oh yes I fucking can.  I own that goddamn hospital.  You're fired.  If you try to get a job somewhere else, I'll buy the whole fucking city and black you out.  You're not going to sneak around trying to get enough money to leave me,” I hissed, gripping his chin.  “If you want to leave, you're going to have to try it with me here.  See what happens.”

 

“You bastard.”  He jerked his chin from my grasp.  “I wasn't trying to make money to leave.  I was trying to make money to pay off the debt I owe you!”

 

“Oh right, because your fucking honor won't let you go before it's paid.  I don't want your minimum fucking wage.  If you're that desperate to get away from me, then I'll give you a job.  It's one you're already good at.  Ten grand a fuck.  Maybe by the time you've earned two million neither of us will be able to look at each other any more!”  I grabbed him and pushed him down on the couch, yanking open the placket of his pants as I did.

 

_ What are you doing? _

 

“Jaerim!”  He pushed at me, his anger quickly turning to fear.

 

_ What the hell are you doing?! _

 

“I won't even force you to come,” I snarled, freeing the erection that seemed to hound me constantly.

 

_ This isn't what you want.  Stop! _

 

“Jaerim, don't!”  He shoved me again, fighting to get me off of him.  Adrenaline was surging in my blood, my body coiled and hard.  His attempts to dislodge me barely even registered.

 

_ Stop! _

 

“Jaerim, stop!”  I pinned his leg to his shoulder, no longer in control of my actions.  Then, instead of pushing against my chest, Cain's hands rose to my face, cupping it gently.  My wild eyes flew to his.  “Stop,” he whispered desperately.

 

_ STOP! _

 

I stilled.  Fury was still pounding in my veins, blood rushing in my ears so fiercely that every noise was dulled by the roaring of it.  My chest heaved and my arms trembled.  All I could see at first was Cain's eyes, wide with fear and anger and betrayal.  My forehead dropped down to his and I blocked out the sight of him.  I couldn't bear it.

 

After a moment, I felt his arms come up to circle my neck.  He hugged me.  A broken moan escaped my throat and I wrenched myself away.  How could he hold me after what I'd almost done?  I'd been close, so fucking close, to repeating my sins, to hurting him.

 

Hadn't I expected this would happen?  Hadn't I known that sooner or later I would lose my temper and he would pay the price?  And still, I'd kept him with me, toying with his fate like some cruel and malevolent god.  Just how far was I willing to push this?  How much was I going to hurt him?  Was I really willing to destroy him in order to keep him?

 

I left the apartment without looking back, and didn't return that night.

 

The following morning, I told Ryou the abridged version of what had happened and asked him to handle things with the hospital personnel.  He stared at me for several long moments before taking the papers and leaving.  I could practically feel the weight of his disapproval.  As if I needed it.  As if I didn't already know what I was doing was despicable and deplorable.  He couldn't hate my actions any more than I did.

 

I was almost afraid to go home that night.  Would I find the apartment empty?  That Cain had finally had enough and left, debt be damned?  Or would he watch me with quiet condemnation, knowing that I'd done just what he expected a monster like me to do?  I moved quietly from the foyer to the living room.  He was sitting at the end of the couch, the tv on but ignored, a book in his lap.  I watched him in silence, feelings roiling inside me like a storm at sea.  He wasn't watching the show on the television.  Likely the only reason it was on was so that there was some noise in the empty apartment.  He had no one else to talk to, and I hadn't spoken to him in days aside from the screaming from the night before.  Was he lonely?  Sad?  

 

Without saying a word, I loosened my tie and sat on the other end of the couch.  He started a little, but didn't get up.  My eyes stayed on the tv screen, seeing what was on without really observing.  After a few minutes, Cain laid his book aside.

 

“Do you like this show?” he asked.  I turned to him, surprised he'd broken the silence.

 

“I've never seen it,” I admitted, finally paying attention to what was on and not recognizing it.

 

“Every once in a while I would see an episode of it on reruns.  It seems... interesting.”

 

“What's it about?”  I held my breath as he drew slightly closer to me.

 

“It's a space western, if you can believe that.”

 

I chuckled in spite of myself.  I'd never heard of anything so ridiculous.  And if the man on screen wearing a floral bonnet was any indication, the show was indeed, ridiculous.  “Do you like it?”

 

“I've liked what I've seen.  But I haven't watched all of it.  I never seemed to catch it at the beginning so it was harder to get into.  I think there are only a dozen episodes or so, though.”

 

“Would you want to watch them?” I asked.  He cocked his head at me slightly.

 

“I wouldn't complain.  I don't know when they'll be showing them all though.”

 

“Don't you know that a television connected to the internet can do anything these days?”  I picked the remote up from the coffee table and a few moments later, the opening sequence of the first episode began to play.  “Voila.”

 

Cain grinned, his dimple flashing.  “Hold on a second.”  He got up and disappeared into the kitchen.  When he came back, there were two tubs of ice cream in his hands.  I raised one brow.  “Popcorn at the movies, ice cream for tv binging.”

 

“Riiiight.”  But I accepted the ice cream without protest.  We watched the first several episodes straight through, eating far too much and shifting around to get more comfortable from time to time.  I ended up on my side, stretched out, and Cain was sprawled in front of me, one leg draped over mine and the other dangling off the couch.  He wiggled back a little until his head was resting on my arm.  I held my breath, then wrapped my other arm around his middle.  When he didn't try to move it away, I resumed breathing and tried to focus on the show again.

 

Less than an hour later, Cain dropped off to sleep.  I turned the tv off and lifted him into my arms.  He stirred, pressing his face against my neck and murmuring in his sleep.  When I laid him in the bed, his eyes fluttered open.  His lips curled into a sleepy smile as I got in beside him.  My chest ached with the desire to hold him so fiercely that I couldn't resist.  I pulled him close and kissed his forehead.  After so  long without him in my arms, I felt as though I was finally home.  Complete.

 

Cain tipped his head back and my lips connected with his.  My whole body throbbed, roaring to life.  I knew I should break the kiss, put some space between us, but I couldn't.  I deepened the kiss, stroking his mouth and his body softly, insistently.  He let out a breathy moan, and his hand rested on my hip.  Slowly, it trailed down until he was cupping my persistent erection.  It was my turn to moan, then.  I wanted him.  So much that I could hardly think straight.  He was kissing me back, pressing his body to mine as though he was just as eager as me.

 

But how could he be?  How could be possibly want me after what had happened the night before?  Maybe he didn't.  Maybe this was just his way of feeding my appetite so that I didn't attack him again.  Or maybe this was his way of thanking me for not going any further last time.  I broke the kiss, panting and feeling as though I would be swamped with my thoughts.

 

“You don't have to do this to thank me,” I said roughly.

 

“What?”

 

“If this is your way of showing gratitude for me not r-raping you yesterday, it's not necessary.  You don't have to force yourself.”

 

He drew back, shocked and clearly upset.  “That's not what I was doing.”

 

“Then why?  Why would you possibly even want to touch me?”

 

There was a long pause.  We watched each other in the darkness, chests rising and falling in tandem.  His hand slid up and cupped the side of my face, thumb stroking over my cheekbone, then my lips.  “Maybe I shouldn't,” he whispered.  “But that doesn't change the fact that I want to.  I-I want you tonight, Jaerim.”  I searched his eyes, trying to find something there, but I didn't know what.  Desire and apprehension warred inside me.

 

“How can I believe that?”

 

He drew back a little, and I thought he was pulling away from me.  My heart clenched.  Once there was a little space between us, though, he slipped off his shirt and pants, then slowly began unbuttoning my own.  I only watched him, not moving to help or hinder.  After he worked my pants off my hips, he lingered between my legs.  Cautiously, his head dropped closer to my pelvis until his mouth was hovering just above my cock.  I swallowed thickly, barely daring to breathe.  His tongue came out and swept over me, from base to tip.  My whole body clenched, I groaned aloud, and my control snapped.

 

I pulled Cain up until I had him pressed back against the sheets.  I needed him, I was going to have him, but what I was so desperate for wasn't a quick, rough fuck.  I was going to take my time with him. To savor him, indulge every small pleasure, draw out our release until we were both mindless for it.

 

We kissed, tongues twining and breath mingling.  I slowly stroked his body, tracing every line and ridge, each dip and valley, then let my lips take the same journey.  Every inch of his skin was mapped and memorized.  I lingered in the places that I knew he loved, driving him higher and higher.  By the time I pressed inside of him, he was gasping with pleasure.  Our eyes met and held.  Neither of us dared look away, even when I kissed him again.  We were swept up in each other, drowning in the intensity of it and eager for more.  As my release burgeoned, I fought it back.  I wasn't ready to be done.  I wanted to linger inside Cain for hours, days, an eternity.  It would never be enough.

 

“Jaerim...” he breathed my name, lifting his hips to meet my slow thrusts.  “I need you.”

 

I increased my pace, holding him closer so that his cock was trapped between our bodies and the pressure drove him into orgasm.  He cried out, arching up and clenching me so tightly that my own orgasm was torn from me.  I buried my face against his neck.  “I love you.”  I wrapped him in my arms and didn't bother trying to hold back the emotions tearing through me.  “I love you,” I repeated brokenly.

 

“I love you too,” he whispered.  His words shot through me, bringing ecstasy and agony in their wake.  I held him tighter, kissing him and breathing him in.  Then I slowly eased back and shifted off of him.  What I wanted was to keep him in my arms the whole night through.  But I didn't think I could stand it.  I rolled away from him and tried to stem the tears that were burning in my eyes.  It was a losing battle from the start.  I took in a shuddering breath and barely stifled a sob when I felt Cain's hand hesitantly touch my back.

  
  


**Cain**

 

Jaerim's shoulder were shaking.  I realized that he was  _ crying _ .  This powerful man, who'd been run over and shot and torn apart and put back together by sheer force of will, was crying.  Because I'd said I loved him.

 

Should I have hidden the truth?  Denied it?  How could I, when he'd touched me so tenderly, held me so sweetly?  His love for me had echoed in every kiss, every caress.  It wouldn't have been more clear if he'd have carved it in the night sky.

 

How was I supposed to resist him?  I'd been sharply reminded of just how compatible we were by the evening we'd spent together.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect night.  The desire I'd felt for him when he laid me down on the bed was overwhelming.  After the week we'd had, the lack of contact, then the fight the day before, not only had I craved the release, but the comfort as well.

 

The way he'd exploded at me after so much silence had been frightening and had taken me completely off guard.  I hadn't been hiding my job from him, and I'd known that he wouldn't be happy when he found out about it.  Still, I couldn't have anticipated such a strong reaction.  In a flash, we had been back to that first night, his anger eating away his sanity and leaving only the desperate madman behind.

 

But then, he'd come back.  He'd controlled himself and stopped.  He listened to me, accepted my refusal, and left.  Not attacking your partner seemed like a small thing to be proud of, but the fact that he'd pulled back in the middle of a rage, and had controlled himself without lashing out at me, was huge.  His anger was compulsory.  He didn't choose to turn it loose on me, didn't want to feel it.  And still, he'd managed to pull out of it and remove himself from the situation.  We had come so far from that first day.

 

Knowing that made my desire for him all the more acute.  It really was my choice, for the first time.  He hadn't asked, hadn't coerced, hadn't expected it.  He'd been reluctant to even believe that I truly wanted it.  And I had no doubt that if I'd changed my mind, even part way through, he would have stopped.

 

There was still so much between us that I didn't understand, so much that wasn't right, but for once I didn't care.  I wanted to have sex with the man I loved, so I did.  It was as simple as that.  And yet, things were far from simple now that we were done.  I slipped my arms around him and held him like he usually held me.  After a long while, his breath evened out and he drifted into a fitful sleep.

 

When I woke up, I was on my back, with Jaerim's head on my chest right over my heart.  He shifted, clinging to me, then his eyes blinked open.  For a split second, he pulled back like he had the days before.  But then he pulled me close and kissed me.

 

We showered together, taking our time cleaning each other thoroughly, getting ourselves dirty again, and then starting the process over.  Breakfast was a quiet affair, each of us caught up in our own thoughts.  When he left for work, he kissed me and I kissed him back.

 

All day, even while I was trying to work on my classes, I thought about what we'd done together and what kind of future we had.  The problem was that despite how good things were, there was still nothing healthy about what was between us.  How were we supposed to-

 

The phone rang, startling me from my thoughts.  I answered it, expecting it to be Jaerim.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Mr Lisse?”

 

“Yes?”  I was shocked that I didn't recognize the voice.

 

“This is Alex from the front desk.  We had some papers dropped off for you.”

 

“For me?  Not for Jae- I mean, Mr Black?”

 

“No, they are for you.  Usually I would just send them up in the elevator, but I don't believe any packages were expected today-”

 

“That's fine, you can send them up.”  I put the phone down and went to the foyer, curious as to what someone could possibly be sending to me.  Jaerim hadn't mentioned anything, and surely if it was from him, Alex would have known it was coming.  A few minutes later the elevator opened and I removed a thick envelope from inside.  Once I was back on the couch, I opened it.

 

A cashier's check fluttered into my lap.  I caught sight of a large number of zeroes and snatched it up.  My heart skipped a beat.  It was for two million.  I tore into the rest of the papers, trying to find who the sender was.  There were no names listed anywhere.  Just instructions on how to have it deposited into Jaerim's accounts if I wanted, and a list of accounts in my own name if I wanted it put in one of them, instead. 

 

I sat in total, dumb shock for several minutes.  Where had the money come from?  Who had sent it?  And why did I have bank accounts with large sums of money in them as well?  At first, I thought it must have been a mistake.  But the name and birthdate were my own.  A joke, then?  One phone call to the bank was enough to inform me that the accounts were, indeed, real.  Jaerim's company had set them up weeks ago in my name.  Not only that, but I was the sole owner of them.  No one could withdraw money from them except me, not even Jaerim.

 

Why would he do such a thing?  I'd thought, with how he'd reacted to me having a job, that he didn't want me to have any money at all.  So why had he gone to such lengths to provide an abundance of it for me?

 

Ryou's words from the day my school papers had been delivered came back to me.  He'd said that Jaerim had arranged for me to be taken care of, in any eventuality.  Clearly that meant even if I wasn't with him any longer.  So had he sent the two million to me as well?  And if so, why?  Why have it dropped off at the front desk instead of handing it to me in person?  Why give it to me at all?

 

“It's a beautiful day outside.  Do you want to take your books down to the park and-  Cain?  What's wrong?”

 

I turned to find him standing behind me, a worried look on his face.

 

“Did you send this to me?” I asked, holding up the papers.  He crossed to my side, then took them and looked them over slowly.  His face morphed into an expression of horror, then went blank.

 

“No.”

 

“I don't understand... But you set up these accounts?”

 

“I did.”

 

“Why?”

 

He clenched his jaw and looked away.  “I wanted you to be taken care of, even if something happened.”

 

“Something like what?”

 

“Like you left, or I was killed.”

 

“But...  _ why _ ?”

 

“Is it that hard to believe that I care for you beyond what you can give me?  That I wouldn't want you to have to worry about fucking money, even if I wasn't in the picture?”

 

“No, of course not.  I just-”  I ran my hand through my hair and tried to put all the pieces together.  “But you didn't send this.”

 

“No,” he repeated, voice tight.

 

“Who did, then?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

“What... what do I do with it?”

 

“I'd say the instructions are pretty damn clear.  Looks like whoever set this up covered every base.”  He tossed the papers back down at me.  “One phone call and your debt to me is cleared.”

 

“And then-”

 

“And then I don't have any hold over you.”  With his face still carefully blank, he handed me the phone and turned away.  “I ordered Sal's for lunch. It should be up in a few minutes.  I'm going out.”  He started walking away.

 

“Jaerim, wait!”  I was up like a shot, stopping him with one hand on his shoulder.  He yanked me into his arms, and his mouth crashed down onto mine.  He kissed me greedily, wildly, devouring me whole and leaving nothing behind.  I was helpless to do anything but be swept along in his fervor.  Then, just as abruptly as it had begun, he pulled back.

 

“I don't want you to go,” he whispered roughly.  He hugged me close, and it felt like a farewell.  It felt like forever.  He wrenched himself away and was gone, just like that.  I was alone in the apartment, the key to my freedom lying on the table a few feet away.  And instead of happiness, all I felt was confusion and despair.

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

It was hours before I worked up the courage to return to the apartment.  He would be gone.  I knew he would be gone.  And yet, I couldn't help the sliver of hope that he had chosen to stay.  Hadn't he said that what he needed was choice?  Now that he had it, couldn't he accept what was between us and be by my side of his own free will?

 

But he wouldn't.  Why would he?  After everything I'd put him through, he had no reason to stay with me.  Despite the happiness we'd shared, it was always overshadowed by how things had started out.  He couldn't forgive me.  Couldn't forget what I'd done.  There was no hope at all.  And yet, as the elevator doors opened, I held my breath.

 

No sound came from inside.  My stomach dropped.  “Cain?” I called softly, knowing it was futile.  My voice wavered as I tried again.  “Cain?”  No reply.  I felt sick.  As though the world had suddenly stopped spinning and everything had been thrown off kilter.  I stumbled forward blindly.  Everything was exactly as it had been that morning, when he'd still been there.  When he'd still been mine.  

 

There was a piece of paper on the bed and I snatched it up with shaking fingers.

 

_ Jaerim _

 

_ There's so much I want to say that I'm not sure where to even begin.  I know you're hurting.  I know you wanted me to stay.  But in the end, I didn't have a choice. _

 

_ I love you.  I can't deny that, and I don't want to.  But that doesn't change the fact that we can never have anything whole and real between us the way things have been.  We need each other in a way that's not healthy for either of us.  Until we can both stand on our own two feet, making rational decisions, we can't keep pretending that what we have is viable. _

 

_ I know you think that this is because of what happened that first night.  But it's not.  I forgive you for that.  It's behind us, and it isn't affecting my decision. I just need to know that if I were to choose you, it would be because I truly wanted to, and not because you're the only option or because I'm not thinking clearly.  I have no idea how long it will take to sort out my feelings.  How long I'll need to regain some perspective from all this. _

 

_ Because of that, I'm asking you not to wait for me.  It wouldn't be fair to you to hold onto hope that I will come back when I can't be sure that's what I'll want when I get some distance from this, from you.  I'm not the same man you met in that alley, and I'm already not the same man you met again at the hotel.  You've changed me, Jaerim, and I hope that I'll keep changing, keep growing.  I hope that one of the roads I take will lead me back to you, but I'm not going to try and force that.  I need to start my life over on my own two feet, for the first time, and who knows where that will take me? _

 

_ I want you to be happy.  You're a good man, intelligent, compassionate, strong...  You have so much to offer.  I hope that you'll keep working to overcome the challenges your past has created, and that you'll keep growing as well. _

 

_ Thank you, for opening my eyes even when I didn't want to see, for sharing yourself with me, for giving me your love. _

 

_ Cain _

 

I let the note fall from my fingers and sank to the floor.  I have no idea how long I sat there for, tears falling freely down my face as I let the pain wash over me.  Then suddenly I had my phone in my hand, and I'd dialed Ryou's number.

 

“Hello?”

 

“He's gone,” I whispered hoarsely.  “Find him.”

 

There was a pregnant pause.  “And then?”

 

A thousand fantasies danced before my eyes.  I could have him brought back.  We could start this all over, except I would control myself.  But there wouldn't be a debt between us, so I really would just be holding him prisoner.  Or I could go to him, meet him wherever he was, try and woo him back.  But who was I kidding?  I'd never be able to win him over.  He'd made his decision.  He'd left.

 

“Make sure he's safe.”  My voice cracked.  “Make sure he's provided for.  Anything he wants or needs.”

 

“I will.  Is there anything you want me to tell him for you?”

 

What could I say?  I'd already told him that I loved him.  That I wanted him to stay.  They hadn't made a difference.  Nothing I could say would bring him back on his own.  “No.”  I hung up the phone and let my head hang.  I felt as though I was being swallowed up by a great void, stripped of all I was and taken to a place without light or life.  Without Cain, I didn't know how I would ever find my way back.

  
  
  


**Cain**

 

I sat in the park, not sure where to go or what to do.  I hadn't taken anything with me except the clothes I was wearing.  How could I?  None of it was mine.  Yes, Jaerim had given me many things – some of them extremely valuable – but that had been when I was with him.  I didn't feel like I had any right to them now that I'd left.

 

So what was I supposed to do next?  I had no money, no job, no family to turn to.  The enormity of what I'd done came crashing down on me.  I was terrified.  And yet, sitting out in the sunshine, I couldn't regret it.  My freedom meant more than security.  The fact that my heart longed to return to the apartment, to Jaerim, meant nothing.  How could I trust it?  Every reason that I needed to be away from him echoed around my head over and over again.

 

And still, I missed him.

 

I cursed my foolish, weak heart.  Even after just a few minutes of freedom, it was so easy to see all that was wrong with our relationship.  I could look at his actions with cold dispassion and tell myself that I ought to want to have him thrown in jail, not be wishing I was back with him again.  But that cold logic only told half the story.  The rest of it still remained, strong and confusing as ever, tucked safely away inside of me.

 

A shadow fell over me and I looked up, squinting against the sun.  A surge went through me, but whether it was fear or anticipation, I wasn't sure.  “Ryou?”

 

“Do you mind?” he gestured at the seat next to me on the bench.

 

“Go ahead.”

 

He sat next to me and didn't speak for a few minutes.  We looked out over the park together, listening to the bird calls mingled with the sound of children laughing.  Finally, he handed me a thick folder without looking over at me.  I took it and flipped it open.  My birth certificate and ID card were on top.  The bank papers I'd left behind were under them.  Beneath those were my school papers and other financial documents I didn't recognize.   At the very bottom was an envelope containing cash.  “You'll need these.”

 

“Thank you for my ID, but I can't take the rest of this.  They aren't mine.”

 

“That's not your name on the school registration and bank accounts?  Funny, I don't know any other Cain Lisses.”

 

I glared at him.  “You know what I mean.”

 

“Yes, I do.  But I also know that you're going to accept all of this.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because if Jaerim knows you didn't, if he thinks you're lacking even the smallest thing, if he thinks that you're suffering in any way, he'll come after you.”

 

Still, he didn't look at me, but I looked at him, studying his profile and seeing how serious he was.  “Why?”

 

“Many reasons,” Ryou said with a shrug.  “Love, obligation, worry...  He knows that he's the reason you're in this situation.  If he hadn't interfered, you would have had a place to live, your schooling, your family, and even what little money your scum cousin allowed you.”

 

“If he hadn't interfered, I'd be dead,” I corrected flatly.   _ Tien _ was the one who'd set me on this course.  Not Jaerim.

 

“Or wishing to god that you were,” Ryou agreed.  “But that's not how Jaerim will see it.  He's trying to make amends.”

 

“He doesn't need to.  He did nothing wrong-”

 

“Didn't he?”  Ryou finally looked at me, his face carefully blank and yet incredibly intense.  I wondered how much he knew.  How much Jaerim had told him about that first night, about our relationship.  I shifted, suddenly uncomfortable.

 

“The mistakes he made have nothing to do with my present circumstances.  He wasn't the cause of them, Tien was.  Even if Jaerim had bought me at that auction and then set me free, I would have gone right back to Tien and ended up in the same situation again or worse.  And if not that, if I'd somehow been able to see Tien for what he was, I would still be homeless and penniless.”

 

“You don't think you've earned some... restitution?”

 

I swallowed, hating the way the word sounded.  The guilt it conveyed.  “He hasn't done anything that I didn't understand and forgive him for.”

 

“I see.  Then why leave at all?”

 

“I'm in love with him Ryou.  Surely you can see that.”

 

“I suspected.”

 

“Then you also know that it's not a healthy love.  His obsession with me from the beginning wasn't healthy.  The circumstances that brought us together left neither of us any chance of forming a normal attachment.  His need to be with me, to take care of me, is compulsive.  And the dependency I have on him isn't natural either.  It can't be, not unless we have time to be apart.  To make other choices.”

 

“Then, do you plan to return?”

 

“I don't know,” I admitted honestly.  “We both need the chance to form healthy attachments.  To have normal relationships.  If one or both of us do that, and circumstances change...  Then I'm not going to try and fight it.”

 

“If you're expecting him to see other people, you should know that he won't.”

 

“Then at the very least he needs to learn how to live without me.  He needs to be able to let me go.  Not just for himself, though I think that should be a huge part of it, but also because if there is any chance at all of me going back to him, it is wholly dependent on me knowing that he won't try and force me to stay again.”

 

“You're worried he'll repeat his mistakes.”

 

“No, not the same way.  If my life isn't in danger like last time, I don't think he would ever try and lock me in again.  But he could slip back into the obsessive need to own me, to control me, if we didn't have clear boundaries.  He needs to learn to trust me, learn to like himself enough to believe that someone else could love him.  Those things take time.”

 

“I understand.”  He shook his head and gestured to the folder still in my hands.  “But if you are serious about taking this time apart, I strongly suggest you make use of those.  You know him well enough by now to know that he believes your safety and comfort come before your free will.  He  _ will _ come after you if he thinks you are in any need at all.”

 

“That's the problem,” I muttered, shuffling the papers a bit.  Ryou sighed, and I looked back over at him, surprised at his uncharacteristic display of frustration.

 

“If the situation was reversed, if he was destitute, with nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and you felt it was your fault – whether it really was or not – would you be willing to respect his desire for 'space' and allow him to live on the streets?  To go hungry, to risk his life?  Or would you take care of him even if he hated you for it?”

 

My stomach twisted, and I was again struck by how little I could blame Jaerim for what all had happened between us.  Ryou was right.  There was no way I could let him starve or be in danger, even if it was what he wanted.  What did consent even really mean?  Was choice, free will, really the most important thing?  How much leeway did taking care of the one you love give you in going against their wishes?

 

“Alright,” I agreed.  “I'll use this.  But I'm going to get through my classes and get a job so that I can pay him back, whether I come back to him or not.”

 

“I had no doubt you would.”

 

“And speaking of that... do you have any idea who sent the money that paid my debt to him?  No one I know has that kind of money, and hardly anyone even knew I was with him.”

 

“I looked into the paperwork.  It's completely untraceable.  Whoever sent it didn't want it connected back to them.”

 

“I wish there was some way to find out.  I need to try and repay them, or thank them at the very least.”

 

“Perhaps that's exactly what they were trying to avoid.”

 

I looked at Ryou closely, studying him.  I didn't know what his financial situation was like, but he was one of the few that knew I was with Jaerim and that I was indebted to him.  From that standpoint, it seemed like he was the most likely candidate.  But despite Jaerim's insistence that he had no friends, Ryou was his friend.  His best friend.  There was no way that Ryou would betray him like that.  Especially not for my sake.  The two of them had known each other for decades.  Ryou had seen everything Jaerim had been through.  I was virtually a stranger.  Even if he'd disagreed with what Jaerim was doing, Ryou wouldn't turn against him.

 

“Whoever they are, I owe them more than I can ever repay.  And though he doesn't see it that way now, so does Jaerim.”

 

“That has yet to be seen.”  Ryou rose and started to walk away, then stopped and turned back to me.  He was holding out a card.  I took it and saw his name on it, with a phone number below.  “I do hope you'll... check in from time to time.”

 

I nodded.  It was a way to let him – and therefore Jaerim – know how I was, but it was also a way to see how Jaerim was doing as well.  “I will.  Thank you.”

 

“Is there anything you want me to tell him?”

 

“I-” my mouth opened, then closed.  It wasn't fair to give him any more hope than he already harbored.  I'd meant it when I said I didn't want him to wait for me.  A clean break had a better chance of healing than a messy one.  Wounds knit back together best when the ragged edges were cut away.  “No.”

 

He nodded, then walked out of the park.


	4. Chapter 4

**Jaerim**

 

Each day seemed like an eternity.  I'd thought those days when I had to wait through work to get home to Cain had seemed long... I'd had no idea what true waiting was.  How it felt to be trapped in an unending loop of empty days and lonely nights.

 

I believe firmly that my work was the only thing that kept me alive.  What else was there for me, if not the organization that I had built?  Nothing else mattered.  I expanded my businesses ruthlessly, tearing apart pieces that weren't up to my exacting standards and rebuilding them into something I approved of.  Something Cain would have approved of.

 

No matter how much I told myself that he wasn't coming back, he still colored my thoughts.  I bought companies that would have interested him, made choices he would have liked.  I read books I thought he would enjoy, even watched shows that I would have wanted to share with him.  I sought help for my anger issues, learning about IED and how I could control it better.

 

And still, I heard nothing from him.  An occasional check of the bank told me that he was using the money I'd left him, though little enough that I would have worried if Ryou hadn't assured me things were fine.  Through Ryou I learned that Cain had flown through the remainder of his classes and graduated, then taken an internship at a hospital across the country.  My pride in his accomplishments was only tempered by my sadness in his absence.  Had he gone so far to be that much further away from me?  Did he really hate me that much?

 

The longer he stayed away, the more I felt the chance of him coming back to me slipping through my fingers.  I itched to pull him back.  The need to have him by my side was so great that a dozen times, a hundred times, I was only a hair's breadth away from going after him.  But I restrained myself.  He was safe, he was provided for, he was doing what he wanted to. There was no reason to force him back to my side except my own selfish desire.  And so I denied myself the only thing I truly wanted.

 

I put aside the whiskey I'd been slowly sipping and considered the effort it would take to call the car around versus the back pain that would be inevitable if I slept at the office.  Just when I'd decided to call for the car, Ryou appeared in the door.

 

“I thought you left hours ago.”

 

“I did.  But I got a call from Cain, and I thought you'd want to hear about it in person.”

 

My whole body stiffened, and the haze of drink lifted instantly.  “I do.  Tell me.”

 

“He's fine,” Ryou started, settling into the chair opposite me and pouring himself a glass of whiskey.  “Being a surgical intern isn't easy, but he seems to like the work.  I think he likes helping people.”

 

“Of course he does.”

 

“He's made friends, too,” Ryou went on as if I hadn't interrupted.

 

“Friends?”

 

“He's gotten close with his fellow interns.”

 

“How close?”

 

“Do you really want to know?”

 

“No.”  I poured myself another drink and shot it back.  “Yes.  Tell me.”

 

“He's not seeing any of them romantically, but I wouldn't be surprised if one of them asked and he agreed to try.”

 

“Never mind.  I don't want to know more.”  I debated on having one more drink, but Ryou pushed the bottle out of my reach as if he could read my mind.  I glared at him.

 

“There is something you should know, Jaerim.”  He swirled the whiskey in his glass and watched the amber liquid settle.

 

“About Cain?”  Panic raced through me, then was cut off when he shook his head.

 

“About me.”  He looked up at me, his face carefully blank.  I'd seen that expression before.  He hid behind it when there was deeper emotion that he didn't want seen.  “I'm the one who sent him the money.”

 

“What?”

 

“I was the one who sent him the money to pay off his debt.”

 

I blinked at him.  Confusion and anger and hurt roiled inside of me so violently that I felt paralyzed with it.  “You- you-”  My hands clenched into fists.  “Why?”

 

“You know why.”

 

I surged to my feet, shaking with the need to lash out at him.  He'd taken Cain from me.  Hatred beat through my veins like a poison.  It was his fault.  All of it.  I wanted to hurt him.  To take him apart piece by fucking piece and  _ destroy _ him utterly.  My hand was fisted in the collar of his shirt and I had him shoved against the wall before I even realized that I'd moved.  He didn't try to fend me off.  Didn't fight.  Just watched me.

 

All the things I'd read about managing my anger clicked through my mind and I tried to accept that what I felt in that moment, the terrible hatred and need to harm him, were nothing more than flashes of impulse that I would regret later.  This wasn't what I really wanted.  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  My heart rate began to slow, and I released Ryou.

 

“No, I don't know why,” I said with my back to him.

 

“Do you remember when you asked me if I'd ever hurt someone I cared about?”

 

“Yes.  You said they'd forgiven you for it.”

 

“You did.”

 

“Me?”  I turned to face him again.

 

“You were the one I hurt, Jaerim.”

 

“You've never hurt me.”

 

“That's not true, and we both know it.  I watched you follow your father's orders, even when you didn't want to.  I helped you carry out his demands, and I saw what it did to you.  All the years I worked for your father, up until that night, I watched and did nothing to stop it.  I left the matter between the two of you, because I was too much of a coward to interfere.  Then, when you finally did defy him, I sat back and watched that, too.  Let you make the decision of giving into him or killing him.  You never should have been put in that position, Jaerim.  Someone should have stepped in.  I should have stopped it.  But I didn't, and you were forced to kill him.

 

I've never forgiven myself for that.  Every day since then, I've done everything I could to make up for that mistake.  Even when you forgave me, I never stopped thinking about it.  And I swore that I would never make the same mistake again.  I would never stand by and watch instead of doing something to help you.”

 

“You're saying that I've become my father, and you set Cain free to save him.”  How many times had I thought that same thing?  It was my worst fear come to life.

 

“No!”  Ryou was at my side in a heartbeat, turning me around to face him.  “You were following a compulsion, just as much as you had been back then.  And it was hurting you just as much to act on it as it had then, too.  You didn't want to hurt Cain.  You never did.  But keeping him with you by force, letting that debt be the reason he stayed, was harming both of you.  I couldn't let it get as far as it did before.  You would have destroyed yourself with guilt if it had kept going.”

 

In a way, I understood exactly what he meant.  My obsession with Cain, my compulsion to have him, was so much like the hold my father had over me.  It had broken me to get free of him.  What would it have taken to escape my unhealthy ties with Cain?  How much would we both have suffered?

 

Ryou had given both of us a way out.

 

“I should thank you for that.  But I don't think I can.”

 

“I didn't expect gratitude.  I did it knowing that you would likely hate me for it.  If you want to fire me, I'll get my paperwork in order.”

 

I said nothing.  His face crumpled a little, then was stoic once again.  “I'll go.”  He turned to leave.

 

“Don't-” I demanded sharply.  Don't what?  Don't go?  Don't leave me like  _ he _ did?  “Don't think I'd go through the effort of finding your replacement over something so trivial.  You know how much I hate interviews.”

 

A smile twitched the corner of his lips, then spread slowly.  “I do.”

 

“If you haven't adjusted your salary to compensate for the two million, I expect you to do so.”

 

The smile turned to a frown.  “I don't-”

 

“That's not a request.” 

 

“As you wish,” he conceded grudgingly.  

 

“Call the car around for me, will you?  I've had too much of this to drive.”  I gestured to the whiskey bottle.

 

“I already did.”

 

“Of course you did.  Go home, Ryou.”  He turned to leave.  “Thank you,” I said softly when he reached the door.  He paused, hand on the doorframe.

 

“You're welcome.”

  
  


**Cain**

 

It was the third time Sarah had asked me on a date, and I had run out of reasons to say no.  She was attractive, sweet, and funny.  We had similar interests, we worked together, and I genuinely liked her.  So why was I dreading the date?

 

Of course, Jaerim came to mind.  But it wasn't as though I was cheating on him.  We weren't together.  It had been nearly a year since I'd even seen him.  So why did it feel like a betrayal?  I didn't owe him anything except gratitude for the financial help he'd given me through my internship.  Even that I was well on my way to being able to pay back.

 

I was perfectly free to go on a date with someone else.  I could have sex with Sarah if I wanted.  I  _ should _ have sex with her.  Didn't I want to experience things like this with other people?  Wasn't that one of the reasons I'd left?  I wanted to know what dates and sex and love could be like with someone else.  Without compulsion of any kind.

 

This was a good idea.  It was normal.  Healthy.  I was doing the right thing.

 

Dinner went well enough.  We'd eaten together many times with friends.  There was always more to talk about, some new story from the hospital to share.  We joked, laughed, touched casually.  She invited me to her place for coffee and I agreed.  I ignored the flutter of guilt in my belly.

 

The coffee she'd poured us both sat growing cold on the table while Sarah pressed her lips to mine.  It felt... nice.  She tasted like the wine we'd shared at dinner, and her body was warm and soft.  I wanted her to hold me a little tighter, maybe shift me under her...  But Sarah was smaller than me and probably wanted those things from  _ me _ , not the other way around.  I pulled her into my lap and kept kissing her.  No, she wasn't hard and strong and overwhelming.  But I didn't need those things, right?

 

Her hand slipped between us and she stroked my cock.  Slowly, almost grudgingly, it came to attention.  She smiled, pulled a condom from the pocket of her dress, and rolled it onto me.   I tried to force myself to smile back, but found that it took all my focus to stay hard.  This was what I should want.  She was beautiful and sensual and eager for me.  Her kindness had gotten me through many rough days at the hospital.  I should want her.  

 

She shifted, settling her hips over mine, and I felt my cock pressed against her.  Slowly, she sank down.  Heat gripped me, and flashes of memory came rushing through my mind.  Jaerim's mouth wrapped around me, his tongue sliding along my shaft.  I closed my eyes and realized that it was only thinking about Jaerim that was keeping me erect.  I felt horribly ashamed.  It was cruel of me to be touching Sarah like this while thinking of someone else.  I pushed Jaerim completely from my mind.  My erection went with him.

 

“What's wrong?”  Sarah stopped moving and looked at me, the concern in her eyes cutting me worse than condemnation would have.

 

“I- I'm sorry.  I can't do this.”  I lifted her off of me gently and put myself back to rights.  “I'm sorry,” I repeated once I was done and sitting there not knowing what to do.

 

“It's alright,” she whispered.  “Are you okay?”

 

I closed my eyes and nodded, knowing that there was no way for me to express what I was really feeling.  “Yes.  But I can't- I shouldn't-”

 

“Do you mind if I ask you something, Cain?  And know I won't care or judge you at all, no matter what you answer.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Are you gay?”

 

“I- I don't know.”  How could I explain?

 

“Have you been with women before?”  Her voice was gentle, and I found myself shaking my head in answer.  “Men?”

 

“One.”

 

“So you weren't sure if you were attracted to women as well?”

 

“I don't know if I'm attracted to  _ anyone _ else.”  I swallowed hard.  “I'm sorry.  I just don't understand.”

 

“You don't have to apologize to me, Cain.  It's alright. I want to help, if I can.  I care about you a lot.  If all we can be is friends, then I want you to still be happy.”

 

“You're a good person, Sarah.  Far more than I deserve.”

 

She smiled and pushed my shoulder playfully.  “Then you can pay me back by letting me help.  What about this is confusing for you?”

 

“I don't know what... I am.  I never really thought about it much, but then there was-”  I paused, not sure how to categorize my relationship with Jaerim.  “There was a man, and I don't know if what I felt for him physically was from proximity and convenience or if I'm attracted to men in general.”

 

“Okay, well when you, um... take care of things on your own, do you think of men, or women?”

 

My face flamed red.  “I don't often... do that.  But when I do, men, I guess.  But only just the one.  Only him.”

 

Her eyes widened for a moment, then she schooled her features.  “Only him,  _ ever _ ?”  I nodded.  “Well, I know there are people who are only physically attracted to people they have an emotional connection with.  Demisexual, I think it's called.  You might be that.”

 

I thought about that.  It made a certain kind of sense.  I hadn't had much by way of sexual urges before Jaerim, and though I did get aroused like any healthy male in his twenties, I hadn't felt any draw to another person sexually after him.  I had thought at first that maybe it was too traumatic, but that wasn't the case.  So perhaps it did have to do with my emotions.  “I think you're right.”  It was almost a relief, having some sort of label for it.  I wasn't just  _ broken. _

 

“Are you still in love with him?”

 

Sarah's question cut me to the absolute quick.  My heart ached.  “I...”  Was I?  The answer echoed back at me with every beat of my pulse.  Would I ever not be?  “Yes.”

 

“Can you not make it work between you two?”

 

“I don't know.  There were so many things wrong with our relationship.  He had huge issues that came between us, and I don't know if I can trust myself or him not to fall back into the way things were before.  I wanted to be able to stand on my own before I even considered trying.”

 

Sarah chuckled.  “You're a surgical intern at one of the country's most respected hospitals, with dual specialties, and you still kick the rest of our butts.  In a few months, you'll be able to do your residency at almost any hospital you want, and they'll be lucky to have you.  I'd say you're already standing on your own.”

 

My returning smile was weak.  It was easy to say that I was independent and successful.  Outwardly, I was.  But that didn't even begin to cover how I felt on the inside.  How confused I still was.  How conflicted my near constant desire to be with Jaerim made me.

 

We talked long into the night, and I wished that it was Sarah I wanted.  Things would be so simple if I could be attracted to her, could fall in love with her.  Instead, she kissed my cheek at the door and I pulled out my phone as I walked home.  Ryou answered on the first ring.

 

“How's he doing?” I asked.

 

“Yesterday was...rough.  He misses you.”

 

“Still?”

 

“Always.”

 

I struggled to find my voice.  “Is he eating alright?  Getting enough sleep?”

 

“As far as I can tell.  It's not as bad as it was the first few months.  He's managing.”

 

“Take care of him, Ryou.”

 

“Are you coming back?”  I could hear the hope in his voice.  It would be so easy to say yes.  To end both of our suffering.  But still, I wasn't certain.

 

“Not yet.”

  
  


**Jaerim**

 

I woke up and felt the pillow next to mine as I always did.  It was cold, as it always was.  I let the pain grip me for a moment, just a moment, then pushed it away.  The notebook on the bedside table was nearly full, but I flipped to the end and scribbled down the words that formed in my mind.  As always, they calmed me, helped me move past the disappointment.  Then, I rose and prepared for my day.

 

The work that I'd done over the last year and a half had paid off in spades.  There was always more to do, but the company was thriving, functioning like a well oiled machine.  Ryou had taken on an assistant, and our workload lightened considerably because of it.  I wanted to feel smug that people whispered that anything I touched turned to gold.  And I'd come a long way from thinking myself stupid and worthless.  But still, I could never find true contentment with my life.

 

Of course, I knew why.  

 

There was no sense dwelling on that, though.  I couldn't change the past.  I couldn't force someone to love me, and I wouldn't want to.  Last time Ryou had gotten a call from him, Cain was doing fine.  He'd finished his internship and could practice medicine anywhere he wanted.  I'd thought he would take a residency somewhere as prestigious as the hospital he'd interned at, but he had put that on hold to do volunteer work.  I should have known he would want to do something so selfless.

 

All the money that had come out of the bank accounts I'd set up for him had been returned.  Funds from one had been emptied out and moved to another, and then he'd begun putting more money in that account, presumably money he'd earned himself.  I had stopped checking that account.  It felt too much like spying on him.  The other accounts were still there if he ever needed anything.  That was enough.

 

The autumn wind picked up strands of my hair as I walked home.  It was long enough that I ought to have it cut soon.  I tied it back and idly wondered what Cain would think of my long hair.  Sitting in the park, it was easy to imagine him tucking it behind my ear as we watched the sun set.  A family of ducks waddled past, headed towards the pond.  A couple strolled the same direction, hand in hand.  To the west, sunlight streamed through a section of trees, creating a soft halo and dappling the ground.  I squinted from looking at it too long, turning away and letting my eyes adjust again.

 

A figure had stopped a few feet from the bench.  I blinked, my overshadowed vision clearing as my pupils  returned to normal size.

 

_ Cain _ .

 

I felt as though my heart had stopped.  The sounds of the park faded out until all I could hear was the rushing of my blood in my ears.  

 

Cain.

 

He took a step closer to me, looking hesitant and heartbreakingly hopeful.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing was real.  I surged to my feet and started towards him, then stopped when he faltered.  My chest seized painfully.  Was he afraid of me?  I stopped, unwilling to go any closer.  Instead, I held my arms out, praying he would come to me on his own.  Whatever conflict he'd been facing resolved, because he took another step towards me, then broke into a run.

 

He flew into my arms and clung to me.  I couldn't have stopped myself from holding him any more than I could have stopped my next heart beat.  I hugged him tight and buried my face against his shoulder, breathing him in and trying to convince myself that this wasn't just a dream.  My face was wet and I realized that there were tears falling down it freely.  I didn't give a damn.  I just held him, wishing we could stay that way forever.

 

Eventually, though, we parted.  He tipped his face up to me, and I saw that there were tears in his eyes as well.  I wanted desperately to kiss him, but I held back.  I wouldn't take anything for granted, couldn't make any assumptions about what he wanted.  Instead, I let my forehead rest against his.  His hands came up and cupped my face, tracing over it softly, likely mapping the lines that hadn't been there when he'd seen me last.

 

“I missed you,” he breathed.

 

“Cain-” my voice cracked.  “I missed you too.”  The urge to kiss him grew so strong that I had to step back.  He seemed reluctant to part, and that was some small comfort.

 

“Can we talk?”

 

“Of course.”  I gestured to the bench behind me and we sat.  Once there, he seemed unable to speak.  “I heard you graduated top of your class, and that you're licensed.  Congratulations.”

 

He shrugged.  “That's thanks to you.”

 

“No it's not.  You did that all on your own.  I knew you could.”

 

“I wouldn't have been able to afford it, if not for you.”

 

“Money which you've long since paid back, not that I wanted you to.”

 

“I wanted to.  And...” he pulled some papers from the inside pocket of his jacket and handed them to me.  “I'd like you to close those accounts.”

 

“They're yours,” I said, pushing the papers back towards him.  “Do with them whatever you want.”  Was this all he'd come back for?  My stomach twisted painfully.

 

“I can sign to close them, but I need you to put in the information on transferring the money.”

 

“I don't want it.”

 

He pushed the papers back towards me.  “It's yours.”

 

“No, it's  _ not _ .”  My temper flared, and I turned away for a moment to compose myself.  Instead of trying to shove the papers into his hands, I set them carefully on his lap.  “Give it to charity if you don't want it.  But I won't take it back.”

 

He was quiet for a few moments, then folded the papers up and put them back in his jacket.  “Alright.”  The silence continued, stretching between us until even the air felt brittle.

 

“Cain-”  I almost put my hand on his knee, then pulled away.  I'd dreamed about this moment for so long, but now that it was here, all the things I'd planned to say had slipped my mind entirely.  I'd wanted to be subtle, suave, to woo him back.  I had persuasive arguments for any protest he might have against us being together.  And yet I couldn't remember a single one.  I didn't feel confident or amusing or any of the things I'd planned to be when I saw him again.  I felt raw and afraid, afraid he would walk right back out of my life, never to return.  “I need to know,” I finally managed to croak.   _ Smooth. _  “Is- is there any chance, any chance at all, that you... that we could...”  I trailed off, searching his eyes.

 

“I don't know.”  My heart plummeted, but then he reached out and took my hand, lacing his fingers with mine.  “But I'd like to try.”

 

Suddenly the weight that had been resting on my shoulders for more than a year, lifted.  I felt as though I could breath properly for the first time since he'd left.  My hand squeezed his, and I brought it up to my lips and kissed the back of it.  He closed his eyes and his whole body seemed to lean closer.   _ Slowly _ , I told myself.  I couldn't make any mistakes.  “Have you had dinner yet?”

 

“No.”

 

“Would you like to go with me?  It's been far too long since I had Angelo's.”

 

He smiled.  “I'd love that.”

 

We walked to the restaurant hand in hand.  All through our meal, we talked about what we had done in the last year and a half.  He told me countless stories about his work at the hospital, his time volunteering, about learning to live on his own.  I shared with him how much I'd expanded the company and how well it was doing.

 

“Did you ever see anyone, while I was gone?  Ryou never said, but I didn't ever ask, because-”

 

“No.”

 

“Not even-”

 

I shook my head.  “No.  There wasn't anyone else.  I don't want anyone else.”  He studied me for a moment, then nodded.  

 

“Are you going to ask if I did?”

 

“Do you want me to?”  I wasn't sure I could bear to hear if he'd ended up dating one of his co-workers, or even if he'd just had casual sex with a stranger.

 

“I think you deserve to know.”

 

“No, I don't.  You told me not to wait when you left.  I never had any right to your fidelity.  If you want to tell me, I'll listen.  If you don't, then I won't ask.”

 

He seemed surprised by my response, or perhaps my conviction about it.  “I- I tried.  Once.  I went on a date with a woman from work-” my brows raised, but I didn't interrupt, “and she took me back to her apartment.  We kissed.”  He sounded as though he was confessing to adultery.  My stomach knotted again, as much in compassion for him as in distaste at hearing about him with someone else.  “She- we tried to do more, but I couldn't.  I couldn't stop thinking about you.”  He tucked his head down, studying his hands.  Carefully, I tipped his face back up.

 

“You don't have to turn from me as if you did something wrong.  You didn't.”

 

“I know,” he admitted half-heartedly.  “Not that we actually managed to  _ do _ anything.  And there was no one else.”

 

“You didn't...”  I swallowed, wondering if I should even bring it up.  “You didn't ever try with a man?  The problem might have been her gender, not me.”

 

“I didn't want to.”  He lifted one shoulder.  “She helped me realize that it wasn't men or women specifically, it was the individual person.  Apparently I need an emotional attachment in order to be attracted to someone.”  His lips quirked crookedly, his dimple flashed for a moment.

 

“And there weren't any emotional attachments.”

 

“None except for you.”

 

“You do still feel something for me, then?”  I held my breath.

 

“Of course.”  His hand slipped into mine.  “I came back because... because I'm still in love with you.  I want to start over.  To do things right, this time.”

 

Everything seemed to slow.  It reminded me of the way I'd felt being run down in the alley.  The world was still moving around me, but I could see every moment as though it was stretched out, lingering.  Those words were everything I ever could have hoped to hear from Cain.  It was almost too good to be true.  But this wasn't a dream.  I was awake, I was with Cain, holding his hand, watching him across from me, hearing him say that he wanted me.  Wanted me, of his own free will, he wanted to be with me.  If I could have frozen that moment in time, I would have happily lived in it forever.

  
  


**Cain**

 

We left the restaurant still hand in hand.  In a way, it felt as if no time had passed at all.  As if it was just like the time we'd gone to Angelo's before.  Except nothing was the same.  Even though things had improved between us by then, there had still been so much that stood in our way.  Now, though, that wasn't the case at all.  Almost every decision Jaerim had made since spotting me in the park reminded me of that fact.  He hadn't rushed to me and pulled me to him.  He'd waited and let me go to him.  He hadn't kissed me, hadn't touched me any way I hadn't initiated.

 

I could tell he'd been on the verge of losing his temper about the money, but he'd kept himself in check and moved past it.  He hadn't demanded to know about others I might have been with – he hadn't seemed to want to know at all.  Jaerim, who'd been so controlling, who'd needed to know everything about me, even if I hadn't wanted to tell him.  His restraint amazed me.  He'd changed so much.

 

And yet he was still the same man I'd fallen in love with.  There wasn't any doubt at all.

 

“Are you staying in the city?”  We had walked back towards the park, but it would be dark in another hour and the wind was growing chilly.

 

“I have a hotel not far from here.”

 

“Can I walk you back?”  He looked down at our joined hands.  “Unless you'd like to come up to the apartment?”  His eyes darted to mine, then back down to our hands.  I could hardly believe how uncertain he was.  It had to be so hard for him to give up control, to let me make the decisions without trying to influence me in any way.

 

I'd thought about what I would do if this situation arose, but I'd never been able to figure out the answer.  We had already slept together, so it wasn't as though there was anything to be surprised about.  And with our history, the question of whether he would 'respect me in the morning' as the saying went, was ridiculous.  Part of me thought we should wait, to set the tone of our new relationship by taking the physical side of things slowly.  It might be healthier for us to take our time and not rush into anything.  But we had both been far too long without the comfort of another's touch.  And if we both knew the direction we wanted this to head, was there any real point in denying ourselves?  I wanted to make the decision rationally, think through every eventuality, but feeling him next to me, close enough that the heat from his body was warming me, I knew that logic and prudence were deserting me.

 

I wanted him.  I missed the feel of him against me, the pleasure of his touch, the taste of his skin.  It seemed like an eternity had passed since I had seen his body above my own.  Parts of me that had gone dormant when I left him roared to life.

 

“I'd like to go back with you, if you're up for it.”

 

His sudden smile was wolfish.  “Oh, I don't think  _ that _ will be a problem.”  He tugged me closer, and we walked quickly back to the high rise.  I paused outside the main doors, surprised at how unfamiliar they seemed.  Then again, I'd only been through them twice.  I'd spent so much time there, and yet there were big chunks of things I wasn't used to.  As we walked through the lobby, a man called a greeting to Jaerim from behind a desk.  I recognized the voice.  Alex.  Not once had I ever seen him in person.

 

In the elevator, Jaerim seemed to sense my unease.  He put a little space between us, letting me breathe.  The small table in the corner was the same.  The soft music was the same.  The doors opened at the top floor, and Jaerim stepped off, but I held back for a moment.  He turned to me, his own discomfort clear.

 

“It doesn't have a code on it,” he blurted out.

 

“Oh,” I took a slow step forward, reminding myself that things were so different now.  “Of course.”

 

“And you have your phone.  You can leave at any time, Cain.  I won't try and stop you.”

 

Slowly, my anxiety eased.  Yes, things were different.  Jaerim was different.  There wasn't anything for me to be nervous about.  I smiled and crossed to him.  “I know.”

 

“Do you want something to drink?  I could make coffee, or tea-”

 

“I wouldn't turn down some wine, if you have any.”

 

Jaerim looked at me askance.  “You don't normally drink.”

 

“I'm not a total light-weight any more, though I usually stick with just one.”  My smile faded a little when he looked uncertain.

 

“I... I don't want you to feel inhibited in any way.  Whatever happens, I want you to be making clear decisions.”

 

“I'm not-”  I stopped, my protest dying on my lips.  I could understand why he was worried about the issue.  Despite my own lack of concern, I was touched that it was so important to him.  “How about tea for tonight, then?”

 

“Alright.” 

 

I followed him into the kitchen and looked around while the kettle boiled.  It was just the same as it had been.  As I was studying everything, Jaerim prepared a cup the way I liked it.  We moved to the living room and sat at opposite ends of the couch.  

 

“Are you rereading it?” I asked when I saw the book I'd read to him on the coffee table.  He shook his head, looking almost embarrassed.

 

“I haven't read it since...  I just liked seeing it there.” 

 

“I know what you mean,” I admitted.

 

“You do?”

 

“That show we watched together.  I haven't been able to watch it on my own.  I even bought a copy of it, but I couldn't bring myself to ever put it on.”

 

“Maybe we could watch it again together.”

 

“I'd like that.”  I smiled and felt myself shifting closer to him on the sofa.  Suddenly I had a vivid flash of memory, of me riding Jaerim in that very spot.  Of my body begging for release, him realizing what I needed and then stroking me to completion.  

 

I was hard.  And unless that was just a trick of the light, so was Jaerim.  I set down my cup and moved even closer to him.  His breath hitched.  “I... I could put it on now.  Unless you'd like to-”

 

“Like to?”

 

He slipped his arm around me and his gaze dropped from my eyes to my lips.  His tongue darted out to wet his own.  “Cain.”  Inch by inch, his head lowered to mine.  “I want to... can I... kiss you?”

 

“Yes,” I breathed, looping my arm around his neck and pulling him down the last scant inch between us.  Our lips crashed together, slanting quickly to deepen the kiss.  His tongue stroked my own, our breath mingled.  Pleasure raced along my veins and I moaned softly.  His arms tightened around me, hauling me closer.  One of my hands slid through his hair and gripped it, the other trailed down his back.  

 

In one fluid movement, Jaerim urged my legs around his waist and stood up.   _ This _ was what I'd longed for.  The strength of him, the hard planes of his body, his agile fingers stroking and teasing, the press of his erection trapped between us and rubbing against my own.

 

Halfway to the bedroom he stopped, breaking the kiss and gasping for breath.  He looked almost distraught.  “What's wrong?” I asked quickly.

 

“Is this- I mean, are you okay with this?  We don't-” he broke off with a moan as my legs tightened around him, bringing us closer together.  “We don't have to rush.  I don't want you to feel like I'm-”

 

“Jaerim.”  I took his face in my hands and looked into his eyes.  “I'm so grateful that you're making sure that I'm willing in all of this.  I am.  More than willing.  So you don't need to stop and ask for permission every time we move to something new.  If I don't like what we are doing, I'll tell you so.  I trust you to stop if that happens.  I  _ trust _ you.”  He watched me closely, as if searching for any hesitancy.  There was none to find.

 

His mouth descended on mine again and he took us the rest of the way to the bedroom.  I unwrapped my legs from his waist and found the floor while Jaerim kissed my neck, his hands moving over my body hungrily and removing clothes in their wake.  I could see the room had changed very little.  There was a notebook on the night stand that hadn't been there before.  The comforter was a different color.  Everything else was the same as it had been when I left.

 

I had bad memories in this room.  Some of the worst things I'd ever experienced.  But there were so many good ones, too.  Pleasure so intense it had stolen my breath.  Bright bursts of emotion that overshadowed everything else.  Both of those things were foremost in my mind as I began taking off Jaerim's clothes.

 

We stumbled onto the bed and for a moment, only looked at each other's naked bodies.  I frowned a little as I realized that Jaerim had lost weight.  He was still bulky, but his stomach had a slight hollow to it, and his muscles stood out more starkly.  He'd likely lost two stone or more.

 

“You're thinner than you were.”

 

“And you've gained a fair amount of muscle,” he said, running one hand along my pectoral.  I glowered at him.

 

“I'm serious.  You haven't been eating enough.”

 

“What can I say, you spoiled me with so much home cooking that eating out has lost its appeal.”

 

“You could have cooked for yourself.”   
  


He shrugged and grinned.  “I'm pants at cooking.  Seriously, fucking terrible.  The meals I made for you are the only ones I know how to cook decently.”

 

“Maybe I'll teach you, then.”   I couldn't help but smile back.  His grin was infectious.

 

“Will you wear one of those frilly aprons?”  His brows waggled suggestively.  I swatted him and he laughed.  We kissed again, slowly, deeply, savoring the feel of skin against skin.  He shifted to reach for the night stand, then stopped.  “Do you... would you rather be on top this time?”

 

If I wasn't mistaken, there was a slight blush staining his cheeks.  I wasn't sure I could have been more shocked if he'd sprouted antennae.  “Is that something you want?”  The look on his face answered my question before he even opened his mouth.

 

“It's not my preference, no.  But I'm not opposed, if you want to.”

 

“I appreciate the offer, and I'm interested.  But this time, why don't we stick to what we know works?”

 

He quickly wiped the look of relief off his face and nodded.  It was an interesting prospect, indeed, but I knew we both wanted what we'd had before.  What had brought us so much pleasure.  Before I could think any more on it, he was kissing me again, moving a slick hand over himself and then me.  My body arched to his touch, trying to get closer to him.  He worked me over slowly, bringing me nearly to the brink before shifting his hips towards me.

 

He paused, his eyes going up to mine.  “Yes,” I breathed, knowing that even after what I'd said before, he still wanted consent.  I could feel his body tremble with restraint as he pushed forward carefully.  I moaned, my head thrashing on the pillow at the intensity of the sensation.  He paused, and didn't move again until I clutched his shoulders and gasped, “more.”

 

Inch by inch he sank into me, until we were pressed together as close as two people could be.  I shuddered, my cock twitching between us.   “Cain,” he whispered, my name sounding like a plea on his lips.  “Cain.”  His hand slipped down and gripped me, stroking as he pulled back the then thrust forward.  I gasped and groaned, my legs wrapping around his waist to urge him on.  He kissed me and moved faster, giving me all of himself and more.  Each cant of his hips drove me higher and higher until I was panting, clawing his back in urgency.

 

“Please,” I begged.  I wanted... I needed... “Give me-”

 

“Fuck yes,” he growled, driving into me hard enough to push me over the edge and careening into the abyss.  I called his name, jerking and tensing as pleasure tore through me.  Jaerim followed me, biting down on my shoulder as he came.  The sting of his teeth was a bliss all its own as I felt him pulse inside of me.  Then his tongue and lips eased the bite with a kiss and he pulled back.  “Are you alright?”

 

“More than.”  I smiled at him and tried to catch my breath.  He gently eased out of me and collapsed on his side.  I nuzzled his neck and ran my hands through his hair.  “I like this.  It's a lot longer than it was before.  Looks nice on you.”

 

“Really?” He raised a hand to his hair self-consciously.  “I was just thinking that it was time for a cut.”

 

“Well it's totally up to you, of course.  But I do like it like this.”

 

“Maybe I'll keep it for a while.”  He leaned over and kissed me again.  “Are you going to stay here?”

 

I bit my lip as I thought about it.  “I wanted to keep the hotel for a while, just to-”

 

“I understand,” he said quickly.  “You don't need to explain.”

 

“I want to.  It's not that I don't want to be here with you.  I do.  But I didn't want to assume that you would want to live together right away, and I thought maybe it would be a good idea for me to have a place to go for a while.  I mean, don't most couples date for quite a while before moving in together?”

 

He shrugged.  “I've never been with anyone like this before, so I don't really know.”

 

I quirked a brow at him and he scowled.  “Romantically, I mean.  I didn't  _ date _ before you.  So I don't know what is considered normal.”  He shrugged again.  “Besides, does it really matter what's  _ normal _ ?”

 

“I guess not.”

 

“I'm not trying to pressure you, Cain.  I think you should keep the hotel for as long as you feel like you need it.  I'm happy to pay for it, even.  I just want you to know that when you're ready, I'd like for you to stay.”

 

“Alright,” I agreed.  “But you're not paying for it.”  He was right, what did it matter if we did things the 'normal' way?  Nothing about our relationship had ever been normal.  And while it was important to me that the boundaries we established were far more clear than they'd been before, as long as we were both happy and comfortable, I didn't think anything else mattered.

 

“If you're staying... does that mean you'll be looking for work at one of the hospitals here?”

 

“Well, I'd thought about doing my residency here, but last time I got work at a hospital in the city, the owner fired me two days in.”

 

“An act which I can assure you will not be repeated.”

 

“And how can you be so sure?”

 

“I happen to know the man who chairs every hospital in the city.  And I think he likes you.”

 

“Which is exactly why if I  _ do _ start my residency here, you're going to make someone else my boss.  It wouldn't be fair to the rest of the staff to have me sleeping with the man in charge.”

 

“Fine, Ryou can be your boss.”

 

“But you're Ryou's boss.”

 

“And?”

 

I sighed and rolled my eyes at him.  “We can discuss the specifics later.”

 

“As long as you're happy, I'll be happy.”  He kissed me and pulled me closer.  I rolled to my side and then jumped when something cold pressed against my ribs.  The bottle of lubricant.  I pulled it out from under me and tossed it to the side table.

 

“What's this?” I asked, lifting the notebook I'd seen there earlier.  Jaerim shifted a little, looking like he wanted to snatch it back from me.

 

“Just something I picked up from one of the psychology books I read.  A way of expressing my emotions in a more healthy way.  Its not a big deal.”

 

“Do you mind?”  I gestured to it, but didn't open it.

 

“If you like.”  He shifted to his back.

 

“Are you sure?  It's fine if it's private.”

 

“No, go ahead.  I don't have any secrets from you.”

 

I propped myself back on the pillows and opened the notebook.  The first few pages seemed to be random words, sometimes strung together in phrases.  After a while, they became lines of poetry.  I flipped to the end, where there were only a few pages left blank.  

 

_ An autumn wind blows through my soul _

_ the broken pieces of my heart skitter along my ribs like dry leaves _

 

_ I see you in the heather at dawn _

 

“These are beautiful.”

 

“They're not anything, really.  Just bits of thoughts.”

 

“I mean it, Jaerim, they're beautiful.  Does writing seem to help?”

 

“It clears my mind.  I'm not sure if it really does anything for the anger, but that's become less of an issue over time.”

 

“I noticed.  Something else from one of the books that's been helping?”

 

“Yes and no.  There have been plenty of tricks I've tried.  Counting, deep breathing, meditation... But really, the biggest help was you.”

 

“Me?”

 

“It may not seem like it, but I was making progress even when you were here.  After what happened-” he swallowed and started to look away, then forced himself to meet my eyes.  “After I raped you, I realized that I needed to change.  That something was wrong with me.  Thinking about what I did to you, how much I hurt you... I was afraid of myself, of what I was capable of.  I never let myself forget that.  And when I found myself losing my temper, I forced myself to remember what could happen.”

 

“You can't live like that,” I breathed, aching at the self condemnation in his eyes.  “You have to be able to move past that.  Its behind us now.”

 

“I will never be able to forget it,” Jaerim said softly.

 

“You're not the same man you were then.  You don't need to keep punishing yourself for what happened.”

 

“Having you here helps,” he admitted, putting the notebook back on the side table and pulling me close.

 

“Oh?”

 

“You being with me, having forgiven me for it, loving me despite what I did, it makes it seem possible to let go of someday.”

 

“I hope you can.”  I kissed him again and settled in his arms, my back against his chest.  Automatically his arms came up around me and our legs tangled together.  I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.  

 

“I love you,” Jaerim whispered to me.

 

“I love you too,” I returned, snuggling closer against him.  It felt so good to be next to him, to be held by him.  It felt like home.

  
  


Epilogue

 

“I'll buy you a new notebook on my way home,” Cain called from the kitchen.  “Is there any specific kind you want?”

 

“No, anything will work,” Jaerim said, coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around Cain's waist.  “Smells good.”

 

“It'll taste good, too.  You know you're supposed to be watching this so you can learn.”

 

Jaerim kissed his neck, not seeming nearly as interested in the food as in his lover's skin.  Cain laughed and leaned back against him.  They ate breakfast and got ready for the day, Jaerim planning on doing several site inspections with Ryou and Cain heading to the hospital.  At the door, Jaerim gathered his papers and tucked them into his bag.

 

“I think it's supposed to get chilly today,” Cain said as he dug through the closet looking for a warmer coat.  He saw a familiar swath of wool and pulled it out.  

 

“There should be a-”  Jaerim stopped as he saw the scarf Cain was looking down at.

 

“Is this mine?”

 

“Nope. It's mine.  Someone gave it to me.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Yes.”  He made a grab for the scarf but Cain pulled it out of his reach.

 

“And is it possible that this person was drunk, and not really in a position to be giving things away?”  His eyes twinkled as he teased.

 

“Possible, yes.  But he also gave me his first kiss that night, so I think he was in a giving mood.”

 

“Well then, I guess that makes it fair and square.”  He wrapped the scarf around Jaerim's neck.

 

“He gave me back my will to live, as well,” he murmured, cupping the back of Cain's head and kissing him softly.

 

“Sounds like you got a lot from just one meeting.”

 

“More than I had any right to hope for,” Jaerim agreed.

 

“I think we both got more than we expected that night.”

 

“Not everything you got was pleasant.”

 

“I don't have any regrets,” Cain said with a smile.  “How can I, when everything that's happened has gotten me here?”

 

Jaerim smiled softly back at him.  “Have I told you lately how lucky I am to have you in my life?”

 

“You tell me every day, but I never get tired of hearing it.”

 

“I love you, Cain.”

 

“I love you too, Jaerim.  I always will.”


End file.
